Lives I Am Not Living

"Sometimes I can feel my bones 

straining under the weight of all 

the lives I am not living."

Jonathan Safran Foer

Extremely Loved and Incredibly Close

Days without sunshine, spending time on things that have to be completed, and not getting enough sleep is taking a toll.  Little time is left for me to work on my writing and reading which is my source of passion for the day.   While I am out of my loosely knit routine, I am easily distracted and scattered. Imagined lives I am not living are slipping away.  Preparation for the holidays can be fun if not exhausting, and there is my selfish little child crying, "What about me?"

Why is it when my schedule is full, I can think of numerous tasks I'd love to take on?  Then when there is a wrinkle in time I could claim as my own, I am so disorganized I cannot think of one thing I'd really like to do.  As my December days seem to be overflowing with 'need to do' tasks, and my inner self is rapidly sending me creative ideas, I decided there must be a way for compromise.

I have started making an on going list.  Every time an idea crops up while I am wrapping presents or trapped in holiday cheer, I make a quick notation with some additional ideas.  My list is growing and instead of dreading the let down usually felt in January, I am looking forward to an exciting list of things that will restore my sense of 'me'.   I no longer feel the weight of the season, only joy.  The strain has been replaced by an eagerness to enter the gloom of January with my inner light glowing.    I will have my list as a map to explore the lives I felt I was missing.