To Look Deeply

To know someone deeply

is like hearing the moon through the ocean ...

Mark Nepo

THE BOOK OF AWAKENING    

Relationships are the teachers of many lessons.  If we do not exchange experiences with others, we curtail our lessons and personal progress.  Friendships can bring heart break and disappointments, but they can also offer a safe haven.  We will never know unless we try.

There is nothing as comforting as looking into the eyes of another and realizing they have had the same experience.  Sometimes friends simply understand us so well that they relate to our struggle even though they have not experienced it themselves.  Our friends really do not have to have the perfect response or the best solution.  Just by being present with us and witnessing our challenge can be all we need at the moment.

We may feel we are the only ones experiencing such a challenge, but in reality, we all have challenges.  They might look differently, but they serve the same purpose.  So those who have gone before us, who have struggled up life's mountain and are successfully standing at the top, can encourage us and cheer us on;  however, we still must carve our own authentic path. 

Being understood  can be the best remedy for any situation.  To look deeply into some one's eyes and find acceptance and compassion can make all of the difference.  Words of encouragement and honest reflection help us to see the depth in other people's eyes.  We will only know this if we dare to open our hearts. 

Apply the Information Wisely

Aim with your heart,

steer with your mind,

and know that it always works.

THE UNIVERSE

www.tut.com



There is a quote about God breaking our heart open again and again until we leave it open permanently.  At first read, I thought this was kind of harsh, but I have since learned navigation skills with matters concerning the heart.  Our focus ought not be on layers of protection, but on regulating our emotions.  We have no control over others, but we have absolute control of how we react to any given situation.

While exploring an old journal, I came across a relationship I had with someone.  During the first week of writing about this relationship, I was expressing red flags and reasons why I ought not invest more time and energy.  The weeks turned into months and at long last, there was a summary of why this relationship was not working that matched the previous writing in week one. 

We are expected to have a huge heart, but not to tolerate situations making us feel uncomfortable. It is ok to say, "No thank you," right at the beginning rather than getting all tangled up in emotional drama ending with intense hurt feelings.  Most often, our first response is right on target.  We somehow have the misguided thought of looking at a person in front of us and thinking, "hmmm...how can I make this relationship work?"  It really isn't about judgement, but it is about compatibility.  It is not our responsibility to teach another person how to best fit with us.  Nor is right for a person to desperately change his or her nature in an attempt to blend in with someone else.  We have the right to be our selves as long as we hurt no one. 

We can leave our heart open to others, but use our minds to explore directions.  We have no obligation to 'fix' any one else or to settle to make a relationship 'work'.  We must be certain of what we personally desire and remain present in each moment.  A healthy relationship provides comfort, respect, and love both ways.  It is in the giving and the receiving we will be nurtured and establish healthy boundaries and lasting bonds.

So unchain the heart.  Remove the barricades and layers of protection.  Dare to be vulnerable and realize our safety is within our wise decision making.  We always know the right answer, we just do not always apply the information wisely!

Sibling Birthdays

To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. - Clara Ortega

This is not a very good picture, but it is one of my favorites.  My second son was born on May 10th and my daughter, the youngest of four, was born on May 11th.  Born in different years, there are nine years between them. 

As time passes, nothing warms my heart more than seeing my children together and thoroughly enjoying each other.  To listen to these two releasing age old secrets and  constant teasing makes me very happy.  They share a bond that hopefully will never be broken.

In Astrology, they are Tarus which means they are resourceful and productive which both of their successful careers reflect.  They are both dependable, persistent and determined.  They have  been excellent teachers to me and I would not be who I am today without either one of them.

This son was the most difficult to raise out of three boys.  He was extremely hyper and reveled in tormenting his three sibs while appearing to be quiet to strangers.  He could be the most endearing child one moment and driving you crazy the next.  The bond between us has never been about time and place, but rather a sense of having been connected all of our yesterdays and every tomorrow.

