A Simple Concept



Loving someone does not mean automatically acquiescing to their every whim.

Sometimes love shows itself in saying no to an attitude or desire that is harmful. But your opposing must be done tenderly, without anger or condescension. This is a difficult art.

 Eknath Easwaran's
Thought for the Day

In my early thirties, I read a concept changing my out look for the rest of my life.  The concept was simple and I was amazed I had never considered it before.  The simple concept was this: 

Yes and No are of equal value.

Yes is not greater than No.

Both reflect a choice.

Both are to be equally respected.

I am not certain where I had learned or more pointedly been taught that 'yes' was always the right answer, while 'no' was deviating from being a 'good' girl.  It was obvious to me that by replying yes, it made others happy, but saying no attracted the evil eye.  I felt badly when I said no, like I was disappointing someone.  When I was somewhat forced to say yes, I was disappointing my self which apparently didn't matter.  I felt guilty and sometimes ashamed for saying no.  The word yes seemed to be laced with being polite, socially appropriate, and more acceptable in relationships. Needless to say, this contributed to having unhealthy boundaries and limitations on my free will.

I cannot remember exactly when the word no was eradicated from my vocabulary, but I believe it was around the time I started screaming resistance in my mind.  Like a trick pony, I learned how to behave and was so successful I was led out into the performance ring to be paraded around.  Even the applause could not deaden the screaming inside of me. 

Once I digested the concept of yes and no being equal, I began to respect my own boundaries.  Observing the shocked reaction of others to my virgin replies of no, I felt the rewards of finally speaking my truth.  The fears of rejection, punishment, and abandonment were no longer greater than the sense of losing my self.  At the age of thirty, I began peeling back layers of falsehoods defining who I supposedly was to the outside world.  I began the long process of becoming who I had been all along on the inside. 

Yes and no can be very powerful words.

Both no and yes can be spoken quite courteously.

Honoring the self creates healthy boundaries.

Being in alignment with heart's desires charts our course.

Worry, Fear, and Dream

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow,

it empties today of its strength.

Corrie ten Boom

Clippings from My Notebook

Several years ago, I was the Executive Director and Founder of a private counseling agency, OPEN DOORS.  The staff addressed a variety of issues with children and their family, and individual counseling as well. 

 

During this time, my primary focus was on enhancing the strengths of women.  I offered numerous presentations, small groups, and circles of women.  We discussed spiritual books, dreams, personal challenges, and ways to strengthen our spirit in order to better direct our lives.

 

While offering resources to women, I began to realize that worry and fear were predominant distractions from living a happier and fuller life.  Fear and worry used up too much of their energy, with very little remaining to make healthy choices or to self-nurture. 

 

Some where along the way, I came across the idea of placing fear and worry outside of the self.  Discussing this idea with other women, we decided to use a jar with slips of paper to record our worry or fear.  We would place the paper into the jar and leave it there for a weak.  You could have several jars or boxes, but one would do.

 

All week, whenever a person caught themselves worrying about something, they would immediately write it down and place it in the jar.  If fear was creeping in, the same procedure was followed.  By placing these illusions outside of our selves, we had more energy to deal with the day and build our strength.

 

At the end of the week, we would empty the jar, and take a few minutes to read each slip of paper.  The amazing realization was worries eventually worked themselves out and fears rarely came to pass.  It was obvious then how much time we allow worry and fear to rob us of our time and energy.    Women continued to use their jar until placing worry and fear outside of themselves developed into a healthy habit.

 

Some of the women decorated their jars or boxes and kept them in sacred places.  Others just kept an old Mason jar in their kitchen where it remained mindful.  This process of minimizing unnecessary emotions or thoughts gave us an awareness of how we all have choice.  Without worry or fear, we have better vision of how to make healthy decisions.  We had more energy to follow through and adequate time for self-nurturing.

 

This is a simple gesture appropriate for any age or gender.  It requires little effort, minimal tools, and amazing results.  This is a great idea to pass on to others as well.  Gift a jar to a worry-wort friend or a fearful child.  We can decorate it our selves or bring supplies for them to personalize it.  The best part is the end result, realizing what we worry or fear the most, generally doesn't come true at all.

 

 

Fog of Fear

          

 

 

The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.

 

C. JoyBell C.

 

 

 

Historically, the strength of men has been portrayed as a physical quality.   The strength of women has been viewed more as an emotional or mental quality.  We can look at a man and physically be aware of his strength, but woe is the one looking upon a smaller woman and not being aware of her endless strength.

 

 

To be a strong female was a requirement in my life, even though my strength was often hidden.

I did not necessarily need for others to know of my strength, but it was vital for me to maintain this quality.  I have been overwhelmed, and challenged.  It is not in the falling down that strength is required.  It is needed for the standing back up.  The strength to move forward, once again, requires every ounce of strength within the body, mind, and spirit.

 

 

It becomes exhausting to be the strong one all of the time.  Some where along the line, the decision is made to stop protecting others and defending the self.   The longing to 'just be' becomes greater than the fear of being vulnerable.  By allowing the strength to become balanced, energy can be used in the discovery of self-identification. 

 

 

All of the concern once lavished on others can now be used to nurture personal unfolding.  While polishing off the old comments from others, we rediscover the gifts we have had all along.  We strive to become more creative with our life and as the Universe supports us, we care less and less about what others may be thinking or saying.  We develop a self-appreciation that has been long in coming.  We are amazed to finally feel a sense of worthiness, and to give our self permission to take up space in this world.

 

 

As we begin to live in each moment, we realize there is no need for a protective shield.  We have the strength to address challenges as they come and go, letting falseness pass right through us.  We no longer hold the illusion of life trying to harm us.  We create calm by embracing the richness that waits beyond the confusing fog of fear.