The Whole Package

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.

I make mistakes,

I am out of control,

and at times hard to handle.

But if you can't handle me at my worst,

then you sure as hell don't deserve me

at my best!

 

Marilyn Monroe

 

I came across this quote the other day, and it made me laugh.  Not at Marilyn Monroe, but at the spin she attached to defining herself.  It seemed up front and honest to point out weakness, and yet maintain appreciation for strengths. 

Our strengths can be our weaknesses, and at times our weaknesses may stand out more than our strengths, but is this not human nature?  A person may criticize a friend for displaying passion for a cause, but that very same person may welcome the friend's same level of passion to assist in a personal crisis.  

We do not have instruments in the back of our heads to regulate our emotions.  Yes, we have an obligation to monitor ourselves, but we also have an obligation to be authentic.  As we slowly move through the sludge in our lives, we may not always perform for the highest good.  It may take us a while to gain momentum or to recalibrate our direction, but ultimately after cleansing, we will shine again.

We eventually learn to recognize our weaknesses, and   hopefully temper them with our strengths.  We want, however, to be embraced in good times and in bad.  We want to be accepted as a whole package. 

We desire a person to see our authentic self and to love us inspite of our imperfection.  A phrase worth repeating, "Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest. It's about who came and never left your side."   We long for a companion to support us when we are ill or dying, not just when we are fun and adventurous.

I can only assume that Marilyn Monroe had many admirers when she was famous and performing.  They were probably present for the parties and road the waves of her success.  When she escaped into weakness or fell into the darkness that eventually overcame her, I wonder where all of the feet were that needed to be standing beside her.



Fulfilling Needs

For it was not into my ear

that you whispered,

but my heart.

It was not my lips 

that you kissed,

but my soul.

Judy Garland

We all need to have attention on some level.  We need to be noticed to validate our very presence in the world.  A simple simile from a passing stranger or a kindness reflected in a quick eye glance.  An isolated comment between strangers can have more significance than we could ever imagine.  


Isolation can be debilitating and it is happening to children, adults, and the elderly.  Children are bullied or not chosen to be a part of a group.  Perhaps parents are hard working and too exhausted to have meaningful exchanges.  The elderly may be surrounded by others, but frequently withdraw into themselves.  Isolation is not only physical.  It is emotional and spiritual as well.

Adults as well as children need affection.  We all need that physical touch whether it be a handshake, hug, or a massage.  Years ago, children spent hours sitting on the laps of their elders or families cared for isolated neighbors.  In many situations now, we may not even know our neighbors and our relatives could be living in an entirely different state.

It is fun to be in a grocery store or library and randomly compliment a stranger.  Maybe the color they are wearing brightens them up or perhaps they remind you of someone else. Any simple recognition lifts kindness into the face of the lonely. Sincerely thanking a clerk in the check out lane or a server cleaning off your table at a restaurant can acknowledge a job well done no matter what level of skill.

We all long to be accepted.  For some it may be politics, family, relationship or career, but sadly, many long to be accepted just as a human being.  We all want to feel connected or to feel like we belong whether it is to family, club, specialty group or the human race.

The first step in fulfilling needs is simply recognizing that we have them and then acknowledging that needs deserve to be met.  We are worthy in spite of poor choices or our age.  We are never too young nor too old to meet our needs.  

We need to be  mindful of our words as they so often go directly to the heart ... ours included.  We need to be appropriately generous with our affection as it kindles our souls.  In freely extending attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance towards others, our needs will be met in kind.

  

The Wild Garden of Childhood ...

Everything is ceremony

in the wild garden

of childhood.

Pablo Neruda

Winter Garden

My search for objects of wonderment began very early in childhood.  My boundaries for exploration were limited so most of my discoveries occurred in the empty lot next to our apartment building.  As the lot was ill kept, things could easily be hidden in the tall weeds.  Most of these items were more than likely discarded junk, but to me this empty lot was a sacred garden of treasures. 

