Holding the Answer

 

 

 

 

"My little mind is conflicted about what to do.

And even after I have decided in peace,

my little mind

now is confused about the outcome."

 

Hugh Prather

SPIRITUAL NOTES to MYSELF     

 

 

 

 

If there were one word to describe my childhood, it would be confused.  Nothing appeared to be consistent and what was my truth definitely was not in alignment with the family.  The family seemed to be able to display an image that did not resonate within in me.  Their were so many conflicting scenarios, I began to doubt my own truth.  I was to honor and obey my parents as they were representing God, so Sunday School proclaimed.  If this were true, how could I not accept their word over mine?  Thus, confused. 

 

A few weeks ago, I was grappling with a very important decision.  This decision would impact me greatly, so it had to be well thought out.  My decision once made, would not necessarily be understood by others and knowing I would be going against the status quo, I felt confused.  I felt those old feelings of second guessing my self, my inner wisdom being questioned, even though I knew it was what I wanted. 

 

Then I remembered my confusion had been caused when I was a child, incapable of discerning family dysfunctions.  I now had choice and could trust my choices.  Being open to other suggestions is beneficial, but in the end, I must choose.  I felt great relief upon making my decision.

 

Believing in my abilities, honoring my inner feelings, I announced my final answer to those directly involved.  I felt a personal freedom and an inner power of mastering my life.  This didn't last for long, as worry set in.  What if I was wrong?  I began to worry my new sense of power down to the nubbins.  Once again I found myself to be confused. 

 

My eyes scanned my bookshelves, searching for a book to escape into, to end this ever repeating pattern of childhood insecurity about truth.  Selecting a favorite old friend, I settled in to read.  Amazed, right before me was a story addressing how people  changed their lives simply by taking action.  Choices awaiting us might not be the best, but they are there waiting to pull us out of victim hood.  Making choice is the required action for change.  Ah, validation.

 

As the hours passed, my courage to support my decision returned.  I tried to be gentle accepting that once again I had looked outside of my lovely self rather than trusting my gut.  I was still seeking approval for what was best for me, when I knowingly held the answer in my heart. 

 

Seeking knowledge from others assists us in making our lives run smoothly.  Additional information assists us in deciphering our intentions. The entire time, however, there is a small voice patiently waiting for us to hear and to believe in our own truths. 

 

It takes hard work to excavate old structures, and one must remain constantly aware that we give up too easily. Deep inside under piles of fear and old debris, our authentic voice is waiting to be uncovered.  We have value no matter what the past holds, and we are worthy no matter what we have left undone.  We need to pick up our shovels and begin to dig discovering the inner beauty of our selves. The answers await in your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 





 

 

Subtle Change

“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.”

Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"



In the month of December of 2012 I prepared for the ending of another year.  Parts of my self began to shift and  although observant, I was not feeling as though I knew where this slide was taking me.  The swift journey down the slope dumped me into January of 2013 with subtle changes short of my grasp. 

I had been sick for two weeks, cleansing body, mind and soul, leaving me exhausted and apprehensive of what was waiting in store.  As my mind had been de-cluttered, I was aware of open space waiting for a new level of understanding or reviews of past challenges.  Nothing appeared.  It felt as though I were wearing a cap of nothingness upon my head with no purpose at all.

I am a person who collects and gathers.  I don't get everything in one lump sum, I add a little bit at a time.  Even so, the emptiness in my mind unnerves me.    It is as though I have become barren without sadness, choice or comprehension.  What is this to mean?

Growing more and more private, I pry my heart open ready to receive what is yet to come.  I remain still, anticipating subtle changes.  Love, energy, and light continue to be my domain even though nothing else seems to remain the same.

Fulfilling Needs

For it was not into my ear

that you whispered,

but my heart.

It was not my lips 

that you kissed,

but my soul.

Judy Garland

We all need to have attention on some level.  We need to be noticed to validate our very presence in the world.  A simple simile from a passing stranger or a kindness reflected in a quick eye glance.  An isolated comment between strangers can have more significance than we could ever imagine.  


