To Stand Naked

 

 

 

"I never want to be afraid to pause,

touch my stillness,

then trust my calm sense

of what to do this time."

 

Hugh Prather

SPIRITUAL NOTES TO MYSELF

 

 

As a young child, I learned to wear a suit of armor to protect myself from all I could not understand.  My mantra became, "You are not going to hurt me!"  When things I could not control approached me, I was able to turn my little self into stone in support of my armor.  Perhaps, this contributes to the heaviness I have carried around all of my life.

 

So over the years, one by one, chinks in my armor were unlocked.  It was too cumbersome to drag all of the weight.  I learned that not only did the armor deflect emotions from me, it also isolated me. Being a survivor hanging out in armor, I never allowed myself to feel.  When a situation was coming at me, I would remove myself spiritually, emotionally and when I could, physically.   I placed all of my mental strengths into my plan of flight so I would feel nothing.  There would be no standing still.

 

It takes an enormous amount of strength to learn to stand in the present without a suit of armor.  After accomplishing that, I needed to learn to not turn to stone as a means of protection.  I began to realize this kind of action kept negatives out, but also kept out the positives.

 

So then I process issue by issue.  I learn to stand naked as a breathing human being.  It would seem that it was necessary for all previous resolve to return one last time in order to get the entire experience ... to feel.   So I never escaped all of those feelings, they just caught up with me later and all at once.

 

Traveling the passages of mental and spiritual health has been my life long spiral.  It has sometimes been like a slide ... climbing up challenges to finally enjoy a quick glimpse of joy while sliding down, only to climb again.  Thankfully, I have also experienced the widening spiral traveling upwards.  With gained wisdom and insight, my world grew broader and my Divine became all encompassing.

 

So it is with constant monitoring that I stand vulnerable in front of life.  I can be comfortable in the pause of stillness and not be afraid.  I know that life will once again approach me on some slippery slope, but I also know that I can just be with it and let it go.