Vessel for Words

I was an accomplice

in my own

frustration.

Peter Shaffer

During the last few days, challenges frustrated me beyond my tolerance for impatience.  I am challenged by technology as I just want things to work without mastering the process!

What should have been an easy transition in changing my phone number from Tennessee back to Illinois became equivalent to applying for citizenship.  I cannot imagine how people come up with false identities when I can barely find acceptance of my own.

In the meantime, for whatever reason, I was unable to post on my blog.  I accept my limitations with technology and admit most errors are my own, but for thirty-six hours, I was unable to navigate the procedure of publishing on this blog.  Mind you, I have nearing 700 postings on this blog, most of which have been created daily within the last few years.  You would think I could remedy problems of this sort, but alas, I could not.

I had access to three computers and yet, I could not achieve my long standing goal.  I became so frustrated I was emotionally on tilt.  I wrote six different posts and each one magically disappeared.  I would foolishly grieve the loss, but with courage began once again with a new topic as if that would make a difference.

Desperate, I began a conversation with those who remain invisible toying with both my head and machines. 

"Is there something in particular I need to address?" 

Long pause with no response. 

"Do you find my subject matter offensive?"

Even longer pause without a nudge to indicate which direction I needed to go.

Then out of nowhere, one of the computers began to accept my random post and all was well in my strange little world!  I had

difficulty remembering what I had written and what I had not.  Which pictures had I deleted all for not? 

Being me, I question what lesson this challenge had brought so off to the deck with my journal and thoughts.  I happen to process well with the written word and of course that process of discovery and 'knowing' it was explained why I was so frustrated. 

I love to write.  I truly feel that I am a vessel for words.  It is in the silence my inspiration arrives and flows from my hands to your ears to hear as you read with your eyes.  I don't think there is anything special I may or may not express, but it remains my intention that some little word, phrase or story will awaken a part of your most inner self.  It would seem that I believe Divine Spirit can and will work through my words to open your heart and broaden perceptions of what you mean to the world.

Thorn on the Rose

But he who dares not grasp the thorn

Should never crave the rose.

Anne Bronte

Gathered with like minded friends, conversation turned to the ability to predict the future, to sense illness, or to commune with spirits.   We have all experienced times when we wished we knew what awaited us around the corner or what was causing our discomfort or what information a spirit might impart.  Ah, to have the ability to know what is unseen!

What we don't always consider, however, is the thorn on the rose.  Although it would be entertaining from time to time to tap into a source for answers, it is not so entertaining to be flooded with unwelcome information about others.  

Imagine, if you had the ability to 'see' or 'hear' or 'know' what others did not, a grave responsibility befalls you.  To experience the fears or depression another person carries is not so pleasant.  To be aware of an illness that is not yet diagnosed is a terrible burden.  The prick of the thorn may be stronger than the fragrance of the flower.

There are those who are truly gifted with abilities to see more deeply than others.  They must carry a protective aura around them, however, to ward off being overwhelmed by information.  In time, these individuals learn to block unwelcome information and are able to access it only upon will.  Integrity and responsibility balanced with detachment and discernment can be an on going challenge.

A rose is a lovely gift, fragrant and vibrant.   Although cherished by many, it is wise to be mindful of the prick of the thorn.

Leaving Nashville ...

We must be willing

to let go of the life

we planned

so as to have the life

that is waiting for us.

Johann von Goethe

My move to Nashville ten months ago was a forever move.  I began to create a new life for my self and although it was not what I had, Nashville offered many adventures and opportunities.  At times I became immobile by the process of the old dying away and the new being born.  The challenge or lesson often overwhelmed me.  Through perseverance, however, I made an extraordinaire spiritual transition accompanied by the loving support of my daughter (both emotional and physical), family I met along the way, and sisters of my heart.

I attended classes at The Estuary, Vanderbilt Center for Integrative Health, Scarritt~Bennett, Integrative Health Center, and Kundalini Yoga Center.  Following open hearted meditations daily, my spiritual life opened to forgiveness and healing.  Experiencing many insights into my own personal issues, my perception changed dramatically.  Compassion for my self and others flourished.