Isolation can be debilitating and it is happening to children, adults, and the elderly.  Children are bullied or not chosen to be a part of a group.  Perhaps parents are hard working and too exhausted to have meaningful exchanges.  The elderly may be surrounded by others, but frequently withdraw into themselves.  Isolation is not only physical.  It is emotional and spiritual as well.

Adults as well as children need affection.  We all need that physical touch whether it be a handshake, hug, or a massage.  Years ago, children spent hours sitting on the laps of their elders or families cared for isolated neighbors.  In many situations now, we may not even know our neighbors and our relatives could be living in an entirely different state.

It is fun to be in a grocery store or library and randomly compliment a stranger.  Maybe the color they are wearing brightens them up or perhaps they remind you of someone else. Any simple recognition lifts kindness into the face of the lonely. Sincerely thanking a clerk in the check out lane or a server cleaning off your table at a restaurant can acknowledge a job well done no matter what level of skill.

We all long to be accepted.  For some it may be politics, family, relationship or career, but sadly, many long to be accepted just as a human being.  We all want to feel connected or to feel like we belong whether it is to family, club, specialty group or the human race.

The first step in fulfilling needs is simply recognizing that we have them and then acknowledging that needs deserve to be met.  We are worthy in spite of poor choices or our age.  We are never too young nor too old to meet our needs.  

We need to be  mindful of our words as they so often go directly to the heart ... ours included.  We need to be appropriately generous with our affection as it kindles our souls.  In freely extending attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance towards others, our needs will be met in kind.

  

The Escape of Little Birds

The quiet man filled with worry kept shaving while his soul kept whispering beneath his reflection:

Loving yourself is like feeding 

a clear bird no one else can see.

And once in a great while 

if someone loves you enough

they may see her rise

from beneath your fear.

 

AS FAR AS THE HEART CAN SEE

Mark Nepo

To love someone is an act that seems to come easily, but to love our selves ... well that's a lot more challenging.  We are our own worst enemies and we judge our selves more harshly than any one else.  When referring to someone else, we lavish compliments and point out gifts and talents.  In discussion of our selves we are more apt to focus on our weaknesses.  

"You must love your self before you can truly love another," was a statement I heard as a young person.  It totally did not resonate with me.  Loving my self? How was that going to happen? I was too busy trying to convince other people to love me while attempting to become whatever they needed instead of being my original self.

As time passes, we learn there will be others who will never like us let alone love us.  We come to understand the false goal of seeking acceptance from all peoples.  Time turns us inward to our authenticity and it is up to us to learn to embrace it.  Once we begin to like who we are we eventually learn to love our selves and not care so much about meeting expectations of others. We turn to our own desires and dreams creating a passion which suddenly seems to be pulling our lives together.  In loving our true selves, we attract others to us. 

When we learn to embrace both our weaknesses and strengths, it is easier to accept others in their totality.  As we learn to be 'comfortable in our own skin', those around us become comfortable in theirs as well.

NAMASTE` is an ancient Sanskrit blessing meaning:

"I honor the place in you

where spirit lives.

I honor the place in you

which is of love, of truth, of light, of peace.

When you are in that place in you,

and I am in that place in me,

then we are one."

When we are able to develop this Sanskrit blessing into a way of living, we experience love in many forms.  It is in this NAMASTE` approach we just may catch a glimpse of little 'inner' birds escaping from beneath undisclosed fears.

Deep Longings

The secret longings of a learned man

Are more mysterious than the fabled Phoenix;

Within the oyster grows a hidden pearl

From the deep longings of the boundless sea.

Omar Khayyam

Translated by Ali Dashti

In childhood, our world dances with magic.  All things take on a persona and our imaginings create an adventurous world.  We bound out of bed in the morning ready to face the day and collapse into bed at night having spent every ounce of energy.  There is a lust for life in every moment and an eagerness for the flight into fantasy during our sleeping hours.

Where does this excitement go?  At what point is it drained out of us or get buried so deeply that we forget it is even there?  

