Let No One Take It Away

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”

Barbara De Angelis

                                                                

Surviving a few major relationships, dedicated to a vibrant career, I willingly faced life as a single, but surrounded by solid friendships.  By living alone, I had freedom to do whatever I wanted within reason.  I resided in a condo much like a tree house, having access to the sky, the stars, and the moon.  I gathered various groups whenever it pleased, and entertained with a creative flair that greatly appeased.  I continued to enjoy the fullness in my life, but I desired to  have a companion to finish out my remaining years. 
  

Living by one's self for any length of time creates spontaneity and flexibility without having to account for impulsiveness.  Freedom to readjust schedules on a whim, eat cereal for dinner without a second thought, and stay in pajamas for a full day without a care.  There is pleasure found in shutting the house down at 7 p.m. retreating to bed for long evenings read. This freedom to do as one pleases creates the ability to become rather indulgent in an innocent but selfish way. 

We hold our selves accountable for what we say and meet our personal needs as so inclined.  We speak our truth without fear of embarrassing a mate or causing conflict and tension within the home.  We can run late and eat on the fly, and change course unable to see the bookstore without dropping by.  Each part of our life is orchestrated exacting harmony in our lives.

There came a time , for me at least, where my life indeed was full, but I wanted to bring someone into my fold, to share and be shared as life would unfold.  And in doing so, one needs to change the notes in one's song, adjusting words to a new harmony.   It takes time and experience to find the balance of two dancing instead of one.

So we speak of integrity and it should continue to hold true.  No matter if we are alone or sharing life we must use our voice to speak our truth.  We must come out of our analytical thinking and express our needs in spite of the confusion that may fall.  We must stay true to our self even while sharing this doubled life.  It is too easy to lose our self, relinquishing our right to freedom we deserve to hold. 

It is necessary for each of us to preserve our freedom and to respect the freedom of others.  It is ours to have and to hold each in our own right.  Let no one take it away. 

Carefully Drawn Boundaries

Indifference and neglect

often do much more damage

than outright dislike.

J. K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

It never seizes to amaze me how much I learn and then how much I forget.  I am not talking about letting go of what I no longer need.  I am talking about experiencing something pivotal and then allowing it to fall through a rabbit's hole like Alice in Wonderland. 

Then I have to re-experience the lesson all over again.  I hear myself say, "Oh, I remember this!"  The second time, the lesson seems to have increased in challenge, making it just a little more difficult to accomplish and then maintain.

Just lately, I have been exceptionally hard on myself.  In my own eyes I have been falling short of self-imposed expectations, and  I have tried all the harder to come up with my desired result. 

I slowly became aware that I was no longer aligned.  I was making allowances where there should have been none.   I was over compensating and out of balance. 

I realize it is better to give than to receive, but our boundaries must be carefully drawn to prevent others from taking advantage.  Compassion for others is a necessary component in life, but it does not require us to be subjected to disrespect.  If we do not speak up for ourselves, then who will?

Moving Forward

He who knows others is learned;

He who knows himself is wise.

~Lao-tzu

Tao te Ching

The time is quickly approaching for me to travel on a spiritual quest to North Carolina.  Last year my intention was to 'align my stars' while safely crossing the bridge to the other side.  The time spent traveling to and from this women's retreat was simply magical.  Being in the presence of heightened energy allowed one to travel in time or simply stand still.  I believe I experienced both.

"Why, if I had such a deep experience of self-discovery last year, am I feeling resistance to attend this year," is my on going question.  I am faced with my own rigid behaviors and false limitations.  I am discouraged by the appearance of ruffles and bows rather than seeing the simplicity of what could be.

Turning to contemplation, I used a favorite book for guidance.  While reading the well worn pages, I came across a paragraph encouraging me to travel with like minded people.  The writing reminded me that when energy is gathered we not only stimulate our selves, but also awaken the spiritual impulses of the earth.

Thinking of the bigger picture, perhaps it is not important for me to actually 'know' why I am attending.  Maybe I am not attending for a personal intention, but simply need to be present in the gathered energy. 

I am willing to trust there is a reason for my attendance even though it is currently hidden from me.  I can feel Spirit nudging me to move forward, so forward I will go.

