Corkscrews On The Top Of Her Head!

We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads are equal in value no matter what their color.    ~Maya Angelou

 

Many years ago, I became intrigued by a young woman.  We were both in attendance of our husbands' softball games.  Week after week, I would watch her ... always alone, dressed very casually in jeans with a random top, large round glasses, and very long natural curly hair with random corkscews sticking out of the crown of her head.

My curiosity overcame my sense of rudeness for invading her private space on her red wool plaid blanket spread over the grass.  As she appeared to be somewhat of a recluse I was amazed when she openly welcomed me to sit awhile.

In no time at all, Kath Ann became and remained one of my dearest friends.  We had little in common except our own individual uniqueness, but we bonded like forever friends.  

Kath Ann was newly married and still basking in the delights of creating a new nest.  I had been married for several years with two little boys in tow.  She came to my home often and we would share books, both avid readers.  She told me how she 'threw clay' and loved being a potter.  (This explained the few corkscrews on the crown of her head ... her long hair had frequently been caught in the clay with the wheel turning!)  She, too, had been in the field of social services.

In spite of growing as close as women can, I was unable to tell her of my failing marriage, my overwhelming sense of failure, guilt and shame.  My parenting skills were slipping, my focus was evaporating, and I longed to be invisible.  Within months, everything came crashing down.

When I told Kath Ann I would be moving within days, she was shocked and hurt.  She said she had known something was wrong, but didn't want to be invasive.  We vowed to remain friends.

Time passed and we both moved to different locations.  She furthered her education and moved to a California University to be an interpreter for foreign students.  She, too, divorced and I never saw her again.  She died at a very young age of breast cancer.

Kath Ann will remain my forever friend.  I treasure the years we shared together and I will never let her memory fade.  I still love those big round glasses and crazy corkscrews on the top of her head!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Sticks and Stones ...



Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Maya Angelou

STILL I RISE

It is part of the human experience to witness first hand rejection or the harsh criticism of others.  It is devastating when the attack is of a personal nature, not necessarily focusing on what we do, but judging who we are at the core.

Regardless of the motivation (cruelty, competiveness, jealousy) emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical or sexual abuse.   There are no visible or physical signs of emotional abuse, and healing can take years of recovery.

The scars of verbal abuse cannot be seen, but they remain inside impacting our behaviors for years to come.   Often times we are unaware of the lingering power words contiue to have over us.  Words can be repeated as though there is a tape recorder running in our heads.  The tape can be run so regularly we are no longer aware of the constant negative impact being made upon us.    

We can easily ask ourselves, "Are these words true?"  We are all capable of careless action, but our self-evaluation is more accurate than the one with the hateful words.  We need to check within to see if accusations are true or false and then act accordingly.  Whatever does not apply, simply let go!

Preventive measures are always helpful.  If we carry the presence of the Divine within us, we will find ourselves to not be so thin skinned.  Instead of absorbing the words, we can let them bounce off of us thinking, "Wow! He or she is having a bad day!"  We put the responsibility back where it belongs.



  

"Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but words will never hurt me!" 

Words can hurt us, but only as deeply as we allow.

Shame, Guilt, and Loneliness ...

Of all needs (there are none imaginary) a lonely child has the one that must be satisfied, if there is going to be hope and a hope of wholeness, is the unshaken need for an unshakable God.

~ Maya Angelou

This morning you lovingly caressed my face and gently stroked my hair.  These simple gestures stirred an ancient longing in me to feel loved and to feel emotionally safe.  These senses rekindled the memories of the unmet needs of my childhood. 

I remembered feeling shameful for having wants or desires as I was taught that children did not have valid needs.  It was selfish to want something for myself. All of these thoughts were interlaced with religious overtones creating guilt as well.  

Right from the beginning I felt disapproval from the grandpa man in long billowing robes with the long gray hair sitting in the clouds of the church's stained glass window.  "God" expected perfection I was told and in my heart I truly knew that I had lost before I had even started.  

My parents, as told in Sunday School, were representatives of God.  They were my caretakers on earth working for God.  When I did not feel love or acceptance by them, what chance would I have with a Supreme Being ...

Children of emotional or physical neglect withdraw into a private world still hoping that some one will recognize their loneliness.  Hoping some one will wrap them into warm and loving arms.  There is always an abundance of 'saving' going on in a church, but children rarely have a sense of that and even if they do, they feel fraudulent inside. 

Touch is such a simple and normal gesture, and yet it is frequently with held.  The term "failure to thrive" was given to new born infants who had not been nurtured physically nor emotionally thus lacking the desire to live.

So when the child of a family is neglected, the child hopes love and affection will be received from a being outside of the self that is all powerful and can do amazing things.  Then this magical being that reportedly can do anything, does not meet the worldly needs any better than the family ever did.  Hope is lost.  Loneliness is the companion of the withdrawn child.  

The unfortunate assumption of the child is that he or she is unlovable and unacceptable by not only his or her parents, but by an all loving God.  Shame and guilt join loneliness weighing

the spirit down into despair. 