As childhood passes, we may find a composition book to jot down our wisps of wonderment, but it ends up tucked away to be discovered in our later years.  Our focus shifts away from nature and the connections with rocks discovered in mud, water dripping from a hose, and racing in the blowing winds.  Gone are the games of cops and robbers, hop scotch, jacks, jump rope and trading cards or marbles.  

No longer children, our minds turn to more serious things like girls, sports, and boys.  We find fascination with more worldly things and struggle to remain who we really are.  We define ourselves by the unspoken rules of fitting in, and let important segments drop away.  

I vividly remember a friend who was so gifted in painting, and desired a life long career in artistic expression, but his parents forbid him to study art in college as 'it was a waste of time and he would never make enough money".  It was as though a light was snuffed out inside of him.  His disposition shifted and so much of how he identified himself simply fell away.

Years later, I ran into him at an artists fair smiling from ear to ear. His retirement offered him time to brush up on  his skills and he found himself back into an artist's studio.  His small following encouraged him to continue forward and he never looked better.

Do we bury our intuition, artistic expression, and magical moments in order to live what others term a 'normal' life?  Then do we unpack all that is buried within once we are older and no longer care about other's expectations?  Do we finally unearth what we knew all along as a child?

Senior Citizens are no longer categorized as tottering old fools.  From the age of 55 and up, this population is using retirement to express deep longings, recapture passions, and make significant contributions to world communities and local neighborhoods.  It is not unusual to learn that a sixty year old friend is 'finally' taking piano or dance lessons, or writing their memoirs, or volunteering to enhance the lives of others.  


Perhaps we can all rekindle artistic expression in our personal lives.  Whether it is cooking, gardening, or saving the world, let our light shine! Shine so brightly that the young can maintain their light throughout their lives, uninterrupted.

   

Tremendously More True, HAFIZ

TREMENDOUSLY MORE TRUE

She had a dream that told her she was going to pass from this world.

And on the day before, she still felt well, but believed these were her last hours, and come morning friends would be looking at her as she lay still no longer breathing.

She went into her garden as she as she always had before dark and spoke to the plants as she would.

Never more beautiful did the world look, never more a part of everything she now knew she was.

An assurance, some absolute certainty opened up in her and she knew any mortal identifications one could have were such a small part of something tremendously more true ... that awaited our knowing.

Her whole life she saw was like a slipper, often too tight, she had worn for a long day, and did not now mind at all taking it off.

She lay down that night, then merged into a brilliant Sky----

someone could call God, she found her soul had always, had always been holding in its hand.

A YEAR WITH HAFIZ

Daniel Ladinsky

THE WORLD AS I SEE IT, Albert Einstein

It is clear that all the valuable things, material, spiritual, and moral, which we receive from society can be traced back through countless generations to certain creative individuals.  The use of fire, the cultivation of edible plants, the steam engine ~ each was discovered by one man.


Only the individual can think, and thereby create new values for society ~ nay, even set up new moral standards to which the life of the community conforms.  Without creative, independently thinking and judging personalities the upward development of society is as unthinkable as the development of the individual personality without the nourishing soil of the community.

THE WORLD AS I SEE IT

Albert Einstein

We are led to believe that as an individual we cannot make a difference, but that is untrue.  If we focus on the goodness of each individual ... inventions, scientific equations, discoveries ... we find acts of kindness more rampant that acts of violence.  Acts of kindness simply are not news worthy.

We are all capable of extraordinary contributions if we but render the courage to be who we are and share what we have to offer.  Whether the gesture is to kneel in helping a child or sending space shuttles up into the sky, we are all called to bring forth our gifts to this time and space.

We must not wait for others to shoulder the load.  If each of us carries a small portion of the weight, the movement forward can be shared by all.

One of my favorite quotes, "Be the change you want to see," encourages us to look inward for unique ways we can contribute to this world.  Instead of criticizing others, use that energy to be creative in some alternate way.  Life is not a competition, but a time to respect and honor our personal strengths as well as the work of others.  We must nurture and nourish each other.

We need not wait until we have an earth shattering discovery.  Be eager to experience the insights of every moment and act upon them.  Whether through writing, painting, singing, or helping others, every positive actions moves the community forward.  

