Thin Ice

 

 

"To see takes time."

Georgia O'Keeffe

 

 

Throughout the holidays I noticed how very well I was controlling my emotions.  I believed that I had finally gained the appropriate balance to navigate securely through family issues either present, passed, or simply absent.  I wondered, however, why I felt a heaviness even when I had successfully reflected feelings away from me.  In time, the truth surfaced. 

 

In meditation, I sat with this unidentified heaviness, truly wanting to understand.  It took time, but eventually I began to see the root of my problem.  Once again, I found myself skating on very thin ice.  One little crack and I would find myself drowning in surfacing emotions.

 

In my endeavor to control my feelings, I saw myself successfully reflecting them when in reality I was simply repressing, suppressing, and numbing myself.  The story I told myself was that I had advanced in mastering my feelings when in reality, I just increased my ability to dissociate.

 

It is so disheartening when we cycle in and out of our lessons in life and discover we have not advanced as much as we had thought.  Maybe we have progressed on one level, but then another area pops up needing adjustment.  In time, we see through our own illusions.

 

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to take down our wall, to stand securely in the present, can really be painful.  It is a necessary practice in order to keep our feelings flowing through us instead of damming them up inside.  When we respect ourselves, it is easier to let other peoples negative projections to pass right through.  We are not as inclined to harbour what others say, as we do believe in our personal integrity.

 

I find it personally amazing to monitor how I feel at any given moment. When I  acknowledge my feelings, it is easier to deal with them head on, and then let them go.   When I am dealing with raw feelings my outlets are writing, painting with water colors, or verbally sharing my stories. By using these outlets,  the heaviness can be  released.  

 

By being more in tune with authentic feelings, I feel better in spite of the painful process.



I Can See Myself ... Georgia O'Keeffe

 

I know now that most people are so closely concerned with themselves that they are not aware of their own individuality.

I can see myself, and it has helped me to say what I want to say

in paint.  ~ Georgia O'Keeffe


There are many ways to project our voices ... through creative expression.  Whether we use paint, pen, or song, the need for self-expression is vital.  We often do not realize what we are thinking or believing until we express it for examination.  We are often surprised as the truth slips out or the out grown evaluations spew. 

How can we seriously expect others to know us if we do not know our selves?  If we hide behind masks, those around us react to what they see and not what is hidden inside.  It is similar to going to the doctor complaining about a pain in the foot when it is really the right shoulder we cannot move. 

Some years ago, in an attempt to know me better, a man asked me what I most liked to do.  Without hesitating I blurted out, "I love to swim!"  Then waves of horror washed over me ... my body in a bathing suit at my age, shaving more than my legs, being exposed to cancerous sun rays that would burn me to a crisp!  This shared insight was so far off course I started to laugh hysterically.  I quickly supplied a different answer, "I love water ... everything about it!" 

Truth be known, I love the sound of water whether it is a gentle rain drop or a crashing wave.  Water soothes and calms me, lulling me into a state of peace.  Whether it is a bubble bath or a sprinkler, my body awakens to the caress of water.  It is cleansing and refreshing.  It is everything opposite of being stuffed into a bathing suit!

Perhaps if we made a list of things we truly enjoyed and then went back over the list adding all of the ways we supported our desires, we would become more aware of how well we knew our selves.  The list would also be a good indicator of how well we met our creative or personal wants and needs and what means we used to express our individuality. 

Can we clearly see our selves?   Do we present our selves accurately?  Are we saying what we need to say? hmmm ....










Another Way of Speaking ...

Maybe that's why

I want to touch people so often --

it's only another way of talking.

Georgia O'Keeffe

While experiencing the lessons of life there are a multitude of emotional stages.  There are instances when we try to talk our way around the problem or sit in denial.  Other times we may be harsh and aggressive or accusing and judgmental.  When tired of talking and losing sight of healthy options, we may withdraw into isolation dissolving into tears and exhaustion.

By sitting in silence the shell of protection grows stronger around us encircling our spirit with sadness and loss.  Asking for help seems impossible as we fear yet another rejection.  It is difficult to admit we have needs so we remain stuck within our shell.

Then the miracle happens!  A friend or stranger steps forward and wraps our wounded self safely into her or his arms.  This simple gesture of communication breaks through our defenses and the pent up emotions are released.  Once again we can feel as though we have returned to a place of love or comfort where we can begin to feel worthy and accepted.

A hug is such a simple gesture and yet it silently speaks a world of healing words.  It is a form of communication without any language barrier that everyone can embrace and understand whether giving or receiving.

So when we, as loving human beings, have the sense that we are ill prepared to find the perfect words to assist a friend in need, remember the hug.  It is frequently more potent than well intentioned phrases, and it melts down the self-imposed isolation.  It is a language we are all capable of speaking!