During my residence in Nashville, I experienced a synchronistic meeting with a woman who had been born in Peoria, Illinois, not far from where I had lived.  She

was a kindred spirit who introduced me to a Writer’s Group and a Book Club which met my basic needs of writing and reading.  I soon had my library card and

frequented the Nashville branch library.  My daughter brought me to parks,

festivals, art shows, and gatherings allowing me to feel settled in my new surroundings.  We frequented many restaurants that reminded me of growing up in Chicago with wonderful neighborhood eateries.  Ted’s is possibly my favorite restaurant with bison burgers accompanied (right around the building) by Scarlett Begonia my favorite shop offering free trade from Ecuador.   The Nashville Zoo, The Southern Book Festival, Shakespeare in the Park, Centennial Park, Crockett Park, Radnor Lake, all offered walks of contemplation and laughter.  One highlight for sure was watching my dear Joy’s sell out performance with John Paul as “Civil Wars” at the Ryman! 

Although cloistered much of the time, I found companionship in the writings of Alan Cohen and Mark Nepo to mention just a few.  Posting on my blog became my daily life line to the outside world.  It was a place to release my expanding and contracting journey with spiritual growth.   My dear spiritual sisters endeavored to SKYPE with me every week while others were with me in spirit offering love, light, and energy. 

After four months of exclusion, I revisited my past relationship back in Illinois discovering the dramatic change that occurred within his own life.  We began

to carefully reconsider what could be rekindled from our past nine year union.

Through a long series of couples counseling in Nashville and individual counseling, hope settled in.  I do not believe if I had not been experiencing open heart meditations, I would have been able to embrace the life which now opened before me.  Reconciliation can be successful only with the convergence of two hard working individuals willing to make changes for the betterment of self and of each other.

In a few weeks, I will transition back to my life in Springfield, Illinois.  Those of you who have remained close will understand how this has come to be.   I will always be indebted with a thankful heart for my daughter’s compassion and enduring love, as I leave one way of living for another.  Although I will frequent Nashville with ample visits, my heart will now stretch and grow back in the Midwest. 

I am letting go of what I had planned and find my self stepping into the life that is waiting for me. 

"Be willing to be a beginner every single morning,"

says Meister Eckhart.

And so I being again ...

I'd Like To Dance

Listening to your heart is not simple.

Finding out who you are is not simple.

It takes a lot of hard work

to get to know who you are

and what you want.

Sue Bender

The premature arrival of spring warms my face and heart.  For the first time in a long time, I feel my inner self awaken with stirrings of new growth.  I must have been frozen in time during the winter, and I believe the ice is beginning to thaw.

Heavy coats are no longer needed for protection and by taking off my hat, my ears are hearing much more clearly.  And without the bitter cold winter winds, my eyes have a much brighter perspective. 

The sweet sounds of spring are encouraging me to accept the challenge and to master the lesson so new seeds can be planted this spring.  My face embraces the sun and its warmth heals all that needs to be forgiven ... especially my own doings.

There is freedom when I cast my shoes aside and place my bare feet on the greening grass.  Joy pumps up through me, and quite honestly ... I'd like to dance.

Daring Greatly

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be
with those timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
26th President Of The United States

Find two pieces of identically clean paper. The first piece, place untouched in a safe and clean place.

  Take the other blank piece of paper and examine it,

looking at the sheer plainness

and unmarked beauty of the fiber. 

Notice the pristine texture of the sheet. 

Now fold the paper in half, gently. 

Turn the paper around and fold it again, carefully. 

Continue to fold the paper over and over,

creasing the folds heavily. 

Carry it in your back pocket or billfold. 

Shove it in a drawer or with a stash of other papers.
Then when you have almost forgotten about it, retrieve it.

Unfold the paper and notice the creases, discoloration,

and change in the texture. 

Look very closely at all of the wrinkles and changes. 

Now compare the other piece of paper

that had been kept 'safe' and 'clean'.

Which do you find more interesting and intriguing? 