Simple touch can speak a thousand words.  It is a gesture that is free and desired by all ages.  Observe children in play.  They are always reaching for each other.  Notice elders walking arm in arm or watch their faces while embracing a child or holding a baby.  Their entire world lights up!

So this morning when your gentle fingers skimmed the side of my face, asking for nothing in return, I felt my heart sigh.  Finally, I felt emotionally safe and not alone.

Inner Independence

We may encounter many defeats, but

we must not be defeated.

Maya Angelou

As individuals, we are not free if we are living in fear and keeping ourselves small.  Being smaller than Divine intended us to be, not using our God-given talents, and feeling separated from all that is does not create the life contemplated for humans on this earth.

There is no person able to control you, unless you allow it.  If you are giving your power away, whether intentionally or unintentionally, it is by your choice.  You may tell yourself that you acquiesce to a friend, family member or significant other as an act of kindness, but if it is at the expense of your own spirit, it is not an act of love.

Advice from others can be helpful, but listening to your own heart can give you personal guidance for the life you are called to live.  You live this life not your advisers and therefore, it needs to be designed to personally meet your needs and goals. 

At times, you may look at someone else's life, and wish it were your own.  You may look at another person's house and wish you were the owner.   A different career may catch your attention so you imagine how different your life might be.  In reality, however, you will be 'you' no matter what life you are living or where you call home or you work.   

If you are not standing in your own power right where you are today, you will not be standing in your own power no matter what the circumstances of life brings.  If you are feeling separate now, you will bring that same sense of separateness with you.  It is what dwells within you that appropriately shapes your world, not what is outside of you.

Discover your personal strengths and build on them.  Focus on your talents and deeply love the uniqueness of your spirit.  Take pride in what you bring into this world and let your light shine.  When you learn to love yourself, integrity grows and you share your light with others.  It is this very light that will attract what you truly need. 

The transformation to inner independence does not happen over night as it is a process.  Start small and keep building upon what you learn.  Keep a journal for jotting down your feelings, losses, and discoveries.  Use resources to support your transition whether you find books in the library or articles on the Internet.  If you have a very trustworthy friend, engage them in your process. 

When you are feeling good about yourself, jot down things that support you:  a massage, a walk in the park, lunch with a friend, or an early bedtime with a good book.  There will be days that may challenge you, and on those days you can turn to your list and it will help provide you with options you may not think of when you are feeling down.

If the whole idea of reclaiming your inner independence overwhelms you, choose a therapist who can help untangle the gnarly ball of anxiety residing in your belly.  At the end of the day, jot down what you are thankful for and make a list of affirmations to help keep an attitude of gratitude.

People Will Forget

I've learned that people will forget what you said,

people will forget what you did,

but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou

 

The Human Voice

"Words mean more than what is set down on paper.  It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning."

Maya Angelou

Window of Escape

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."

Maya Angelou



Every woman carries an untold story.  It can be a generational tale, a family of  origin secret or a personal incident.  The information becomes more complicated over the years by impacting life on different levels.  Perhaps it restricts relationships with trust issues or fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) limiting various opportunities.  Other emotions mix in with shame and guilt crippling free spirit.   The chronicle can be like a sliver embedded in the skin...if it is removed promptly, there is no harm.  If the sliver is left unattended, matter will gather and infection settles in.

The untold narrative creates a barrier disallowing freedom of speech and creating a silence.  Without full disclosure the repressed tale becomes more difficult to reveal.  Certain aspects of the 'self' are kept under lock and key with bars covering any window of escape. 

As time passes, the hidden story surfaces unexpectedly.  It reappears in a nightmare or is reflected in the telling of someone else's revealed truth.  A convincing lie dances within the ego..."You are a stronger woman by keeping this story to yourself!" Actually, the opposite is true.  It takes more courage to tell one's story and it is followed by liberation creating better mental, physical, and spiritual health.

There are many ways for a woman to tell her story.  She can write it in a journal or in a letter that can be burned afterwards.  A dear friend or a counselor would be honored to listen.  The woman with a secret fears judgment and isolation, but by articulating her silence, she will find compassion and acceptance. 

It is through exploring inner landscapes that the soul becomes lighter.  Gather light and journey into personal darkness with the intention to rid all that no longer applies.  Perhaps this process of 'going within' can be likened to digging into a backpack and discarding old candy wrappers, wadded up papers, books no longer necessary, and pens that have run out of ink.  The backpack becomes remarkably lighter allowing easier passage.

Women have been telling myths and legends since ancient times.  Whether gathered around fires or etching symbols into stone, personal histories have been passed down both enlightening and entertaining all women ... grandmothers, mothers, daughters and sisters alike.  The female narrative is imperative to us all.

Remove the bars from your window and escape to a freedom that you deserve.  Record the story within you whether it is a comedy, adventure, drama or folklore.  A memoir can offer apology, anger, sorrow or forgiveness without exacting grammar or punctuation.  By allowing others to witness your story, truth will be honored and your authentic spirit will be set free.