Holding the Answer

 

 

 

 

"My little mind is conflicted about what to do.

And even after I have decided in peace,

my little mind

now is confused about the outcome."

 

Hugh Prather

SPIRITUAL NOTES to MYSELF     

 

 

 

 

If there were one word to describe my childhood, it would be confused.  Nothing appeared to be consistent and what was my truth definitely was not in alignment with the family.  The family seemed to be able to display an image that did not resonate within in me.  Their were so many conflicting scenarios, I began to doubt my own truth.  I was to honor and obey my parents as they were representing God, so Sunday School proclaimed.  If this were true, how could I not accept their word over mine?  Thus, confused. 

 

A few weeks ago, I was grappling with a very important decision.  This decision would impact me greatly, so it had to be well thought out.  My decision once made, would not necessarily be understood by others and knowing I would be going against the status quo, I felt confused.  I felt those old feelings of second guessing my self, my inner wisdom being questioned, even though I knew it was what I wanted. 

 

Then I remembered my confusion had been caused when I was a child, incapable of discerning family dysfunctions.  I now had choice and could trust my choices.  Being open to other suggestions is beneficial, but in the end, I must choose.  I felt great relief upon making my decision.

 

Believing in my abilities, honoring my inner feelings, I announced my final answer to those directly involved.  I felt a personal freedom and an inner power of mastering my life.  This didn't last for long, as worry set in.  What if I was wrong?  I began to worry my new sense of power down to the nubbins.  Once again I found myself to be confused. 

 

My eyes scanned my bookshelves, searching for a book to escape into, to end this ever repeating pattern of childhood insecurity about truth.  Selecting a favorite old friend, I settled in to read.  Amazed, right before me was a story addressing how people  changed their lives simply by taking action.  Choices awaiting us might not be the best, but they are there waiting to pull us out of victim hood.  Making choice is the required action for change.  Ah, validation.

 

As the hours passed, my courage to support my decision returned.  I tried to be gentle accepting that once again I had looked outside of my lovely self rather than trusting my gut.  I was still seeking approval for what was best for me, when I knowingly held the answer in my heart. 

 

Seeking knowledge from others assists us in making our lives run smoothly.  Additional information assists us in deciphering our intentions. The entire time, however, there is a small voice patiently waiting for us to hear and to believe in our own truths. 

 

It takes hard work to excavate old structures, and one must remain constantly aware that we give up too easily. Deep inside under piles of fear and old debris, our authentic voice is waiting to be uncovered.  We have value no matter what the past holds, and we are worthy no matter what we have left undone.  We need to pick up our shovels and begin to dig discovering the inner beauty of our selves. The answers await in your heart.