Shame, Guilt, and Loneliness ...

Of all needs (there are none imaginary) a lonely child has the one that must be satisfied, if there is going to be hope and a hope of wholeness, is the unshaken need for an unshakable God.

~ Maya Angelou

This morning you lovingly caressed my face and gently stroked my hair.  These simple gestures stirred an ancient longing in me to feel loved and to feel emotionally safe.  These senses rekindled the memories of the unmet needs of my childhood. 

I remembered feeling shameful for having wants or desires as I was taught that children did not have valid needs.  It was selfish to want something for myself. All of these thoughts were interlaced with religious overtones creating guilt as well.  

Right from the beginning I felt disapproval from the grandpa man in long billowing robes with the long gray hair sitting in the clouds of the church's stained glass window.  "God" expected perfection I was told and in my heart I truly knew that I had lost before I had even started.  

My parents, as told in Sunday School, were representatives of God.  They were my caretakers on earth working for God.  When I did not feel love or acceptance by them, what chance would I have with a Supreme Being ...

Children of emotional or physical neglect withdraw into a private world still hoping that some one will recognize their loneliness.  Hoping some one will wrap them into warm and loving arms.  There is always an abundance of 'saving' going on in a church, but children rarely have a sense of that and even if they do, they feel fraudulent inside. 

Touch is such a simple and normal gesture, and yet it is frequently with held.  The term "failure to thrive" was given to new born infants who had not been nurtured physically nor emotionally thus lacking the desire to live.

So when the child of a family is neglected, the child hopes love and affection will be received from a being outside of the self that is all powerful and can do amazing things.  Then this magical being that reportedly can do anything, does not meet the worldly needs any better than the family ever did.  Hope is lost.  Loneliness is the companion of the withdrawn child.  

The unfortunate assumption of the child is that he or she is unlovable and unacceptable by not only his or her parents, but by an all loving God.  Shame and guilt join loneliness weighing

the spirit down into despair. 

Simple touch can speak a thousand words.  It is a gesture that is free and desired by all ages.  Observe children in play.  They are always reaching for each other.  Notice elders walking arm in arm or watch their faces while embracing a child or holding a baby.  Their entire world lights up!

So this morning when your gentle fingers skimmed the side of my face, asking for nothing in return, I felt my heart sigh.  Finally, I felt emotionally safe and not alone.

Finding the Child ...

 

 

There's nothing sadder in this world

than to awake Christmas morning

and not be a child.

Erma Bombeck

As the mother of four, making Christmas magical was a full time job.  Specialty stocking stuffers chosen specifically for each individual stocking took thought, preparation and time.  Christmas wrapping paper were of two different varieties: one was used only for Santa's presents, and the other for gifts from Mom or Dad.  Each child would receive his or her special ornament that had been selected with care (which they claimed for themselves once an adult leaving my tree almost bare!)

A variety of cookies needed to be baked as siblings never liked the same ones.  Groceries galore filled every inch of counter space.  Appropriate clothing for Christmas Eve church services or church Christmas programs or school Christmas programs needed to be purchased for all four growing children.  Hiding spots for the gathering purchases also needed to be discovered. 

Time had to be designated between the children's commitments, adult obligatory dinners, and gatherings of friends.  Then opportunities needed to be created between stories of the Christ child, Advent services, and religious reflection.

It is no wonder women suffer from empty nest syndrome once the children have all moved away.  What to do with all of the extra time? There are other resolves than waiting for grandchildren to start the crazy cycle of creating magic all over again.

After I had my children, I realized that I needed to withdraw from several activities in order to be the kind of mother I expected myself to be.  I recall this decision clearly and knew both then and years later that there would be time when to reclaim my life as my own.

Our age does not matter, however, when we have the opportunity to once again be a child.  Perhaps the awareness of a child could be with us daily.  We can hide gifts for friends; make a snow angel;  select a special present for ourselves, wrap it in decorative paper and place it mysteriously under the tree ... waiting like a child for Christmas morn.

Frequently, we are referred to as children of God.  In this sense we are called to experience life with childlike wonder, to maintain faith and trust like that of a child, and to play well with others.  Our gifts of course are not found under a tree, but rather well hidden and waiting to be discovered within ourselves.

So on this Christmas Day, through childlike eyes see the surrounding magic.  See the beauty of the earth, and the radiance in every one's hearts.  Listen for the whispers of guidance to be heard in the lyrics of Christmas Carols or to be found in the written word. 

Light one candle, just one small votive candle in honor of yourself, in respect for all that has been given and all that has yet to come.  Give praise and thanksgiving for the freedom to celebrate the Christmas Season in whatever manner you choose. 

 On this Christmas Day,

I wish you a heart full of happiness

and a mind filled with inspiration

and wonderment!