Part of the Whole ... Albert Einstein

A human being is a part of the whole called by us

"universe," a part limited in time and space.  He

experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as

something separated from the rest ---

a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us,

restricting us to our personal desires and to

affection for a few persons nearest to us.

Our task must be to free ourselves from

this prison by widening our circle of

compassion to embrace all living creatures

and the whole of nature in its beauty.

Albert Einstein

It has been said when we are feeling depressed, we need to turn our attention to service of others.  By reaching outside of our own comfort zone, we release some of our own stress and bring compassion to another.

Could life really be that simple?  Rather than building our personal walls of fear to keep people out, we can open our hearts while embracing others with compassion.  Understand that personal boundaries are important, but have we carried this too far?  As a culture have we grown too isolated within our surrounding community?

By connecting with others, we begin to see and feel the spirit of each other learning diversity.  We are not all the same, but we are all worthy of love.  We all want to be heard, loved, and respected.

If we present our self by reflecting our true spirit, others have the opportunity to respond in kind.  Engagement then is readily available.  As we open our self with respect to hear a new message our compassion grows as everyone has a story. 

Granted, there are those who are difficult, who challenge us and who will not engage in loving kindness.  It would not be in our own best interest to subject our self to repeated hurtful situations;  but it is helpful to remember that there have been times in our own lives that we have been difficult as well.  Just as we do not want to be judged, others do not want to be judged either.  Silently offering forgiveness, healing and peace to those who are difficult, we then can return our attention to others wanting to experience healthier encounters.

The emphasis here is to appreciate all peoples.  We are a part of a whole that experiences pain and suffering,  joy and hope, and birth and death.  Let us look into the eyes of each other to discover the spirit residing within hidden by fear of exclusion.



No Decision Is Wrong

You Are Who You Are, Not What You Do   Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions There are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to your development and are an integral part of your evolving existence yet they are still separate from the self. A decision that does not result in its intended outcome is in no way an illustration of character. Still, it can have dire effects on our ability to trust ourselves and our self-esteem. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a “bad decision” was just an experience, and next time you can choose differently. Try to avoid lingering in the past and mulling over the circumstances that led to your perceived error in judgment. Instead, adapt to the new circumstances you must face by considering how you can use your intelligence, inner strength, and intuition to aid you in moving forward more mindfully. Try not to entirely avoid thinking about the choices you have made, but reflect on the consequences of your decision from a rational rather than an emotional standpoint. Strive to understand why you made the choice you did, forgive yourself, and then move forward. A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human. For more information visit dailyom.com

Rainy Days and Sundays ...

In London, the weather would affect me negatively.  I react strongly to light.  If it is cloudy and raining, there are clouds and rain in my soul. ~ Jerzy Kosinski


It is raining today while I continue to unpack.  I take a break and step outside onto the patio, breathing in the fragrant smell of the spring rain.  I watch the birds play in the bird bath and wish I could feel just as playful.  I walk into the yard and let my toes and the soles of my feet glory in the sensual texture of the grass.  I lift my face to the sky, and the gentle rain feels too much like tears running off my chin, so I quickly retreat inside.

Even though I am secure in the knowledge that I have chosen the right course for this part of my life, I still struggle with this process of letting go.  My words are dispirited and my heart grows heavy.   My gaze is drawn back to the rain.

Tired of thinking, I stretch out upon my bed and raise the window to listen through the screen.  The birds are loudly chirping and the rain continues to fall ... "there are clouds and rain in my soul." 

Meeting in the Middle

When I was in elementary school, my best friend lived eight city blocks away.  Whenever we spent time together, we walked exactly four blocks a piece;  however,  the significance of meeting in the middle was never really about the exact location as much as it was about the emotional connection.

In time, I learned that meeting in the middle seldom meant half way.  It was simply a reference point that could be shifted most anywhere and agreed upon even if it were lopsided favoring one and not so much the other.  'Meeting in the Middle' grew into a loving term, like being in the middle with your family surrounding you or being in the middle of your life with adventure awaiting. 

