One Small Place

           

"What was done in the past is done

and it is over now.

This is the present time,

and you now have the opportunity to treat yourself

the way you wish to be treated."

Louise L. Hay

YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE  

Today is a new day and we can choose to begin our life anew.  It is one thing for others to treat us poorly, but to treat our selves poorly is totally unacceptable.  If we treat our selves without respect why should any one else address us respectfully?  If we do not honor our personal code, why should any one else? 

Boundaries and limitations for our selves as well as for others need to be clarified.  I believe there may be a book entitled "Where You Stop and Where I Begin."    In order to know our own limitations, we must pay attention to our body, mind and spirit.  We need to know who makes us feel good and who sucks our energy right out of us.  We need to be mindful of how much we can physically do before we are exhausted.  We need to know these things prior to navigating out in our world. 

If we feel as though we have no life of our own, then we need to push our boundaries further out  allowing our selves more space and limiting time with others.  We can be more mindful about using our voice so others know when enough is enough.  When we are ready for more participation in our lives, then we can pull our boundaries closer in, allowing others to approach.  Boundaries and limitations need to be flexible so they can be adjusted for different situations. 

Our desires must be formulated and retained crystal clear and to do so, one must spend time alone to truly discover what is in their heart.  We can take an active part in our life, working with the Divine attracting like energy to our selves.  If we just sit back and wait for our desires to come to our door step, we will receive random deliveries hardly appropriate ... junk mail.  If we care about who and what or where we welcome people and activities into our personal lives, we need to be specific in our intentions. 

If we know our likes and dislikes, we can spend our time earnestly nurturing our selves.  If we are longing for someone to bring us flowers, go to the store and purchase our own flowers.  If we are yearning to eat at a new Thai restaurant, invite a friend and go.  It is false thinking when we depend upon someone else to provide our pleasures. 

Every day is a new day.  Every day we have the 'choice' to begin again.  No matter how miserable we find our lives to be, there is one small place ... if we look for it ... where we are welcomed to begin again.

Best Friend

“I want to love you without clutching,

appreciate you without judging,

join you without invading,

 invite you without demanding,

leave you without guilt,

criticize you without blaming,

and help you without insulting.

If I can have the same from you,

then we can truly meet and enrich each other.”

Virginia Satir 

Relationships are sometimes considered to be the most challenging lessons in life, and also the most rewarding.  We learn through our relationships and all such unions require attention, respect, and honesty.  For whatever reason, we expect partnerships to be easy.  So easy we are tempted to veer from appreciation and gratitude for the gift it brings.

While attending a workshop, the audience was asked to list all of the good qualities a friend needed to have in order to be a favorite.  I remember having no trouble whatsoever with this list.  Qualities and characteristics flew out of my brain and straight out of my pen.  The list grew longer and longer as I wrote just as fast I could.  "Time is up," the instructor announced.  I gazed through my mighty list, proud of my expectations.

The instructor then asked us to neatly fold the paper, and so we did.  Then she told us to hand deliver this masterpiece to our very selves, taking note of our reaction.  I unfolded my paper and immediately thought, "No way," as I pondered the lengthy list.  I was overwhelmed by my righteous expectations.  I then began to consider what I would be willing to give in return.  This too surprised me as my reaction was quite miserly. 

Our matches may have been made in heaven, but I wonder if we were programed with additional resilience, determination, and endless patience.  I would guess not.  No matter how good a relationship may be, there is always room for improvement.  The bottom line, I believe,  is the ability and the degree to which a person can trust. 

Loving a person isn't enough unless we are able to do all of what Virginia Satir suggests.  We will easily become undermined if we love, but do not experience a balance of give and take.  Once resentment grows and we do not use our voice, our feelings are repressed coiling into anger.  If we do not face our anxiety our dreams can turn into nightmares.  Unfortunately, what we repress is not forgotten by the body.  The emotions we hold inside begin to cause our body to be 'dis-eased'.  When we are struggling both mentally and physically, our spirit easily becomes broken.

The most important relationship is the one we have with our very own selves.  So when we read once again the above writing of Virginia Satir and apply it to the relationship we have with our self, how do we fare?  Do we honor our selves as respectfully as we honor others?  Will our personal actions enhance us or harm us?  We must be our own best friend.

A Simple Concept



Loving someone does not mean automatically acquiescing to their every whim.

Sometimes love shows itself in saying no to an attitude or desire that is harmful. But your opposing must be done tenderly, without anger or condescension. This is a difficult art.

 Eknath Easwaran's
Thought for the Day

In my early thirties, I read a concept changing my out look for the rest of my life.  The concept was simple and I was amazed I had never considered it before.  The simple concept was this: 

Yes and No are of equal value.

Yes is not greater than No.

Both reflect a choice.

Both are to be equally respected.

