To Look Deeply

To know someone deeply

is like hearing the moon through the ocean ...

Mark Nepo

THE BOOK OF AWAKENING    

Relationships are the teachers of many lessons.  If we do not exchange experiences with others, we curtail our lessons and personal progress.  Friendships can bring heart break and disappointments, but they can also offer a safe haven.  We will never know unless we try.

There is nothing as comforting as looking into the eyes of another and realizing they have had the same experience.  Sometimes friends simply understand us so well that they relate to our struggle even though they have not experienced it themselves.  Our friends really do not have to have the perfect response or the best solution.  Just by being present with us and witnessing our challenge can be all we need at the moment.

We may feel we are the only ones experiencing such a challenge, but in reality, we all have challenges.  They might look differently, but they serve the same purpose.  So those who have gone before us, who have struggled up life's mountain and are successfully standing at the top, can encourage us and cheer us on;  however, we still must carve our own authentic path. 

Being understood  can be the best remedy for any situation.  To look deeply into some one's eyes and find acceptance and compassion can make all of the difference.  Words of encouragement and honest reflection help us to see the depth in other people's eyes.  We will only know this if we dare to open our hearts. 

Apply the Information Wisely

Aim with your heart,

steer with your mind,

and know that it always works.

THE UNIVERSE

www.tut.com



There is a quote about God breaking our heart open again and again until we leave it open permanently.  At first read, I thought this was kind of harsh, but I have since learned navigation skills with matters concerning the heart.  Our focus ought not be on layers of protection, but on regulating our emotions.  We have no control over others, but we have absolute control of how we react to any given situation.

While exploring an old journal, I came across a relationship I had with someone.  During the first week of writing about this relationship, I was expressing red flags and reasons why I ought not invest more time and energy.  The weeks turned into months and at long last, there was a summary of why this relationship was not working that matched the previous writing in week one. 

We are expected to have a huge heart, but not to tolerate situations making us feel uncomfortable. It is ok to say, "No thank you," right at the beginning rather than getting all tangled up in emotional drama ending with intense hurt feelings.  Most often, our first response is right on target.  We somehow have the misguided thought of looking at a person in front of us and thinking, "hmmm...how can I make this relationship work?"  It really isn't about judgement, but it is about compatibility.  It is not our responsibility to teach another person how to best fit with us.  Nor is right for a person to desperately change his or her nature in an attempt to blend in with someone else.  We have the right to be our selves as long as we hurt no one. 

We can leave our heart open to others, but use our minds to explore directions.  We have no obligation to 'fix' any one else or to settle to make a relationship 'work'.  We must be certain of what we personally desire and remain present in each moment.  A healthy relationship provides comfort, respect, and love both ways.  It is in the giving and the receiving we will be nurtured and establish healthy boundaries and lasting bonds.

So unchain the heart.  Remove the barricades and layers of protection.  Dare to be vulnerable and realize our safety is within our wise decision making.  We always know the right answer, we just do not always apply the information wisely!

Emotional Boundaries

Boundaries bring order to our lives.  As we learn to strengthen our boundaries, we gain a clearer sense of ourselves and our relationship to others.  ~Anne Katherine


The invisible boundary around each of us is called a comfort zone and it is flexible.  We extend and extract our boundary depending upon how we emotionally respond to another person.  If we feel safe, we will embrace the person, allowing them to step closely to us.  If we feel insecure or threatened by a person, we will stretch our boundary farther out, to keep our distance. 

Emotional boundaries are defined by ideas, feelings, values, wishes, and perspectives that are uniquely our own beginning to form in infancy.  We become empowered by having healthy boundaries that protect us.

By respecting our own boundaries we give ourselves permission to say yes or no.  When our boundaries are not respected, we are placed in a position to experience judgment, pressure to conform, or any kind of abuse ... emotional, sexual or physical. 

The worst thing we can do to ourselves is to say "yes" when we really mean "no".  It misleads others, but worse yet, we suffer the consequences of not honoring our true nature.  We do not always speak our truth preserving our boundaries out of fear of rejection or from feeling unworthy.

In her book,  BOUNDARIES, Where You End and I Begin,
Anne Katherine explores how to strengthen our personal boundaries and what we can do when they are being violated.
By respecting and honoring our authentic set of boundaries, we will develop healthier relationships and a greater sense of self. 

No Trespassing ...

Unasked advice is a trespass

on sacred privacy.

Author Unknown

Years ago, I had a friend who was a career focused single mother.  She would rush home from a full day of high stressed work and into the demands of self-imposed elevated parenting expectations.  In order to allow her self some personal space as she transitioned from her professional life into her personal arena, she would enter the home through the garage door grabbing a base ball hat for her head.  The family knew that no one could ask or demand anything from their mother until she removed the base ball hat.  Amazingly, it worked.

We all lead very busy lives, usually trying to meet the demands of both work and family.  Even in retirement we are often called to be care givers to our extended family members.  It is difficult to say no to requests when we are just trying to preserve some personal breathing space. 

Perhaps we all need post-a-notes or stickers stating "No Trespassing".  We could apply them either to our private journals or our hats.  It would be a physical warning for others to respect our personal space.  For those who are creative, they could embroider or paint little signs to hang on the door knobs to the rooms considered sacred space. 

In our fast paced society, we all need a time out. Unfortunately, as adults, we don't have elders sending us to our rooms or to sit quietly in a corner reading a book.  Sometimes our alone time is when we fall exhausted into bed long after our bedtime. 

We are really talking about healthy boundaries. We cannot fault others when we fail to protect our time and space.  By setting an example, our children or grandchildren will learn the importance to give self permission to be nurtured or alone.  If we develop a strong sense of self, we will not only establish 'No Trespassing' in our personal arena, but in our
professional or social lives as well.