Safe and pristine or weathered and worn?

Read the words of Theodore Roosevelt again.

Two Sides to the Coin

All expenditures,

whether from the heart or the wallet,

in the past or present, big or small,

can be viewed as either

"depleting" or "enriching."

Enriching works for me.

THE UNIVERSE

www.tut.com

all change is significant

change comes in many forms

change is experienced in the hands of many

change does not display singular faces

there are two sides to change

change does not have equal value

change can be found unexpectedly

change can be dirty or clean

change is valued as a child

change can be bothersome as an adult

what we put change into,

doesn't always produce the expected

"depleting" or "enriching"
obviously in the eye of the beholder!

ON FOOT I HAD TO WALK THROUGH THE SOLAR SYSTEMS by Edith Sodergran

ON FOOT I HAD TO WALK

THROUGH THE SOLAR SYSTEMS

Edith Sodergran

On foot

I had to walk through the solar systems,

before I found the first thread of my red dress.

Already, I sense myself.

Somewhere in space hangs my heart,

sparks fly from it, shaking the air,

to other reckless hearts.

~Translated by Stina Katchadourian

Surely every female has had a red dress.  There is something about a red dress that radiates confidence and a strong sense of self.  Then throw in a pair of killer heels and the right jewelry and "WHAM"! It is a night to remember.

My red chiffon dress was purchased for a military ball when I was a senior in high school.  My friend came over and applied make up to my face for the first time ever. (I don't think my parents were home to censor the extreme make over!) She brought a pair of her dressy heels for me to wear which weren't quite the right size, but they looked great.  

My date was prompt in picking me up and we safely arrived at the scene of the ball.  We walked up several flights of stairs to store our coats, and then each couple lined back down the stair case, waiting for their names to be announced while eager adults looked on.  

The couple in front of us seemed very nice.  As the young man's date turned back to say something to me, she lost her footing.  I leaned forward to steady her, as she pulled me forward ... I fell.  It wasn't pretty.

In the process of falling, my shoe fell off and my twisted ankle promptly doubled in size.  There was no way I could put the shoe back on.  I started to cry and being inexperienced with the make up world, smeared mascara and powder all over my face.  Everyone was staring at me and my poor date (who never talked to me or asked me out again) was totally humiliated.  He helped me limp down the stairs and dumped me in the first chair he could find. I didn't see him again until the dance was nearly over.  

And as this poem reflects I have had to journey a long way before I grasped the thread of my red dress and gathered a sense of me.  Ditching the fancy clothes and removing my mask as well, I felt my heart hanging free in space, sparking where other hearts didn't dare.  In the end, it was okay to be just me. 

"Fool me once ...

"Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me."

Old Proverb

Living my life with compassion, loving kindness, and an open heart is not always easy.  My down fall has always been seeing people at soul level, not as they really are in human form.  Illusions generally fall away, rendering a cost to my unsuspecting heart.

Forgiveness comes easily to me as I truly believe we are all doing the very best we can do at any given moment.  When faced with choice, we don't always make the best decisions.  Believing we are here for the human experience, of course we are going to face numerous challenges and we will not always be proud of them.

So with my open heart I forgive as I am very aware that beneath all actions resides a fellow spiritual being.  We learn through our conflicted decisions and I choose to see the forgivable/unforgivable situation as an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.  And by forgiving I do not mean condoning. 

So this is where I get stuck.  Processing brings me this far and then I falter.  First, I struggle with the genuine disappointment that the person chose not to do better. Secondly, although I have forgiven, the heaviness of my personal loss remains.  I ask myself what the lesson was for all involved, but primarily search for the application to myself.   And lastly, I find myself dwelling on the situation rather than simply letting it go.

I accept that our perspective is frequently limited leaving us incapable of seeing the big picture.  Only as time passes do we begin to truly view how all of the pieces fit together.  With a little distance, we can turn back and see how we ignored information that could have helped minimize the entire experience. 

It is easy to sit back and count the wrongs of others as it is a distraction from listing our own.  We may even find ourselves in denial saying, "Oh, but what they did was ten times worse."  Point being, we are not the ones to judge.  We must use all of our efforts to keep our own house in order.