This handsome young man is married to a beautiful and intelligent woman.  Together they have two amazing children who will surely make this world a better place.  I am deeply proud of the man he has made of himself  in spite of life's challenges. 

Perfectly Safe

A daughter may outgrow your lap,

 but she will never outgrow your heart.

Author Unknown

It was a morning of snow covering a layer of ice on the road.  When I pulled out of my drive way, I questioned the safety of my journey.  As  I slowly moved along, I saw flashing police lights at the corner and a few cars were already backed up.  Like the other drivers, I put the car in park and tried to see what had happened ahead.

Traffic was not moving and there seemed to be two cars in collision at the intersection.  It started snowing again and I wondered about turning around in the church parking lot.  I noticed a car pulling into the church lot with the driver door flying open as the car jerked to a stop.  A middle aged woman was running through the deep snow towards the corner.  She did not have a coat on and I could have sworn she had on fuzzy slippers.   It was within seconds that I noticed a teen-aged girl running towards her away from the collision.  She wore a heavy jacket and big boots  with her long hair flowing in the blowing snow.  Her arms were stretched out straight in front of her, reaching for her mother still many yards away. 

I unrolled my car window in time to hear the girl sobbing and screaming for her mother.  I heard the mother yelling, "Are you hurt?"   Tears crept into my eyes as I watched mother and daughter run into each others arms.  They hugged and moved in place like they were never going to let go.  The mother stroked the young girl's hair while the daughter rested her head on her mother's shoulder.

This particular scene symbolized the strength of the mother daughter relationship.  It reflected years of trust and comfort.  I found my self praying for them and for all mothers and daughters with the hope for tender and endearing moments.  It was my wish for all children to have the comfort of knowing the safety found only in the arms of a mother's embrace. 

Changing my mind, I turned around to head home.  I felt my self yearning to hug my own daughter, to keep her safe, and out of harms way.  As this is not  possible as she is grown and living in her own space, I parked in the garage and immediately found my cell phone.   I was thankful when in a few moments  she responded to my text perfectly safe.   

Simmer Until Boiled Dry ...

Where there is anger,

there is always pain underneath. 

Eckhart Tolle

There have been several times I have noticed the exchanges between couples prompting me to  question the balance of power in relationships.  I hope to recapture these moments to display what I mean.

    A  woman in her early sixties was standing at a check out counter of a small shop.  The husband entered (they were wearing wedding bands) and in a loud harsh voice says, "You are not buying that are you?  You'll never wear it.  You don't need it." The few customers in the store turned to the bullish man as quiet loomed in the shop.  The shop keeper sympathetically looked into the woman's eyes and asked, "How about if I take 20% off the price?"  The husband in a degrading voice looked at the wife saying, "You aren't seriously going to buy that are you?"  The customers in the shop seemed to gather closer.  The wife took a deep breath and asked the shop keeper to please wrap it up.  The husband stormed out of the shop.


     A woman sipping her drink leaned forward and lovingly said to her companion, "Are you going to keep me forever?"  The man was hesitant creating a slight pause before he responded, "Well, forever is an awfully long time."    The earlier look of love quickly turned to embarrassment.

     A woman asked a man, "Which way do you want to go?"  Curtly,  the man replied, "How about you go that way and I'll go this way.  We can meet back at the house."  The smile fell from the woman's face while the man attempted to convince her he had been only teasing.

    The sidewalks were cramped with people moving ever so slowly.  An attractive woman was bumped off the curb and a man behind her was quick to grab her arm.  "Are you okay honey?" he asked.   She jerked her arm away from him obviously angry.  She loudly yelled at him, "You do not need to take care of me.  I can take care of my self.  I don't need you at all." 

