Simmer Until Boiled Dry ...

Where there is anger,

there is always pain underneath. 

Eckhart Tolle

There have been several times I have noticed the exchanges between couples prompting me to  question the balance of power in relationships.  I hope to recapture these moments to display what I mean.

    A  woman in her early sixties was standing at a check out counter of a small shop.  The husband entered (they were wearing wedding bands) and in a loud harsh voice says, "You are not buying that are you?  You'll never wear it.  You don't need it." The few customers in the store turned to the bullish man as quiet loomed in the shop.  The shop keeper sympathetically looked into the woman's eyes and asked, "How about if I take 20% off the price?"  The husband in a degrading voice looked at the wife saying, "You aren't seriously going to buy that are you?"  The customers in the shop seemed to gather closer.  The wife took a deep breath and asked the shop keeper to please wrap it up.  The husband stormed out of the shop.


     A woman sipping her drink leaned forward and lovingly said to her companion, "Are you going to keep me forever?"  The man was hesitant creating a slight pause before he responded, "Well, forever is an awfully long time."    The earlier look of love quickly turned to embarrassment.

     A woman asked a man, "Which way do you want to go?"  Curtly,  the man replied, "How about you go that way and I'll go this way.  We can meet back at the house."  The smile fell from the woman's face while the man attempted to convince her he had been only teasing.

    The sidewalks were cramped with people moving ever so slowly.  An attractive woman was bumped off the curb and a man behind her was quick to grab her arm.  "Are you okay honey?" he asked.   She jerked her arm away from him obviously angry.  She loudly yelled at him, "You do not need to take care of me.  I can take care of my self.  I don't need you at all." 

    The attractive couple shared a bottle of wine.  He was physically fit and graying around the temples of his well structured face.  She was an attractive blond with long legs stretching under the table for two, reaching out to his.  Her smiling eyes never left his face.  She encouraged him to talk and they shared laughter throughout their dinner.  There seemed to be an intimacy between them.  Then he said, "Before my wife died ... "  She responded  immediately in body language.  She pulled her tanned legs back under her chair.  She broke her loving gaze from his face and looked away.  Pretending to let a huge yawn escape from her mouth, she quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks.  As she leaned back in her chair, she crossed her arms as if they would protect her. She yawned again in attempt to fill the newly created silence between them.  He appeared to be lost in his thoughts while she seemed to notice us for the first time at the neighboring table.  "Lovely evening isn't it," she bravely said in our direction.  We politely replied as the man left to pay the bill.  She seemed to wander off the porch of Bagatelle's Restaurant out into the night.

These are all examples of anger with pain under the surface.  If we choose to ignore  anger and let  emotional pain simmer until we are emotionally boiled dry, what then?  How long does one endure degrading remarks in public, humiliation in front of others, or damaging personal insults passed off as teasing or joking.  This behavior is not exclusive to age or gender.  The basic issue is respect and honor towards our selves and  others.  It is also about appropriate communication and speaking out about inner feelings.  Unfortunately, when we exercise this kind of behavior, it can spill  over into other relationships both social and professional.

It is discouraging to observe and/or experience these types of situations.  They reflect the masks we choose to wear when we are not authentically present in the moment and not aligned with our precious selves.  They are reminders to us all to be more direct and honest so we won't boil dry.