All people carry love, energy and light within them.  There are different ways to utilize this power:

well wishes, blessings, prayer, energy work, or meditation to name a few.   Whatever method

we use to touch the hearts of others, we must be mindful to apply it to ourselves as well.  Restoring

our inner self with the love of God, Universal energy, and light of Christ/Buddha or simply the Divine will help us heal.  Letting go of what is heavy in our heart, enables us to make room for new, moving forward hopefully a little wiser. 

Food for Thought ...

We cannot hold a torch

to light another's path

without brightening

our own.

Mohammed

The grocery store was quite empty this morning as I went much earlier than usual.  I always go to the same store so I am familiar with some of the folks working there.

The young man unloading my shopping cart takes his job seriously and always has a great smile.  He seems to be joyful while helping others in any manner he can.

The gentleman checking out my groceries casually asks if I had a good Thanksgiving.  "Oh yes," I reply.  "Friends, great food, and beautiful weather all made for a wonderful day."  He tells me that he is married, has 3 adult children, and multiple grandchildren.  "Where does the time go?" he asks.  I assume that he is retired, working another job to generate more income or to stay busy. 

In the few minutes that follow, the three of us (the checker, the bagger, and myself) each share comments regarding time passing so quickly.  The checker says the bible tells us that both time and our life on earth is but a vapor.  The bagger says when he was younger, time passed so slowly.  My comments reflect the elasticity of time, expanding and contracting, but never feeling my age. 

Then the checker begins to speak of our lives here on earth, how we forget that our real destination is heaven.  The bagger mentions his father who passed away two years ago, and how he keeps his memory alive until he sees him face to face once more when he, too, passes.  I suddenly feel too emotional to speak.

There is a slight pause before I turn to leave the check out

aisle.  The three of us are looking each other in the eyes, saying nothing, but emotion is hanging in the air.  I feel loving kindness being emitted from both of them, so much so, tears begin to seep out of my eyes.

As I walk to my car, I continue to reflect on this strange grocery store encounter.  This unusual exchange seems like a wrinkle in time, leaving me with plenty of food for thought.

"Either you be or you don't be."

... unplugged ...

                 

To be or not to be

is not the question of compromise.

Either you be or

you don't be.

Golda Meir

Mercury in retrograde, end of Mayan calendar, global warming, and religious warnings are just a few areas of current concern.  We must be cognisant of the many shifts going on around us, but do we really need to be fear based?  Seriously, there is so much information being misunderstood, misinterpreted, and misrepresented, the negativity can be overwhelming.

If I were not rooted in my spiritual beliefs, I would be blown away by the negativity and/or violence in the newspapers, television and other forms of media.  Darkness, doubt and fear multiply in the hearts of many.

I just need to be unplugged.  Quiet time can be filled with yoga, meditation, and ancient transcripts.  Walking in the park will engage me with a positive connection to the outside world.  Listening to music will certainly soothe my frayed soul before I settle into rest.

                "Either you be or you don't be." 



Dance in the Rain

Life is not about waiting

for the storm to pass ...

It's about learning

how to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

Rain in the spring seems purely prepared to enrich the soil, to gently touch the lovingly planted seeds, and to awaken the sprouts or buds.  As the rain falls down upon us, it is like a cleansing for the earth and all of its residents.

I have good memories of rainy days.  As a child, I played dolls with little friends in a screened in wrap around porch.  In high school, I walked in the rain eating ice cream cones with my most trusted girl friend.  In college I walked in the rain alone, feeling the rain drops as soft caresses upon my face.  As a mother, I sat in my own screened in porch watching my children play. 

Now, however, I impatiently await the return of the sun.  I feel like a wilting plant, reaching upwards anticipating the bright rays of the sun while my normally content mood seems to slide down the well watered slope.

The black clouds roll in, the deep vibration of thunder begins and the rain pelts against the windows.  Poor Hannah, my dog, clings to my side as her body shakes with fear.  What memories she must have from surviving the on slaught of tornadoes that separated her from her family. 