    The attractive couple shared a bottle of wine.  He was physically fit and graying around the temples of his well structured face.  She was an attractive blond with long legs stretching under the table for two, reaching out to his.  Her smiling eyes never left his face.  She encouraged him to talk and they shared laughter throughout their dinner.  There seemed to be an intimacy between them.  Then he said, "Before my wife died ... "  She responded  immediately in body language.  She pulled her tanned legs back under her chair.  She broke her loving gaze from his face and looked away.  Pretending to let a huge yawn escape from her mouth, she quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks.  As she leaned back in her chair, she crossed her arms as if they would protect her. She yawned again in attempt to fill the newly created silence between them.  He appeared to be lost in his thoughts while she seemed to notice us for the first time at the neighboring table.  "Lovely evening isn't it," she bravely said in our direction.  We politely replied as the man left to pay the bill.  She seemed to wander off the porch of Bagatelle's Restaurant out into the night.

These are all examples of anger with pain under the surface.  If we choose to ignore  anger and let  emotional pain simmer until we are emotionally boiled dry, what then?  How long does one endure degrading remarks in public, humiliation in front of others, or damaging personal insults passed off as teasing or joking.  This behavior is not exclusive to age or gender.  The basic issue is respect and honor towards our selves and  others.  It is also about appropriate communication and speaking out about inner feelings.  Unfortunately, when we exercise this kind of behavior, it can spill  over into other relationships both social and professional.

It is discouraging to observe and/or experience these types of situations.  They reflect the masks we choose to wear when we are not authentically present in the moment and not aligned with our precious selves.  They are reminders to us all to be more direct and honest so we won't boil dry.

Loving in the Moment

To Cherish Your Beloved

When we know that the person we love is impermanent, we will cherish our beloved all the more.  Impermanence teaches us to respect and value every moment and all the precious things around us and inside of us.  When we practice mindfulness of impermanence, we become fresher and more loving.

Thich Nhat Hanh
YOUR TRUE HOME


It is not easy to love all of the time, especially those who are closest to us.  Somehow it is easier to find fault with the ones we love the most, and that is just not right.

When I am with my grandchildren, I find myself to be far more lenient than when I was raising my own kids.  While visiting, I find myself fully present in the moment.  I listen carefully to what they say, try to respond with good comments, and really try to reflect the love I feel for them.

Unfortunately, in many of our most important relationships, we drop the ball.  We seem to develop the attitude that 'they' will understand ... over and over again.  We perhaps say unfiltered things to them that we would never dare say to a stranger or close friend.  This makes no sense to me, and yet it is sadly true. 

There are many old sayings:  "Don't cry over spilt milk!  Don't go to bed angry!  Don't let these be the last words you speak."  Far too many times I have heard people crying over the death of a loved one while saying, "The last words I said to him were awful and I never kissed him good-bye!"

The point is not to tolerate misbehavior nor withhold disappointment, but to use appropriate words for a loved one.  We can make our point just as easily using a calm and loving voice rather than shouting with anger.  Even when we have unfinished business, we can still temper it with love.  Instead of a cold shoulder, we could be mindful of how much we do love this individual, and give them a hug saying, "I really need to think this over."    This keeps the door to communication open and we are not adding to the already long list of complaints.

Thich Nhat Hanh suggests by staying in the moment, remembering that we are all impermanent, we will cherish our loved ones more.  So it becomes important to treat each other with loving respect, letting the minor offenses fall, as we keep our hearts and minds open.  It becomes most important that our loved ones are continuously told how much they are loved.

"Oh, they know how much I love them," is what many folks say, but people want to hear the loving words and not assume.
In remembering impermanence, we learn to reframe what we say:  "I love you dearly, but I do not like your behavior.  I cannot imagine my life without you, but I cannot agree to these decisions."  So there is a balance to what we say, and it is said calmly with love.  It is honest communication that aligns us.

In each present moment, I will try to be mindful of my own impermanence.  I will endeavor to cherish the good in every one and all things hopefully becoming fresher and more loving.

Of Being Woven ... Rumi



Of Being Woven



 "The way is full of genuine sacrifice.

The thickets blocking the path are anything

that keeps your from that, any fear

that you may be broken to bits like a glass bottle.

This road demands courage and stamina,

yet it's full of footprints!  Who are

these companions?  They are rungs

in your ladder.  Use them!