The corner lot was huge viewed by my child's eyes and my daily jaunt was an imagined safari.  I generously gathered random items and kept them in earlier discovered boxes with ornate lids.  I found old coins, and a small collection of military medals. It was always pure joy to find a discarded notebook containing empty pages waiting for me to sketch all over them or write to my heart's content.  Buttons were good, and sometimes old leather bound books were worthy keepsakes even if they were beyond my understanding.

At times, some adult would toss a stack of bound newspapers into the tall grass.  This provided a cushioned place for me to sit and it was low enough to hide me in my lair.  I could over hear conversations as strangers walked down the city street or snippets of information from neighborhood children racing by on their bikes.


To sit in this special space I experienced solitude and an awareness of birds, butterflies, and unfortunately unwanted snakes.  I would hold rocks in my chubby little hands and place wildflowers around me. My day dreams frequently crossed the threshold into other realms.  I loved every cloud in the sky and etched floating words into my diary.  My writings were safe in my diary with the little key and lock.


After many hours of play, I would wander back into our apartment where my mother would cast her eyes filled with disdain upon my filthy appearance.  She would promptly put me in a bathtub where I would then soak trying to scrub the dirt from behind my fingernails.  I never wore shoes and the bottoms of my feet were like leather.  If asked, the bruises on my knees from crawling around in the height of discovery were difficult to explain. The warm bath water, however, always comforted me and prepared me for the nap that was yet to come.


All these years later, I still collect rocks and keep random treasures in old wooden boxes.  I frequently write in journals after spending time outside exploring mother nature.  Taking a bath has grown into a ritual with soft music, a candle and sometimes flowers.  After surrounding myself with books, a nap still follows.  Words still float by me, and with any luck, I still cross the threshold into other realms.

Juncture of Life

 It may be when we no longer know what to do,
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go,
we have begun our real journey.

Wendell Berry

It is a day filled with rain and gloom sending a chill deep into my bones.  I sit in my chair looking out the window and find myself missing the leaves that have been carried away by the wind.  There is an empty space where my fallen tree called home and its absence causes me to sigh.

While I journal, I speculate how I fit into the greater scheme of things.   Do I make a difference in space or time?  There is so much fear and uncertainty in our world, accompanied by hot passion, but too frequently lacking conviction.  The earth and all whom stand upon her are in need of great healing and yet an intensity festers amongst those who hold the speculative answers.

As human beings we have free will.  We have choice as to whether or not we will watch life pass us by or jump on board as active participants.  Will our life just leisurely unfold or will we become interior decorators of our soul.

Some challenges are mastered while some remain snagged in distorted dreams.  Which lenses we choose to look through determines our interpretation of all that surrounds us.  Belief systems and core values direct our focus so pure innocence or untainted viewpoints are difficult to come by. 

Who to trust? 
What to believe?

Clarity of perception still resides in the eyes of the beholder.  The eyes sometimes do not see what the ears can acutely hear.  Even our physical vibrations impact reactions.  How do we ever find our way?

I no longer know what to do ...

I no longer know which way to go ...

This must be the real juncture of my life.

The one I have been striving towards.

Falling from the Tree

                                                                     

 "How silently they tumble down

And come to rest upon the ground

To lay a carpet, rich and rare,

Beneath the trees without a care,

Content to sleep, their work well done,

Colors gleaming in the sun.
                          

At other times, they wildly fly
Until they nearly reach the sky.
Twisting, turning through the air
Till all the trees stand stark and bare.
Exhausted, drop to earth below
To wait, like children, for the snow."

Elsie N. Brady, LEAVES 

-

Even though I enjoy all four seasons, fall is my most favorite.  Whether referred to as Autumn, Harvest, or Fall it is truly a time for Thanksgiving!  Fall offers nature's display of radiant colors, cooler weather, apples and apple cider, pumpkins and gourds, festivals ... the list is endless. 