Metaphorically, we do need to know how to dance in the rain instead of waiting for the darkness to pass.  If we can live in each moment, receiving the gift of the present, all of life will

unfold.  We must trust the process, have faith in the powers that be, and hope for the day when the sun will shine again.

Hope Whispering

When the world says

"Give up,"

Hope whispers

"Try it one more time."

Author Unknown

There must be a line between stupidity and the willingness to try something one more time.  There is an old saying, "Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me."  

Forgiveness comes easily to me, but once trust is broken I am definitely challenged.  Life seems to offer a dance, but I just cannot seem to master the rhythm. 

My meditations and contemplations seem to be unfolding a shift in my awareness.  I am replacing worry with wonder which immediately shifts a heaviness that I have been carrying in my heart.

It seems as though my life has been fear based.   Now I am attempting to daily engage life with an open loving heart and by being simply aware of the changes of others.  Perhaps strength comes from maintaining my own sense of self and just letting others unfold.  The result is hope whispering in my ears.

Overcoming Challenge ...

Keep your faith in beautiful things;

in the sun when it is hidden,

in the Spring when it is gone.

Roy R. Gibson

In his book, A DEEP BREATH OF LIFE, Alan Cohen discusses how to turn an unfortunate

situation into a tool to be used for better opportunity.  He states, "Consider the possibility that even though someone may seem to mean an act for evil, God means it for good."

Alan Cohen reminds us of the biblical story of Joseph, the favored son, who was left in a desert to die by his jealous brothers.  A caravan rescues Joseph and brings him to Egypt where he becomes a spiritual advisor to the Pharaoh.

As the story unfolds, the brothers are thrown at the mercy of their successful brother begging for forgiveness.  Joseph replied, "Not necessary.  You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."  If he had remained at home with his family, he too would be begging as a result of the famine.

"When life hands us challenges or abuses," writes Alan Cohen, "it may actually be moving us into a position where we gain greater good than if the incidents had not happened."

During a presentation at a seminar, I asked participants to draw a line horizontally across a piece of paper.  Then I requested lines to be drawn down from that line like diagramming a sentence.  On these lines hanging down from the original line, the audience was instructed to record difficult challenges in their life. 

When completed, they were asked to draw lines upwards or vertically from the original line for recording the happy events in their life. 

The last instruction was to review the incidents both above and below the line.   Then a star was to be placed by every event that became a turning point or a dramatic change in life.

It was always interesting to discover the majority of stars were recorded beneath the line amongst the challenges.  We tend to learn more through challenges than through happy events.

Mr. Cohen reports, "In a Gallup Poll, 87 percent of those questioned stated that their most challenging experiences turned out to be among the most helpful."

So consider, if you will, the challenge you are facing ... whether it be not getting in the college of your choice, or not being offered the job of your choosing, or breaking an engagement, or forced into retirement ... might be a stepping stone to something much more rewarding.  Perhaps, only in hindsight will the benefit stand out clearly. 

Discover how to shift your misfortune into an opportunity that will enrich your life.  You must do your part.   

Alan Cohen's prayer for the day:

     "I pray to use Your vision today.  Remove

     any sense of smallness and victimization

     from my heart, and help me make my

     experiences work on my behalf."

Personal Bill of Rights

Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands that I cannot meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."
14. I have the right to say "I don't know."
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.

                                  ~Author unknown

           ******I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ME!

What No Longer Is ...

Time is like water

flowing out of a pitcher...

my cup runneth over.

You have tricked me once again,

pulling me out of the safety

of residing in the present moment.

You have engulfed me in the sadness

of what has passed,

weighing me down with emotions

heavy as drowning water.

You projected my senses

far into the future,

swirling me

into lurking stagnant waters

until overwhelmed by fear.

Gasping for air,

reaching for safety in detachment,

my energies are saturated

by emotions splayed across my sacred silent space.

Once again,

gathering that which was,

I search for a place

to store this collection

of what no longer is.

