Fear Not Being the Same

"We all grip tightly to what we know, even if we hurt ourselves in the process."

Mark Nepo

Why do we do that ... keep touching sore spots?  It is similar to pushing upon a bruise to make certain it still hurts.  Correcting behavior sounds contradictory in that when we feel the need to cling, it is really time to let go and when we feel the need to run it is really time to stand still.

We tell our lovely selves we are going to change, but somehow it is more comfortable to stay in our quagmire.  Change requires deliberate actions and a mending of our journey.  If we continue to remain in the same grooves, we will continue to be lodged in the same patterns.

Even when we know the past cannot hurt us, it remains challenging to eliminate the memory.  It takes time and patience to unearth the sore spots and release the story.  We may even fear that we will not be the same if we dislodge emotional boulders; and truthfully, we will change ... we will become stronger, healthier, and amazed by whom we truly are.

 

The Sacred Flame

"... loving yourself requires a courage unlike any other.  It requires us to believe in and stay loyal to something no one else can see that keeps us in the world ~ our own self-worth."

 

Mark Nepo

THE BOOK OF AWAKENING

 

 

 

While thinking of my college days, I happened to recall how I wore my hair straight, but half way down my back.  I never wore makeup and chose simple silver jewelry.  I wore flowered dresses (they were known as shifts) and made several of my own from simmple patterns.  When graduating from college, my car had a peace sign on it as well as flower decals. 

 

From a distance, I am certain others may have labeled me a flower child, not knowing I had never marched for peace nor  participated in demonstrations.  Although my college room mate burned her bras with great regularity, I simply never wore one.

 

To look back at those days, I projected calm in spite of the turbulence brewing within me.  I sought out the easy way to do things in order to avoid conflict.  I could not tolerate arguing of any sort, and would frequently leave if anyone was shouting at another. 

 

In those college years I absorbed the writings of Khalil Gibran, Pearl S. Buck and Chaim Potok.  I believed the key for respect and honor for all peoples would be found outside of myself.  My writings were dark, stemming from the black hole expanding within me.  All of the illumination I would discover outside of myself was quickly quashed by personal dark shadows.

 

I remember myself in struggle with life, but building a strong persona to reflect towards the world.  I was smart, creative, and determined to save the world with psychology and social work skills.  I would rescue others while I slowly fought the waves of stagnant emotions in the caustic sea within me.

 

My college years were several life times ago.  With strict task masters, I learned lessons the hard way and frequently wandered off.   It was when I finally came to a complete stop, that I was able to  unearth the sacred flame waiting for me within.