He said, She said ...

The most precious gift we can offer anyone

is our attention.

Thich Nhat Hanh

He said:   If this guy doesn't make the next cut,

                 he'll be out of the tournament.

She said:  I don't feel so very well.

He said:   We better get some rain or the

                 our lawn will be fried!

She said:  I am not doing so very well.

He said:   If they don't win this game,

                 they can forget about the series.

She said:  I don't know what is wrong with me.

He said:   The markets are really unstable,

                  we really need to be careful with money.

She said:  I feel so alone.

He said:   My assistant is on vacation and

                 I have twice as much work to do.

She said:  I need you to be more present.

He said:   Are you finished? 

                 We need to go.

She said:  Did you hear anything I have said?

He said:   I'll get your coat.

She said:  Thank you.


Life can be lonely when we are not clearly present in the life of others.  We can be isolated even when surrounded by others if no one is listening.  We need to find our voice and speak up. 

For a listener to truly hear what you have to say, touch
his or her arm and maintain eye contact.  Be assertive, not aggressive.  Articulate the silence trapped within.  We have the right to speak our truth even if the listener doesn't agree.  We must use our voice!

Even if what we have to say is not important to others, it is important to us and deserves to be said out loud.  We need to learn to be good listeners our selves, as communication is the key to peaceful living.

Balancing Relationships

Reconciliation is to understand both sides;

to go to one side

and describe the suffering being endured

by the other side,

and then go to the other side,

and describe the suffering

being endured by the first side.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Vietamese Monk and Writer

(1926 ~     )

There is a story about three blinfolded men and an elephant.  Each man is positioned at a different side of the elephant and then asked to describe the animal before them. 

The first blindfolded man is standing at the tail.  He describes the animal as being a large rodent, based on holding the elephants tail.  The second blindfolded man is positioned at the side of the elephant.  He declares the animal to be a huge round ball not having a head nor tail.  He has come to this conclusion by spreading his arms far and wide.  The last blindfolded man is holding the trunk of the elephant in his hands.  He reports his findings as some sort of large snake.  This story is an excellent example of personal perceptions.

There is also the saying of 'walking a mile in another man's shoes.'  Even if we walked in another man's shoes, our experience may be entirely different.  We would have our own perceptions.

From this stand point, how would we ever balance differences in relationships?  If we can never really feel what another person is experiencing, how can we truly find resolution to balance the scales?

The answer, I believe, resides in understanding differences with an open heart.   I am certainly not suggesting lowering standards, tolerating violence of any kind, nor condoning extreme behaviors, but to simply cognitize differing opinions.  If we do not understand, we grow farther from each other.  Through understanding, we can be brought together creating balance.  We can agree to disagree.

When I do not feel emotionally safe, I usually withdraw protecting myself when stepping forward might be the better choice.  Exploring the other persons behavior and responding might be better than simply reacting in an inappropriate way.  By understanding the other person's motivation, it is easier to navigate justice for both parties.

Too many times we feel the need to win rather than to balance.  If we are sincerely interested in advancing any relationship, the intention needs to be considerate of both sides desires. 

Compromise is a wonderful tool for resolution.  It allows both sides to feel respected and expidiates balance.  It tends to take away the sense of competition. 

Whether we are finding discord in our personal or professional lives, remember that perception is in the eye of the beholder.  To open our hearts with compassion and to try to catch a glimpse of another possible interpretation, we are much more apt to find compromise which results in balancing the scales.

Loving in the Moment

To Cherish Your Beloved

When we know that the person we love is impermanent, we will cherish our beloved all the more.  Impermanence teaches us to respect and value every moment and all the precious things around us and inside of us.  When we practice mindfulness of impermanence, we become fresher and more loving.

Thich Nhat Hanh
YOUR TRUE HOME


It is not easy to love all of the time, especially those who are closest to us.  Somehow it is easier to find fault with the ones we love the most, and that is just not right.

When I am with my grandchildren, I find myself to be far more lenient than when I was raising my own kids.  While visiting, I find myself fully present in the moment.  I listen carefully to what they say, try to respond with good comments, and really try to reflect the love I feel for them.

Unfortunately, in many of our most important relationships, we drop the ball.  We seem to develop the attitude that 'they' will understand ... over and over again.  We perhaps say unfiltered things to them that we would never dare say to a stranger or close friend.  This makes no sense to me, and yet it is sadly true. 

There are many old sayings:  "Don't cry over spilt milk!  Don't go to bed angry!  Don't let these be the last words you speak."  Far too many times I have heard people crying over the death of a loved one while saying, "The last words I said to him were awful and I never kissed him good-bye!"

The point is not to tolerate misbehavior nor withhold disappointment, but to use appropriate words for a loved one.  We can make our point just as easily using a calm and loving voice rather than shouting with anger.  Even when we have unfinished business, we can still temper it with love.  Instead of a cold shoulder, we could be mindful of how much we do love this individual, and give them a hug saying, "I really need to think this over."    This keeps the door to communication open and we are not adding to the already long list of complaints.

Thich Nhat Hanh suggests by staying in the moment, remembering that we are all impermanent, we will cherish our loved ones more.  So it becomes important to treat each other with loving respect, letting the minor offenses fall, as we keep our hearts and minds open.  It becomes most important that our loved ones are continuously told how much they are loved.

"Oh, they know how much I love them," is what many folks say, but people want to hear the loving words and not assume.
In remembering impermanence, we learn to reframe what we say:  "I love you dearly, but I do not like your behavior.  I cannot imagine my life without you, but I cannot agree to these decisions."  So there is a balance to what we say, and it is said calmly with love.  It is honest communication that aligns us.