Today, I breathe in the crisp fall air while I walk a trail, and listen to the leaves crunching beneath my feet.  Indeed, the leaves gather as though they are a radiant carpet of colors randomly sewn together.  The wind rips a few remaining leaves from the security of the branches and somehow this forced decent fills me with sadness.  As I watch the leaves free-fall, I admire their grace.

The wind increases, the temperatures drop, and I pull my scarf more tightly around my shoulders and neck.  Not many more days are left before winter will settle in bringing months of hibernation.  Already clocks have been set and darkness falls earlier, condensing the hours before I settle into bed.

All of the colors of fall will fade and slowly die away, and be replaced by the stark black and white of winter.  Coming forth will be heavy days laden with gray gloom.  When the snow blankets the earth, there will be an awesome silence dotted with red song birds and the trails of scampering animals. 

This year in particular, it is difficult to let fall slip away into winter.  Perhaps it is the realization that I, too, am slipping into my life's winter season.  I must be one of the colorful leaves still clutching at the branch, not yet ready to fall gracefully from the tree.



Repeatable War

Look at every path closely and deliberately.

Try it as many times as you think necessary.

Then ask yourself, and yourself alone ...

Does this path have a heart?  If it does,

the path is good.  If it doesn't, it is of no use.

Carlos Castaneda

This morning I was reading Mark Nepo's THE BOOK OF AWAKENING and he was discussing Reflex or Response.  It helped the readers explore whether or not we act out from patterns learned to protect ourselves or reply authentically from our heart.  To know the answer, we can monitor what we say and do.  We decidedly pay attention to how we react ... with deep consideration or immediate reaction.  We must create a pause just prior to our verbal and physical reactions to discover the truth of our actions.

"But sooner or later, we all arrive at moments where the very thing that has saved us is killing us, keeping us from truly living.  Being invisible once kept us from being hurt, but now we are vanishing.  Or listening once kept us in relation, but now we are drowning in our unheard cries.  Or avoiding conflict once kept us out of the line of fire, but now we are thirsting for contact that is real."  THE BOOK OF AWAKENING by Mark Nepo

Throughout life we transition in and out of cycles.  This is why life is frequently symbolized with a spiral.  We keep circulating around and around, and up and down, repeating lessons and learning new.  Sometimes the questions remain the same and we find ourselves wondering if we respond with different answers in the midst of changing circles or if we automatically react with thoughtless responses.

In childhood, it is obvious to our parents when our clothes no longer fit physically.  School guidance counselors help us to determine which classes best prepare us mentally for our career path.  Unfortunately, we are on our own in discerning when our protective barriers need to be emotionally adjusted, lowered, or permanently removed.  Friends, seminars, careers, and life experiences open our eyes to change, but only our heart knows the authenticity of our reaction and ability to stand appropriately vulnerable in our world. 

Mark Nepo states:  "We are, each of us, in a repeatable war between defending ourselves from hurts that happened long ago and opening in innocence, again and again, to the unexpected touch of life."

This sounds like such a huge risk for us to take, but if we are not willing to step out from behind our protective wall, we miss wonderful landscapes that could offer the opportunity to enrichen our lives and souls.

Pen to Paper

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium.. 

~Norbet Platt


When I was studying psychology, my professor was very clear that there were no such things as bad feelings.  He emphasized that the attached or follow up behavior from our feelings is what could be defined as good or bad.  These statements always led to discussions on exploring our feelings to learn the truth of our whole being.  Our written assignments always led to valuable self-discovery.

OPENING UP, The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions, by James W. Pennebaker, Ph.D. is an engaging book on  "how putting emotionally upsetting experiences into words can affect your thoughts, feelings, and physical health."  In addition to therapeutic sessions, using a journal can assist and deepen the journey to self-discovery and acceptance.

Years ago, while listening to the stories of senior women, I quickly realized that any kind of trauma or emotional experience was rarely discussed.  They were not eager to report incidences as they falsely assumed personal shame and guilt instead of placing responsibility on the person inflicting the action.  The word 'sex' was never spoken out loud in the home, and any subject on feelings was never discussed, so these women carried the burden of their experiences without any healthy outlet.

