You Can't Hide ...

“One thing you can't hide -

is when you're crippled inside.”

                                                                    John Lennon



We have a tendency to hide when things go wrong.   A coping skill is to withdraw, to hide until we can be better balanced.  We can wear masks and even costumes to distract those surrounding us, as we fear the real 'self' might be discovered. 

Sometimes we think we are masters of disguise when in reality, the people we have chosen to surround us may not really care.  They may notice we are somewhat altered, but if they indeed are not kindred spirits, they may ignore us anyway.  Most the time when we think we are playing our best performance, people who truly care see right through it.

We must choose our friends wisely, finding a balance and harmony.  When we depart from a friend we are thankful for the time just shared.  We do not feel drained or depleted.  We know our friend will openly listen to us without overreacting or passing the information on to others. 

We feel better about our selves when we realize everyone has something they feel they need to hide.  We all have negative factors we need to overcome or improve upon.  There are times when we feel a part of our self is ugly or distorted, but it may be a total illusion of our own personal judgment.  We learn to embrace other peoples imperfection, faster than our own.  

When some of us were children, we were told we were sinners and would always be sinners ... quite a burden for a child to carry.  So years of learning need to unfold to alleviate false impressions of shame or guilt.  In order to be whole, we must not hide.

We are all just a bunch of frogs

wanting to be loved

warts and all!

Is It Really That Simple?

I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful - it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. 

I don't believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.

Brene Brown Ph.D.

the ordinary courage blog

DARING GREATLY

As a child, like many others, I was shamed by various adults in my life.  I don't believe they were being deliberately mean. Certainly their behaviors were based on what had been role modeled by their parents, organizations and educational system. 

Now, however, we are more aware of what damage verbal abuse, especially shame, can do psychologically.  The emotional damage is not as apparent as a bruised body or broken limb.  The damage is kept inside, repressed for years while gaining complexity all the while a person appears perfectly normal on the outside.  The hot coals from smoldering anger can ignite a firestorm within instants.

We must learn to reframe our language so an individual understands the difference between a bad person and bad behavior.  Is it really that simple?  Yes, in some cases it is that simple.  Reprimand, correct, and acknowledge the wrong doing, but make sure it is about the act and not the  human being.

Imagine for example, if every time a child used poor judgment, they were told they were not loved nor would they ever be loved.  This doesn't help the child to understand misconduct nor encourage  good behavior.  It attacks the very nature of the child, harming the spirit and personal value in life.  The shamed child feels forever doomed and eternally unacceptable.

The experience is exceptionally hurtful when it is triggered by a parent, teacher, leader or peer.  The child believes an adult has greater wisdom and therefore can see all of the child's negative faults from a superior view.  The complexity increases if the child admires or holds in high esteem the adult activating shame.

When we take into consideration the perception of our immediate environment and the world at large is formed well before we are one year old when we are  generally non-verbal,  we are basing our security on the adult attitude (either action or tone). We do not have the intelligence at that level to discern where  emotional turmoil  or stress originates.  We are more than likely to believe that we are the cause as we also believe we are the center of all things.

Living is not for the weak hearted.  Healthy living takes courage and bravery.  Understand the full impact of the weight of our words.  Be personally responsible for everything we say which requires thought and pause.  We have the choice to embrace the human being while disapproving of the behavior.  Teach through kind words and uplifting actions.  We must begin at the beginning!

Shame, Guilt, and Loneliness ...

Of all needs (there are none imaginary) a lonely child has the one that must be satisfied, if there is going to be hope and a hope of wholeness, is the unshaken need for an unshakable God.

~ Maya Angelou

This morning you lovingly caressed my face and gently stroked my hair.  These simple gestures stirred an ancient longing in me to feel loved and to feel emotionally safe.  These senses rekindled the memories of the unmet needs of my childhood. 

I remembered feeling shameful for having wants or desires as I was taught that children did not have valid needs.  It was selfish to want something for myself. All of these thoughts were interlaced with religious overtones creating guilt as well.  

Right from the beginning I felt disapproval from the grandpa man in long billowing robes with the long gray hair sitting in the clouds of the church's stained glass window.  "God" expected perfection I was told and in my heart I truly knew that I had lost before I had even started.  

My parents, as told in Sunday School, were representatives of God.  They were my caretakers on earth working for God.  When I did not feel love or acceptance by them, what chance would I have with a Supreme Being ...

Children of emotional or physical neglect withdraw into a private world still hoping that some one will recognize their loneliness.  Hoping some one will wrap them into warm and loving arms.  There is always an abundance of 'saving' going on in a church, but children rarely have a sense of that and even if they do, they feel fraudulent inside. 

Touch is such a simple and normal gesture, and yet it is frequently with held.  The term "failure to thrive" was given to new born infants who had not been nurtured physically nor emotionally thus lacking the desire to live.

So when the child of a family is neglected, the child hopes love and affection will be received from a being outside of the self that is all powerful and can do amazing things.  Then this magical being that reportedly can do anything, does not meet the worldly needs any better than the family ever did.  Hope is lost.  Loneliness is the companion of the withdrawn child.  

The unfortunate assumption of the child is that he or she is unlovable and unacceptable by not only his or her parents, but by an all loving God.  Shame and guilt join loneliness weighing

the spirit down into despair. 

Simple touch can speak a thousand words.  It is a gesture that is free and desired by all ages.  Observe children in play.  They are always reaching for each other.  Notice elders walking arm in arm or watch their faces while embracing a child or holding a baby.  Their entire world lights up!

So this morning when your gentle fingers skimmed the side of my face, asking for nothing in return, I felt my heart sigh.  Finally, I felt emotionally safe and not alone.