In each present moment, I will try to be mindful of my own impermanence.  I will endeavor to cherish the good in every one and all things hopefully becoming fresher and more loving.

Are You Sure ... Thich Nhat Hanh

YOUR TRUE HOME by Thich Nhat Hanh


Are You Sure:

All of us are only human, and we have wrong perceptions every day.  Our spouse or partner is also subject to wrong perceptions, so we must help each other to see more clearly and more deeply.  We should not trust our perceptions too much -  that is something the Buddha taught.  "Are you sure of your perceptions?" he asked us.  I urge you to write this phrase down on a card and put it up on the wall of your room:  "Are you sure of your perceptions?"

There is a river of perceptions in you.  You should sit down on the bank of this river and contemplate your perceptions.  Most of our perceptions, the Buddha said, are false.  Are you sure of your perceptions?  This question is addressed to you.  It is a bell of mindfulness.

...................

Daily, we make assumptions about people, places and things.  We interpret  our thoughts as though they were 100% truth.  What we think impacts our behaviors and interactions with others.  


Quite honestly, there are times when we would be better off just saying, "I don't know."  Although it may sound rigidly religious, we can be more mindful about letting judgment remain in the realm of divinity.  I don't want to judge others primarily because I don't want others to judge me.  I would rather face judgment of the heavenly who can see the entire picture or know the entire story.


We never really know the entire truth, so rather than stressing over who to believe, let it go and devote your time to praying in what ever form that takes for the people involved.  This helps everyone from a higher level instead of passing personal judgment.


Years ago, a college friend called from out of town to tell me he had just purchased a rather large business where I was then living.  He was very excited.  When he arrived in town, we met for a drink bringing our college year books and catching up on activities of our friends over the past years.  This man was very handsome and personable.  He had an infectious laugh and a very kind heart.  I knew him to be fair and trustworthy.  He was still single and I was already contemplating the available women he might find interesting. 


During the following month, news articles, billboards and advertisements reflected his purchase of this local business.  As word began to circulate in the small community, I was happy to tell others about him.  As the weeks passed, I began to hear some very negative remarks about my friend.  I heard that he was dishonest, untrustworthy and he would not be welcome in our town.


I was able to track down where the rumor had started.  His largest competitor admitted he took it upon himself to be quite creative about my friend's work history.  By twisting the facts with a negative spin the competition was dead before it even had time to take root.  The accuracy of the town talk didn't matter and everyone easily believed what was not true.  My friend was doomed prior to arrival.


Perceptions.  We all have perceptions, but we do not always have all of the facts.  In certain situations, no matter what we think or who we research, it will be impossible to know the absolute truth.  Before our perceptions slide into judgment, slip into prayer for all peoples involved as they all will be suffering.  If we truly are operating with an open heart, we offer forgiveness, compassion, and a willingness to reserve all judgment.


The end of the story:  My friend indeed did come to town aware of the vicious rumors being spread by his competitor.  He conducted business with his high standards and soon his business grew.  People got to know him and like him, but they never 'let him in'.  He was always just on the edge as the old perceptions were still lodged   in the minds of others.  The community never really embraced him completely.  His competitor of course continued the slander.  Eventually, my friend married for the first time and decided to begin his family in a new location where they could truly call it home.  


Perceptions.  We really need to ask ourselves, "Is this true, absolutely proof positive true?"  And even if it is true, we have no need to judge, or enter into an arena where we have no business being.  Even if we have a personal interest, we need not be self appointed juries.  I am not encouraging any one  to accept or embrace negative behaviors, but rather to use your emotions in a positive way hoping to bring healing
to all involved.

Step

Every breath we take,

every step we make,

can be filled with

peace, joy, and serenity.

We need only to be awake,

alive in the moment.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Every morning, as our eyes slowly open and bring us back into daily living, we can take our first regulated deep breaths of the day.  Breathe in with anticipation what goodness you may find hidden in the midst of a busy schedule and breathe out anxiety and stress.

There is material everywhere about living in the moment.  This concept can be found in self-help books, meditations, centering prayers, yoga, energy work, and ancient scripts.  It is the process of slowing ourselves down, pulling in our energy from thoughts tied to the past or reigning in the anxieties from our unknown future.   Breathe and enjoy the beauty in the now.  Restore yourself in this very moment and create an awareness of being in the present all day long.  When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe which will center you.

Unlike other practices, simple breath work does not require lengthy steps.  In the present moment, you just breathe ... breathe in peace, joy and serenity ... exhale stress and anxiety.  One step.  One moment that will restore your peace of mind.  This moment, it is all you have. 

Magical Moments

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle.  But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth.  Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize:  a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child - our own two eyes.  All is a miracle.  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

A long time ago, I was studying body language.  In one book there was an interesting, but simple revelation.  If you noticed a person walking sluggishly with his head hanging down, he was more than likely feeling the weight of the world and not in an emotionally stable place.  If you noticed a person walking carefully with eyes straight a head without wavering, he was probably rigid and carefully trying not to upset the pattern of life.  Lastly, if you noticed a person looking up into the sky and observing everything around him (people, nature, animals) and seemed to have a bounce to his step, he was probably connected with all of life.

This is no great revelation and yet it is profound.  Over the years, it has kept me mindful to take in all that surrounds me.  There are miracles everywhere if we just slow down and observe.  Developing this as a constant practice, I tend to find magical moments popping up out of nowhere!