In our current life styles, we have access to a variety of people whom we may deem trustworthy, such as:  best friend, relative, therapist, doctor, minister, or mentor.  Even so, there are many individuals wandering through their lives as wounded children.  They have repressed their experiences, ignoring them through over working, excessive sports or drinking, or other inappropriate behavior.  These negative behaviors impact our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of healthy living.

Dr. James W. Pennebaker has researched the end results of writing for well being.  He suggests that "writing clears the mind, helps resolve trauma, helps in acquiring and remembering new information and fosters problem solving." 

Some people have the impression that we need to let 'sleeping dogs lie' but research is showing the correlation between our mind, body and spirit.  When our thoughts are being repressed, they are a distraction or a mental block to clear thinking.   If we 'stuff our feelings' our bodies begin to be impacted producing poor health and medical issues.  Lastly, we can become depressed, breaking our authentic spiritual self, losing our connectedness with others.  In each of these stages, writing can be used as a successful coping technique.  It is affordable, easily accessible, and confidential.

There is great reward in having a trusted individual in our life to listen as we voice our words as our stories need to be told.  Listeners can offer support, encouragement, and guidance.  It is important to have those who can stand present in our life.  There are also times, however, when we cannot yet speak our truth out loud.  It is during these episodes that writing can be invaluable.

Keeping a journal is not just for trauma or negative experiences.  Writing can help keep a balance in our daily life.  It can help organize our emotional make up.  Recordings can reflect gratitude and a thankful heart that will be encouraging and supportive when re-read later when life is not running quite so smoothly. Jotting down favorite prayers can be uplifting at a later time when rediscovered.  Writing can be considered a vital tool in maintaining a healthy mind, body, and spirit. 

Journals are all different and writers are unique as well.  It doesn't matter if we write daily or only when we are struggling.  The importance is having an arena to express unfiltered thoughts and words that can lead to insights and discovery. 

Unsettling fog ...

To be near something beautiful or precious

but to be unable to experience it

is the subtlest possible form

of torture.

Robert Johnson

There is comfort in choosing a particular spiritual path as it offers a sense of direction and a reasonable idea of what is to be expected.  There are side roads, however, that distract us from the original trail.  These diversions can enhance our experience through beauty and mystery or cause us anxiety through an unsettling fog.

There is a place in my heart where wisdom grows and my soul expands.  In this space, I know that we are all connected one to the other, and surrounded by love and light.  It is this 'knowing' that guides me down my path experiencing the magic in the world.  This same knowledge is within me when I find myself unsettled in fog, but ego speaks so loudly in fear, my confidence wains.  It is easier to be brave in the sunshine seeing the road splayed before you than it is groping along in the fog.

"Where am I now," my voice calls out to no one.  I cannot see through this heavy mist that reduces my mental and spiritual clarity.  I thought I knew where I was headed, until I lost my vision.  Ah, therein the answer is found!

All the beauty and things that I hold dear continue to surround me as the fog is only in my clouded perception.  My ego steeped in fear deceives me, not my chosen path at all!  So easily I forget, but surely each challenge helps me to grow.

Sweet Words of Self-Discovery

It took me a long time

not to judge myself

through someone else's eyes.

Sally Field

The concept of life being a competition is foreign to me.  I much prefer to think of life as a celebration of our individual gifts and talents.  Instead of working against each other, I prefer to think of all peoples coming together in a joint effort with eclectic ideas.

In order to come forth to celebrate, we must understand and honor our unique strengths.  We cannot depend upon others to tell us 'who we are' or what work we could or should be doing.  Yes, we all need helpful direction and guidance from time to time, but what is that saying ... "What other people think of me is none of my business." 

Back in the '70's and 80's Neuro Linguistic Programming received positive attention as an approach to psychotherapy.  NLP assisted a person in developing self-awareness and effective communication that would change patterns of mental and emotional behavior.  Much of NLP was about re-framing and I loved it. 