I am not certain where I had learned or more pointedly been taught that 'yes' was always the right answer, while 'no' was deviating from being a 'good' girl.  It was obvious to me that by replying yes, it made others happy, but saying no attracted the evil eye.  I felt badly when I said no, like I was disappointing someone.  When I was somewhat forced to say yes, I was disappointing my self which apparently didn't matter.  I felt guilty and sometimes ashamed for saying no.  The word yes seemed to be laced with being polite, socially appropriate, and more acceptable in relationships. Needless to say, this contributed to having unhealthy boundaries and limitations on my free will.

I cannot remember exactly when the word no was eradicated from my vocabulary, but I believe it was around the time I started screaming resistance in my mind.  Like a trick pony, I learned how to behave and was so successful I was led out into the performance ring to be paraded around.  Even the applause could not deaden the screaming inside of me. 

Once I digested the concept of yes and no being equal, I began to respect my own boundaries.  Observing the shocked reaction of others to my virgin replies of no, I felt the rewards of finally speaking my truth.  The fears of rejection, punishment, and abandonment were no longer greater than the sense of losing my self.  At the age of thirty, I began peeling back layers of falsehoods defining who I supposedly was to the outside world.  I began the long process of becoming who I had been all along on the inside. 

Yes and no can be very powerful words.

Both no and yes can be spoken quite courteously.

Honoring the self creates healthy boundaries.

Being in alignment with heart's desires charts our course.

Answering When We are Called

 

"Love only grows by sharing.  You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others." 

 
―   Brian Tracy

 

 

There is a lot to be said for defining boundaries and clarifying limitations when in relationship.  It is only when these two things are addressed that giving will not exhaust us.  It is the gift of giving when it is reciprocated back to us.  This is not to say that reciprocation will come immediately nor will it necessarily be returned by the same person.  Frequently, our random acts of kindness are returned to us in quite a different way and at a different time.

 

Some of us will say we glory in the feeling of joy once we extend our selves or resources to some  one else.  The joy of giving in unmistakable, but even though our intention was never to receive in turn, goodness shall be returned. 

 

We do not extend love in order to be loved in return, as life will repeatedly show us this isn't how relationships work.  We give out of love and our love for our selves swells by our kind actions.  When we are filled with love for our selves (I am not talking about ego here) we will attract love back to us.  The joy of giving creates love for all involved. 

 

We extend our selves without an intention for an outcome.  We give freely in spite of what will unfold.  We do our part and leave the rest.  We answer when we are called without any agenda.

My favorite example of this is the the story of two men walking down the street passing a disheveled homeless woman begging for money.  The one man looked the other way while the second man immediately extended cash to the "down on her luck" woman.  

 

The first man asks if the second man is crazy.  "Do  you really think she is going to go buy milk or food with that money," the first man asks.  The second man smiles at the first man and explains that his obligation is to respond to the needs of others and then it ends there.  Whatever the woman does with the money is up to her.     He does not have an agenda or intentions for a specific outcome.  He is simply answering the call.  Too often, we relinquish our part by judging the other.

 

Today is my significant other's birthday.  In my eyes, he is this second man.  Although prudent, he frequently will immediately respond to a call once received.  He is willingly to accept the responsibility of helping another without a return.  He will never mention his good deed again as he just takes it in stride.  He does not worry, get overly involved, or further engage.  He simply does what he is nudged to do.

 

I celebrate his birth and his presence in my life.  He is my teacher and infrequently my student.  We are dramatically different, but our hearts are coupled, giving and receiving as our love grows.

 

 

 

Paddling As Fast As We Can

   "paddling as fast as we can ..."

A friend of mine had been dealing with several stresses in her life, and I was concerned about her.  We agreed to meet for coffee and as I expected, my dear friend looked exhausted. 

I quietly listened as she shared her challenges with me and my respect for her grew greatly.  She had taken on measures above and beyond what had been called for making only one response, " I am so glad that I am in a position to help!"

I praised her efforts and supported her the best I could, but I also cautioned her about taking care of her self, finding balance so she wouldn't come undone.  She laughed and shared a conversation she had with her husband about how she looked like a duck calmly gliding across the water when in reality her feet were paddling 90 miles per hour.  It was such a great visual, we both found our selves laughing heartily.  Laughter is good for the soul!

This image of a calm gliding duck with bionic feet stayed with me throughout the day.  So many times when crisis hits, we go into some kind of automatic drive, taking charge, surging to the rescue as everyone else sighs in relief that control has been taken.  Unknown to them, under the surface, we are paddling  as fast as we can!  I believe it is referred to as an adrenaline rush.

It is admirable to help others, but not at the risk of our own health.  There is a fine line between helping and enabling.  It is not helpful to be invasive nor is it good to allow others to take advantage.  If we feel used, we need to step back and use our voice.  If we need to restore, we need to invite others to assist in our absence.  We must be able to recognize what is best for our selves, not just the people we help.