When my daughter was in college, we frequently found ourselves meeting in the middle, dividing a few hours in half to enjoy lunch or time talking together.  After college graduation, meeting in the middle meant spending a night and sharing a motel room as the distance grew farther.  While working on her doctorate, meeting in the middle was impossible, but still very important to us.  She would laugh and ask, "Are we meeting in the middle?"  She knew I would drive all of the way.

The concept of meeting in the middle continues to evolve. College roommates, retired professionals, friends who have moved away, still meet me in the middle, except it is no longer a travel destination, but a mailbox on line. 

Meeting in the middle increases in meaning for me.  It refers to sitting in silence and going within to listen for guidance, to discover wisdom and to find my true self ... meeting in the middle!

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man.  It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.  It is the middle ground between flight and shadow, between science and superstition."  Rod Sterling

Focus ...

"It is during our darkest moments
that we must focus to see the light."

       Aristotle Onassis

Out of focus, everything is out of focus!  Adjusting back into routine has gone awry. 
I sit with pen in hand, but only doodles find a path to the page.   I walk every day desiring to reconnect with nature, but I see only dead leaves, mud, and a darkened sky. 

A few tulips and jonquils inch their way up through rocks near the front yard.  Their determination and willingness to make themselves present reflects the magic of creation while the snowflakes float in the cold air.  Still nothing stokes my inner fire and the coals of my passion lay frigid against the bottom of heart's door.

The landscape of my imagination has fallen into the shadows beneath the midwestern sky.  Colorful words no longer burst into my brain, eagerly seeking expression.  It is difficult to link thoughts and phrases worthy of discussion.

"Let's end this day," say I, "and sink into the land of dreams where I can fly, colors dance and rocks sing out of tune!"  In this imaginary sleepy space of mine, I can relax and be true.  When I awaken in the morn, perhaps I'll see life anew.

Upon Returning Home

"Such a long time to be gone.
Such a short time to be there."

Grateful Dead

The Last Sunset

While multiple feelings course through me, I am watching my last sunset on Maui. It is difficult to believe that I have been here for a month and tomorrow I will leave. I dread the long flights and the lay overs, but primarily the four hour time change will bother me the most.

I sit here on my bed, my 'perch' in this glamorous 'tree house', facing the ocean and listening to the waves. I wonder how I will sleep at home in the stillness of the house. What will take the place of the excitement of sighting whales or turtles? Where will I hear the sound of other languages spoken with such beautiful accents and cadences so unlike my own?

In the last four weeks, I have been surrounded by the artistic flair of nature. The ocean, mountains, islands, and brilliant sunshine have greeted me every single day. The gentle breezes always cushioned the radiant beams of the sun. The overwhelming sense of peace on this lovely island captivated my heart and isn't willing to let me go.

Every day was an "Aloha" day, meeting strangers who soon unfolded into kindred spirits. The synchronicity of events were not really surprising, but more validating or enlightening. There were so many opportunities to share loving kindness, whether exchanges were acknowledged or not. It was inspiring to be in the midst of caring human beings.

Inspiration was plentiful, increasing my enthusiasm to share my stay on this island. Discipline was never an issue as creativity drenched my thirsty desire to put pen to page. A plethora of photos were wonderful assistants in reflecting what I might not say.

Stripped away of all concerns and worry, I lived in a spiritual suspension feeling a oneness with every one and every thing. My senses heightened as I viewed all of life through intuition and an open heart.

Going home, I will be stepping into my physical suit again and I am concerned that my rose colored glasses will not work in the land of ice and snow. I do not want to leave all of this loveliness behind me, forgetting the gift that it has been. I will endeavor to share my strengthened light, and remember to stay aware in witness to the miracles of my life.

The sun has set and darkness now fills the sky. Soon there will be beams streaming from the moon and stars will be hanging in the sky; but helium seems to be leaking from my balloon.

Moloki'i Island Viewed From The Beach

We spent most of the morning on the beach looking at Moloki'i Island. It was relaxing to listen to the surf while watching the waves roll in. We were easily entertained by the beach walkers, the sunbathers and all of the surfers.