  

Embracing Change

Some of us think holding on

makes us strong;

but sometimes it is letting go.

Herman Hesse

The natural rhythm of life is change, often being likened to passage down a river.  Sometimes we float along at a comfortable pace, enjoying the tree lined views along the river beds while other times we are caught in a current swiftly moving so fast that we can barely hang on!

When evaluating our life or  making assessments, we desire change or improvement even when we are uncertain as to how the appropriate adjustments will impact our routine.  It frequently feels like we travel at a snail's pace, waiting for change to come, and yet when it does, we seldom are truly prepared.

While making life changing decisions, we may feel ill prepared or uncomfortable without having a detailed plan in our hand.  We may become overwhelmed finding everything to be too complicated or obscure.  It is tempting to find a fast forward button to cut through the process and safely arrive at the end result.

The process, however, is the important part and not to be rushed through.  We must pass through this stage with awareness and creativity.  If we are creating something new, we want it to be fresh and not just a duplicate of what we have just outgrown.  Each and every thought contributes to this movement forward.  The people we come into contact or opportunities that present themselves must all be noticed for the significance they hold. 

Rather than trying to have each and every detail outlined,  we can attempt to move through transition with a more spiritual approach.  Every morning before stirring from bed, we can feel love in our heart...even if you need to pretend.  Then we can anticipate a day filled with new insights that will lead us to a deeper sense of how to orchestrate a fulfilling life.  People coming into our presence may bring love and we need to be mindful to extend love to them as well.  By this I mean to project good will either silently or through body language, creating a space for pleasant exchange. 

The process of change is a learning experience, a time to sort through what no longer serves us.  We must surround our self with those who support us and limit the the time with those who diminish our spirit.  It is a time to seek out the truth of who we are and what we are really trying to attract into our life. 

Rather than feeling overwhelmed, we can slow down and gently embrace the change that approaches.  Instead of anxiety and attempts to control, maintain a sense of love believing that the Universe/Divine/God is bringing goodness into our life.  Trust that goodness is coming and be patient. 

Our future is unfolding and each situation we face is merely a stepping stone leading us to where we are meant to be.  By using love as our approach rather than fear, we will discover meaningful guidance and arrive safely upon our chosen shore.

The Stripping Process

Excerpt:

The first thing people do when restoring old chairs is strip --- strip right down to the bare wood.  They do this to see what the original might have looked like and to determine if the thing is worth doing over.  They strip away all the years of grime, the garish coats of paint piled one on top of the other.  They get rid of all the junk that's been tacked on through the years and try to find the solid, simple thing that's underneath.

I'm like an old chair needing that stripping process.  Every now and then I have to take a really hard look at the illusions I've built up in myself and my society, see what I've gotten myself into.  Illusions?  Yes, illusions; the excess baggage I carry around, the unnecessary, the socially expected, all that keeps me living off center too long.  Stripping myself of all this is an intentional letting go of these illusions.  It is a spiritual act of personal forgiveness.  God lets us let go.

It's hard work to let God forgive me.  I have to discover the original under all these coats I've added, strip away all the cynicism and anger I've built up, get rid of the junk I've taken on, defy my disappointments, and find what is real again.

                                                           --- Donna Schaper
                                                                in Stripping Down

This morning I was sitting in my comfy chair in the computer room, gazing out the window watching the birds.  The sun was shining and all seemed right with my world.  Then in the next instant, the sun was still shining, but it was raining at the same time!  How odd I thought, but then I realized it was not odd at all.  Nature was simply reflecting my own inner feelings...grateful for bright new beginnings, but sorrow for what must be released.

Like an old chair, layers of caked on grime and paint must be removed from me in order to "try to find the solid, simple thing that's underneath."  I won't be using harsh chemicals, but rather a soft hand sanding to gently brush the old away.  Rubbing ever so softly, I will hopefully not destroy the original grain. This process may take a while, but the outcome will be well worth the effort. 

God's forgiveness is not difficult for me to receive at all.  The warmth of the Divine light surrounds me.  The spiritual personal forgiveness ... ah, that's the rub for me.