With company you quicken your ascent.

You may be happy enough going along,

but with others you'll get farther and faster.

Someone who goes cheerfully by himself

to the customs house to pay his traveler's tax

will go even more lightheartedly

when friends are with him.

Every prophet sought out companions.

A wall standing alone is useless,

but put three or four walls together,

and they'll support a roof and keep

the grain dry and safe.

When ink joins with a pen, then the blank paper

can say something.  Rushes and reeds must be woven

to be useful as a mat.  If they weren't interlaced,

the wind would blow them away.

Like that, God paired up creatures, and gave them friendship."

The Essential RUMI

Translated by Coleman Barks

 

The spiritual path is one we walk alone, but during this proces we meet mentors, fellow travelers, and bits and pieces of our inner selves.  It is important to never totally isolate our selves as we need the the wisdom and challenges that other spirits so generously bring.  Along the way, you will discover and create the balance of weaving the tapestry of life.

Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,

when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,

- not even a mouse:
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there....

  ~Clement Clarke Moore

The Christmas Season offers opportunity for creating wonderful memories and for recalling the past.  For some folks, the holidays have grown too expensive for their declining budgets or family has moved too far away not allowing loved ones to gather.  There are many reasons as to why this glorious season causes many of us emotional, physical and spiritual pain.  

As we rush around in preparation for home entertainment or for travel, we do not get enough sleep and eat many more unhealthy food items resulting in a run down feeling.  When we are tired, we are much more likely to become irritable or depressed. 

Balance must be brought into the equation.  Make sure that you are restoring your body, mind, and soul by making good choices:

Physically:  Park a little farther from the store so you can stretch your legs and breathe in fresh air.  Decide what you are going to eat prior to arriving at the restaurant.  Don't look at the menu, just order a healthy meal as chefs are very obliging.  Share your dessert.

Mentally:  Do not over personalize.  If some one is rude to you, wonder to yourself, "I wonder why they are having such a bad day.  I'll be a little nicer to them!"  By extending kindness to some one appearing to be stressed out, usually changes their persona immediately.  It's not about you! 

Spiritually:  Even when we minimize materialism during the Christmas Season, we often become distracted by holiday parties, programs, and commitments.   Every morning, quietly ask your self, "Where is my heart this Christmas Season?"  Be mindful all day long if we are role modeling our spiritual beliefs.  Throughout the day, listen for the magic that circulates in and out of our lives.  Magic is everywhere when we are willing to see Divine Spirit in every heart, in every living thing, and in every breath we take.

May we all find balance in our lives to fully experience all that is holy through giving and receiving to others, to ourselves, and to Spirit.

        

Inventory of Relationships

The kaleidoscope of colour

which is my life ,

Shows the interesting choices

I've made along the way.

Antie Koekie

This morning I read "Our relationships were meant to bring us joy and empowerment." (A DEEP BREATH OF LIFE by Alan Cohen).  I began to explore the truth in this statement within my relationships.

As a "people person"  I have a variety of relationships and as I evaluate them, I find that some weigh me down or stress me out whereas others nurture and stimulate me.  I realize that some need to be gently wrapped up, given closure, and safely stored away.  Others need to be reopened, restored and appreciated while still others just need forgiveness and release.  My inventory of relationships feels heavy and in need of attention.

This exploration of relationships makes me realize how inconsistently I give of myself.  It seems I have it in reverse ... giving more or trying harder in areas that perhaps deserve less and not having as much time for those that deserve my full attention.

I realize the need to bring integrity into my exchanges rather than anxiety with a 'lesser than' attitude.  I need to speak up and express myself honestly rather than hiding or feeling too vulnerable.  All disingenuous conversations drain me whereas

speaking my truth with respect towards others empowers me.

There is no need for manipulation or power plays.  I just need to let interactions unfold in a natural way as long as I honor myself in the process.  I must look deeply into the heart of the other to see how I can best serve without giving myself away.