I wandered through the shallow water picking up rocks. I try to be reasonable and selective so Rustic's suitcase won't be over weight like last time! I no longer go into the ocean as on our last visit here, I had a little mishap.

I grew up on Lake Michigan an avid swimmer and certified life guard. I could honestly say that I have a strong attachment to water and have never feared it. So four years ago, I confidently waded into the ocean. I was only thigh deep high when a wave knocked me down and the under tow tossed me upside down. The current pulled me farther out, dragging the side of my body across the bottom of the ocean floor. When I finally righted myself and pushed up to the surface, the top of my bathing suit was dangling around my waist. Actually, that was the least of my worries as I knew I had been hurt. I had a bleeding abrasion on the side of my thigh the size of a large melon which gradually discolored and turned into the most hideous bruise. Behind the bruise was a hard knot the size of a baseball. Later, I was directed to physical therapy, and it took nine months for the knot to disappear. I find this reason enough to linger on the shore.

For whatever reason, there are fewer whale sightings these days, and they surface in small groups, rather than just one. They are closer in towards shore, spiraling higher into the air than before. The mist blows high from the head while the huge tail slaps the water making 'cannon ball' splashes!

Just a little way down the shore, I noticed several people gathered, clicking cameras with rapid fire. From where I was standing, I thought they were looking at a really huge turtle, as we previously had seen many near shore. This one seemed like a giant, twisting and turning, showing off his flippers. I walked a little closer. GEESH!!  It was not one large turtle, but two turtles mating! I was embarrassed for the poor turtles and quickly walked away having very little respect for the interlopers!

The Setting of the Maui Sun...

I sit on the lanai watching the sun gently fall from the sky. It sifts through the clouds, dropping behind the neighboring island of Lana'i.  It is so breath taking, I feel like I am watching a sunset for the very first time.

The passing of this glorious sunset leaves me waiting for the appearance of the stars and the welcoming of the moon. I sit in stillness as the black night wraps itself around me.  

Stars begin to dot the sky as the moon slowly crosses the stage.  This heavenly show beams energy down entering my heart and soul.  Sleep will be sound tonight while eternity hangs securely in the sky.

Upon Awakening

Upon awakening, I open my eyes and my first sight is of the ocean. I lie still watching the waves roll in, listening to their constant mesmerizing lullabies. In the distance I can see the whales making their way across the ocean. I notice the many shades of the water, recording them in memory as pictures will never reflect the depth of nature's beauty.

Clad in my nightgown and robe, I meander out to the lanai with coffee cup in hand. I sit and watch the surfers play, knowing that they must be filled with delight usually reserved for children. Riding waves, wiping out, swimming out again, the challenge and joy they must feel.

Down below a gardener is hand clipping the beautiful bushes filled with colorful flowers and trimming around the coconut trees. Rustic is watching the man with great intensity. I know him well enough to recognize his longing to be right down there, to work along side of this gardener, to interact with nature like he does hypnotically during the summer at home.

Home. I am not yet ready to turn my thoughts to home. Watching Yang, my Japanese Beta fish, swim in his bowl will somehow not be quite as exciting as watching the whales. This condo is like living in a tree house, so open with the entire side nothing but sliding glass doors. Our home will feel like a cave, I am afraid. I do not transition very well.

So I check my emails on my iPad and take some time on my lap top so that I can download more pictures to use on my blog. In real life at home, time has no meaning to me. Here in Paradise, I am even more suspended especially with the four hour time difference. It is amazing to me to wake up, check my daughter's email and learn that she has already put in four hours of work. Or even more strange, to think of calling her or the grandkids just to check in and then realize they would all be in bed, already sleeping for hours.

I have now digested my fresh fruit and yogurt and need to get dressed. The dress code here is very laid back, but not as much as in Key West. Everyone here wears shorts, light weight tops, and flip flops. Strapless long dresses are pretty popular as well in bright Hawaiian colors. Beach coverups galore are everywhere as many folks spend so much time in there suits.

We will be going back into Lahaina shortly to wander and forge for food. I will be watching for the "Two Men in Lahaina" (check out that post) to give that story closure. I plan to see both of them as synchronicity usually prevails! Aloha