I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful - it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.
I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don't believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.
Brene Brown Ph.D.
the ordinary courage blog
DARING GREATLY
As a child, like many others, I was shamed by various adults in my life. I don't believe they were being deliberately mean. Certainly their behaviors were based on what had been role modeled by their parents, organizations and educational system.
Now, however, we are more aware of what damage verbal abuse, especially shame, can do psychologically. The emotional damage is not as apparent as a bruised body or broken limb. The damage is kept inside, repressed for years while gaining complexity all the while a person appears perfectly normal on the outside. The hot coals from smoldering anger can ignite a firestorm within instants.
We must learn to reframe our language so an individual understands the difference between a bad person and bad behavior. Is it really that simple? Yes, in some cases it is that simple. Reprimand, correct, and acknowledge the wrong doing, but make sure it is about the act and not the human being.
Imagine for example, if every time a child used poor judgment, they were told they were not loved nor would they ever be loved. This doesn't help the child to understand misconduct nor encourage good behavior. It attacks the very nature of the child, harming the spirit and personal value in life. The shamed child feels forever doomed and eternally unacceptable.
The experience is exceptionally hurtful when it is triggered by a parent, teacher, leader or peer. The child believes an adult has greater wisdom and therefore can see all of the child's negative faults from a superior view. The complexity increases if the child admires or holds in high esteem the adult activating shame.
When we take into consideration the perception of our immediate environment and the world at large is formed well before we are one year old when we are generally non-verbal, we are basing our security on the adult attitude (either action or tone). We do not have the intelligence at that level to discern where emotional turmoil or stress originates. We are more than likely to believe that we are the cause as we also believe we are the center of all things.
Living is not for the weak hearted. Healthy living takes courage and bravery. Understand the full impact of the weight of our words. Be personally responsible for everything we say which requires thought and pause. We have the choice to embrace the human being while disapproving of the behavior. Teach through kind words and uplifting actions. We must begin at the beginning!