For example, I had never been an athlete nor had I ever been particularly coordinated, but I found myself married into a family of athletes.  Soon I was saying things like, "I am such a klutz," or "I cannot be a jock!"  It became apparent to me, that the more I made those statements, the more inept I became.  So NLP encouraged me to re-frame my statements which I did do with great success.  The idea was to focus on your strength and not your weakness.  My statements became to sound more like, "My strengths are more in writing skills than sports," or "I am rather challenged by tight rope walking."  I quickly learned to use the word challenged for cannot.  It was a matter of reprogramming myself.

We are our own worst enemies.  More than likely, we are more critical of our own self than any one else.  There is no one who knows us better than our selves and yet we readily embrace the judgments of others more deeply than our own personal assessment.  We may say that we love deeply ... others perhaps, but how deeply do we love our selves?

Therapists frequently say, "Love your self!"  Talk about not relating.  Years ago hearing those words were about as helpful as someone saying, "Fly off this cliff!"  Further along my journey, however, I did learn to love my self and there is no greater feeling. 

I am now of the age where if I want to be something in particular, I best be getting on with it.  Instead of saying, "I want to be a writer" it is much more supportive to say, "I am a writer."  It is much more heart felt to say, "I am your friend," instead of "I want to be your friend."

My daughter set an example for me with one of her friends who was being emotionally challenged.  She said to her friend, "How can I love you better?"  Her friend sadly replied, "I don't need anything."  My daughter said, "I didn't ask you what you needed, I asked how I could love you better!"  Her friend 'felt' the sincerity and the depth of the remark and began to smile.  Words are powerful!

   

Forget about enlightenment.

Sit down wherever you are

And listen to the wind singing through your veins.

John Welwood

In other words, quit searching and be present with your self.  Spirit is the wind singing through you, waiting for you to hear the sweet words of self-discovery.

Opening of a Rose!

Be comforted by the fact that,

even when you blink,

the sun does not stop shining,

the birds do not stop singing,

and the flowers do not stop opening.

THE BOOK OF AWAKENING

by Mark Nepo

It is a lovely morning and I find myself seated in the old white wicker rocker in the back yard.  The sun is out, and there is an ever so gentle breeze that dances across my face.  I have watered my plants and sit journaling trying to be inspired.  The birds are so loudly chirping, I set my pen down as though my attention is mandated for the songfest happening by the feeders.

Sometimes while trying to pay attention, I defeat my purpose.  My focus is too narrow and I miss the bigger picture, such as the birds singing over by the feeder or the beautiful blue sky with floating white clouds.  Taking conscious note of all of these things connects me to life, rather than separating.

I am reminded that just because my eyes may close, my heart may slam shut, and I neglect to be present does not mean that Spirit isn't surrounding me, that magic is not in the making, and that lessons and gifts aren't patiently waiting.  Just because I choose to feel alone, does not mean that I am alone.

It simply means I have permitted my ego to take control rather than allowing Spirit to guide.

There are moments when Spirit spontaneously becomes present in my life, actually startling me.  One day I was sitting in my room allowing my self to feel alone when an old wooden Madonna music box began to play.  It stopped as suddenly as it began, but it reminded me that even though my eyes were closed

it did not mean that love was not surrounding me.

The Universe wants to please us and to support our desires.  So if you are constantly pessimistic, you will be supplied accordingly.  If we wake up thinking we will have a bad day, that's what we will have.

Whether we process life through observing patterns, cycles, or simply catching glimpses of Divine, we must remain steadfast.  Our awareness must be at all times and not just one morning per week or when we happen to think of it.  We must liken our selves to the gentle opening of the rose, readily prepared to pull the sun shine deeply within at any given moment!

Street of Broken Dreams ...

I can't wait all my life

On a street of broken dreams.

JOURNEY ~ "It Could Have Been You"

When things go wrong in life, it is tempting to emotionally 'shut down' as a measure of self-protection.  The impulse is to close the heart off from further exchanges, in hopes of not getting hurt again.  The desire to numb all feelings can lead to over eating, excessive drinking, sexual addictions, depression or a variety of other problems.  When the heart closes, love and light cannot enter, delaying the process of healing. 