 

Loving in the Moment

To Cherish Your Beloved

When we know that the person we love is impermanent, we will cherish our beloved all the more.  Impermanence teaches us to respect and value every moment and all the precious things around us and inside of us.  When we practice mindfulness of impermanence, we become fresher and more loving.

Thich Nhat Hanh
YOUR TRUE HOME


It is not easy to love all of the time, especially those who are closest to us.  Somehow it is easier to find fault with the ones we love the most, and that is just not right.

When I am with my grandchildren, I find myself to be far more lenient than when I was raising my own kids.  While visiting, I find myself fully present in the moment.  I listen carefully to what they say, try to respond with good comments, and really try to reflect the love I feel for them.

Unfortunately, in many of our most important relationships, we drop the ball.  We seem to develop the attitude that 'they' will understand ... over and over again.  We perhaps say unfiltered things to them that we would never dare say to a stranger or close friend.  This makes no sense to me, and yet it is sadly true. 

There are many old sayings:  "Don't cry over spilt milk!  Don't go to bed angry!  Don't let these be the last words you speak."  Far too many times I have heard people crying over the death of a loved one while saying, "The last words I said to him were awful and I never kissed him good-bye!"

The point is not to tolerate misbehavior nor withhold disappointment, but to use appropriate words for a loved one.  We can make our point just as easily using a calm and loving voice rather than shouting with anger.  Even when we have unfinished business, we can still temper it with love.  Instead of a cold shoulder, we could be mindful of how much we do love this individual, and give them a hug saying, "I really need to think this over."    This keeps the door to communication open and we are not adding to the already long list of complaints.

Thich Nhat Hanh suggests by staying in the moment, remembering that we are all impermanent, we will cherish our loved ones more.  So it becomes important to treat each other with loving respect, letting the minor offenses fall, as we keep our hearts and minds open.  It becomes most important that our loved ones are continuously told how much they are loved.

"Oh, they know how much I love them," is what many folks say, but people want to hear the loving words and not assume.
In remembering impermanence, we learn to reframe what we say:  "I love you dearly, but I do not like your behavior.  I cannot imagine my life without you, but I cannot agree to these decisions."  So there is a balance to what we say, and it is said calmly with love.  It is honest communication that aligns us.

In each present moment, I will try to be mindful of my own impermanence.  I will endeavor to cherish the good in every one and all things hopefully becoming fresher and more loving.

Perceptions and Alignment

Equally, we require a collective past ~

hence the endless reinterpretations of history,

frequently to suit the perceptions of the present.

Penelope Lively

Perceptions govern our lives.  What we see, feel or do are based on how we perceive truth.  It may not be someone else's truth, but it will be our personal perception of the occurrence of things.  At times, our perceptions may be perfectly aligned with some one else's or even from the collective consciousness accumulating over time and space.  When such alignment occurs, we can find ourselves experiencing overwhelming emotion.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has been a world wide presenter and author for many years.  He isn't just 'seasoned.'  In my perception, he is a willing instrument of Spirit, and is used frequently to touch the hearts of those who hear or read his work. 

Dr. Dyer was on tour and presented one of his lectures at the San Pietro Abbey in Assisi, Italy.  His words were based on the life of St. Francis of Assisi.  The audience was filled with eager listeners and found themselves experiencing Wayne Dyer aligned with the perceptions of the man, Francis.

Towards the end of his presentation, Dr. Dyer told a story that had been passed down in time about St. Francis meeting a leper.  St. Francis was very afraid of lepers, but he forced him self to interact with this particular leper.  He extended kindness in spite of his overwhelming fear.  In this story, the leper turns out to be Jesus thanking St. Francis for his faithful attention to others in spite of his personal safety and fears.  Reportedly, St. Francis was overwhelmed by emotion and broke down in tears. 

At the ending of this story, the audience noticed Wayne Dyer with tears streaming down his face.  He did not try to wipe them away nor did he try to explain the alignment he felt at that moment with the feelings of St. Francis.  In support of the unusual moment, the audience lifted their hands in silence while Wayne Dyer wept.

This experience with perceptions and alignment can happen to any one at any time or any place.  It most generally will catch the person off guard, totally unsuspecting of the possibility and experiencing overwhelming emotion.  Often times, the person will respond by saying, "I don't know what came over me."

I have had such an experience, and perhaps one day I will share it.  It happened when I aligned myself with the stars ...