I was very impressed to learn that my most thoughtful friend had arrived on the scene, determined what she was willing to do and where she would draw the line.  Her intentions were clear, and she is now tending to her own needs.  I am proud of her!  Her little duck feet are on solid ground in slow motion.  In time her resilience will return! We do not always have the strength to keep healthy boundaries nor recognize our own limitations.

Permission

Work when there is work to do.

Rest when you are tired.

One thing done in peace

will most likely be better

than ten things done in panic ...

I am not a hero if I deny rest;

I am only tired.

Susan McHenry

Self-care is like preventive medicine and yet we sometimes feel as though nurturing our self  is being selfish.  Our culture suggests utilizing every minute to be profitable while all else is wasteful, lazy or a poor investment.  Parents, mentors and student guidance counselors frequently encourage students to stay away from pursuing a music or writing career or indulging in the arts as it would never support  a person financially.  An although there is truth to the struggles of the artistic world, what of the struggles of the creative spirit stifled behind a computer all day?  What of the dreams, self-respect, and honoring of personal gifts and talents?  

Ingrained into our thinking is the concept  to remain profitably busy.  We feel somewhat selfish if we are not productive.  If we cannot be held accountable for a productive day we may feel anxious or guilty.  Lives become focused on "doing" rather than "being" and our identity becomes linked to what is outside of our selves  rather than who we truly are on the inside.

When we are 'comfortable in our own skin,' we bring our true nature into whatever it is we choose to do.   Then whatever it is we do, reflects who we are on the inside.  We will have the sense of being integrated or whole, perfectly capable of granting our selves rest.

New York City

Cut off as I am, it is inevitable that I should sometimes feel like a shadow walking in a shadowy world.  When this happens I ask to be taken to New York City.  Always I return home weary but I have the comforting certainty that mankind is real flesh and I myself am not a dream.

Helen Keller
MIDSTREAM: My Later Life


Recently, I went to New York City with my daughter.  She had a conference to attend and she invited me to travel with her adding a few days to the trip for exploration.  I have been to New York City twice before, but spending time with my daughter holds great meaning for me.

New York City was much cleaner than I remembered it to be.  We were delighted that the temperatures were not in the high 90's or 100's as we did vast amounts of walking.  We spent a great deal of time in Central Park, visiting different areas and resting by the water.  We scoured Greenwich Village and enjoyed a lovely lunch at an outdoor cafe.  We went by St Patrick's Cathedral which like many buildings was being worked on. We browsed down 5th Avenue, shopped our way down busy streets and snapped a few photos of Times Square.  Then of course we went into Grand Central Station. The highlight was going to the theater to see WICKED.  It was awesome!  (Russ had generously provided us with wonderful seats in support of our adventure!)

This being said, I must admit that I am not a New York City person.  Although I grew up in Chicago, my patience with the New York abrasive energy, the constant overture of honking horns, screaching brakes, and yelling drivers wore me down.  Even in the room of the elegant old hotel, the air conditioner sounded like a roaring jet engine. 

Even though I found New York City dwellers to be friendlier than expected, the constant rush of people, the force of constantly being herded along in massive groups, and being confined by tall buildings caused me to long for the solitude of my midwestern home.  I sadly missed beautiful flowers growing out of the ground, the rustle of trees in the breeze, and  birds other than city pigeons. 

New York City will not be noticing my future absence.  It holds allure for many, but it will be falling to the bottom of my list. 

When it happens to you ...

Privacy is not something

that I'm merely entitled to,

it's an absolute prerequisite.

Marlon Brando

There has been a computer in my home since 1997 and I am very pleased to say it has never been hacked into or attacked by any virus that could not be removed with a proper download.

I must admit there have been times when I have chuckled to my self when I have received an e-mail from a close friend telling me she is in London, her purse has been stolen, and please send money.  There have been several of this kind floating around, but not effecting me in any particular way. 

I greeted this lovely morning as I normally do.  With coffee cup in hand, I check my blog and then my e-mails.  My inbox was cluttered with numerous 'failure to deliver' messages.  There were three e-mails from good friends inquiring about how to open a certain link I had supposedly sent ... groan! I had not sent any such link nor had I even seen it.  With embarrassment, I went through my rather lengthy contact list sending a blanket e-mail about receiving SPAM from me.  I really felt very badly.  Besides, it wasn't even a very exciting message like I was in Italy!  Some just had a strange link, others about foreclosure and some about coconut oil.  My account reflects the hacking occurred at 3:34 am from Japan.

That being said and done, the question that niggles at my brain is how my e-mail contact list got compromised.  I don't know the extent of those contacted, but I wonder where it had been accessible.  I am always very careful to use 'bcc' so others cannot see each others addresses ... it is a privacy thing.  I don't randomly 'surf' the Internet which might inadvertently expose my privacy. 

This may have been funny when it happens to someone else, but when it happens to you, it is upsetting.  Invasion of privacy on any level is not acceptable.  It is necessary for each of us to respect not only our own boundaries, but the boundaries and limitations of others as well.