There are other alternative behaviors that are much healthier and gently lead to and through the healing process.  Try to leave your heart open and embrace life in spite of challenge.  Live simply and respect feelings that surface.  Pay attention to emotional shifts and match behaviors to them.  If you need nurturing, do some couch time with a new book or meet with a friend or get a massage.  To be creative, buy some flowers to brighten up your living space and explore new subject matters when needing stimulation.  Enroll in a new class to expand your interests and to create more community.  Move your body to release stress by walking or yoga.  At the end of the day, find quiet time to be still with your inner feelings.  Jot down reflections of your day or visions for tomorrow.

In spite of weakness or flaw, love your self unconditionally.  Carry your self securely through your day with kindness, honor and respect.  Slow your pace down to allow healing and new beginnings.  In time, all things pass. So, take the detour around the street of broken dreams and wander the countryside on roads filled with beauty and peace!

PUSH!

When one door closes

another door opens;

but we so often look so long

and so regretfully

upon the closed door

that we do not see the ones

which open for us.

~Alexander Graham Bell



The concept of one door closing while another opens has always been one of my favorite.  So much so, many years ago I entitled my private community counseling service as OPEN DOORS.  My intent was for all people to know that they were welcome and that there were always options waiting to be discovered behind doors.  Sometimes we just have to PUSH!

As transition moves us either figuratively or physically from one place to another, the sound of the closing door is always a lonely one.  If we are running away emotionally or physically, the sound of feet slapping against the pavement produces anxiety.  If we linger too long in the space between the closing and the opening door, we may find ourselves stuck in darkness.  This is when we must gather strength and PUSH against the awaiting door.

As the door swings open, light once again filters into us and a deep breath of fresh air fills us.   We find hope and courage waiting for our approach, to lead us forward into the new.

"Don't spend time beating on a wall,

hoping to transform it into a door."

~Coco Chanel

It Takes Courage ...

It takes courage to grow up,

and become who you really are.

e.e.cummings

Children on Mother's Day

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life longing for itself.
They came through you,
but not from you
and though they are with you yet

they belong not to you."

Kahlil Gibran

From early on, my children never felt like my possessions.  I took my role as mother seriously, as an educator, nurturer, and protector.  It was totally amazing to give birth to four children who would unfold into individual spirits possessing gifts and talents uniquely onto themselves.  

Three boys and a surprise girl born on Mother's Day, bonded together supplying the family with rich memories and difficult challenges, teaching me the extraordinary dynamics of love and trust.  These siblings grew me as much as I grew them.

There was never a good time to let them go, but go they must.  Each traveling his or her own journey to become all they were meant to be, discovering all parts of  the true self.  The depth of love for these four shining stars sinks deeply within me, all the while knowing they never belonged to me.

'Shape Shifter'

"Behold the turtle!

He makes progress only when

he sticks his neck out."

James Bryant Conant

There are times I feel much more like a turtle than a hawk flying in the sky.  Life becomes challenging and instead of facing it head on, like a turtle, I neatly pull my head in to hide under my shell.  Of course this works for awhile, resting within myself, but progress it does not make.  So when I feel safe, I slowly stick my neck back out, only to discover that challenge still awaits.

To soar with freedom in the sky, like a hawk in flight is much more my desire.  I would view life from a higher perspective, spread my wings, and float above the negative thoughts that seemingly hold me anchored to the ground.  I would greet the clouds, embrace the morning sun, and blend into the whisper of the wind. 

Honestly, both creatures have appeal.  The turtle, once a Far East symbol of an invitation for the blessings of both heaven and earth, would slow me down and keep me grounded; while the hawk, a visionary of the air, would facilitate through flight, communication with humans and the great spirits of the sky. 

Perhaps it would be best to choose the life of a 'shape shifter'!  I would then enjoy all enlightening qualities of both the turtle and the hawk!