Discarding the Mask

"A mean word or a snide remark,
a disdainful or disapproving facial expression,
aggressive body language -
these are all ways that we can cause harm."

Pema Chodron

We believe we are masters of disguise.  We silently slip behind a false mask within seconds, hoping to hide our disappointment, anger or fear.  This is rarely successful.  An observer will  sense a shift in energy, or notice a slight physical movement, or be aware of an unidentifiable change.  

We are fooling ourselves into thinking we are masters of disguise.  We downplay our emotions and repress our pain, but in spite of our efforts, the truth seeps out.  The bystander may not be able to decipher what is triggering a certain response, but there is a tick, expression, or action that gives us away.  Something is wrong.

The unfortunate part is the person observing falsely assumes they are the reason for the discomfort.  We willingly assume we have done something wrong to cause this reaction.  Psychologically, we want to own the problem as therefore we think we can fix it.  This too is false, but family, co-workers,  and friends, struggle with the harm misplaced emotions cause.

The rude woman in line, the unproductive worker, the sassy teenager all strike out because they are internally wrestling with a problem that has nothing to do with us.  Our immediate personalization of the situation is inaccurate.  It is not about us, it is about them.

What occurs in a personal life gets carried into the professional life.  Disgruntled workers of all levels, carry frustration back into the private life.  While being present in someone's life, we may be misled by reaction or lack of reaction.  Instead of thinking, "What did I do wrong," we need to wonder, "What is happening in this person's life?"  

In the world around us, both personally and professionally, we will become aware of people believing they are masters of disguise.  The very best response is compassion and not interrogation.  "Seems like you are having a bad day," is enough to make the person aware they are misplacing anger.  "Please, go ahead of me, I am not in a hurry," extends respect lacking in the other person's life.  In this way, we are embracing the challenged person with recognition rather than becoming emotionally engaged.  The problem is not ours, and we have no need to own it.  By responding with kindness, we may initiate the discarding of the mask.