The Cost of Shame

James Carroll Beckwith

1852-1917

"Shame is, hands down, the most uncomfortable feeling. And, because it produces continuous  
 amounts of inflammatory chemicals in the body, it is also a health risk. Brene Brown, in her  incredible book Daring Greatly, reminds us of the following: 

Guilt says: I made a mistake

Shame says: I AM a mistake.

(Comments by Christiane Northrup)

Recalling our past and examining our present, there are areas where we may feel guilty.  We all have had experiences when we did not behave in our highest good or in best behavior.  Even if a situation was a misunderstanding, we may be left feeling guilty.  These feelings, however, can be altered through forgiveness and love for ourselves as well as others.

Shame is not as easily controllable.  Shame can cower even the strongest of heart.  It reaches into vulnerable areas sometimes totally unexpected, and debilitating.  Guilt makes us aware of inappropriate behavior.  Shame squelches us into feeling unworthy, disgusting, unacceptable, and damaged.  We can use  therapy or various forms of self-help  to heal the feelings of shame, but they cling so closely, pierce our very being, and convincingly appear as reality.

How we phrase our comments, can make an extraordinary difference upon the recipient.  Our criticism, if necessary, needs to be focused on the behavior and not upon the person his or her self.  When both behavior and person are attacked, the damage is even more deeply ingrained.

When judgment falls upon us from someone we admire or hold in high esteem, we can emotionally become paralyzed.  If the reprimand is  "You did a horrible job!" , we can regroup by thinking we can do better and regain respect.  If  the reprimand is "You are a horrible person to have done this!" can stir numerous reactions:  emotional hurt, physical pain, hopelessness, unworthiness, and even unacceptability to God.

Just as with a child, a parent comments on the behaviors and not on the individual.  This allows the person to still feel valuable, and capable of correcting poor choices.  The behavior is unacceptable and must be addressed, but not at the expense of damage from shame.  It is healthy for all of us to learn to avoid inappropriate actions while still feeling loved.