Remember to use Tools

Tell me, and I'll forget.

Show me, and I may not remember.

Involve me, and I'll understand.

Native American Saying

There are so many tools in life.  As we grow up we learn acceptable behavior and unfortunately, we are not taught how to handle the emotions that we stuff down inside of our selves.  Rules of the Road, tools of the trade, Robert's Rules of Order, and life skills, but seldom do we learn how to navigate through our emotional landscapes.

In some ways, life itself teaches us how to cope and we also meet mentors along the way.  Perhaps through reading or creative expression or spiritual practice we also learn how to process our experiences.

As life draws on, we have gathered several tools to help us in daily living and in challenge or crisis.  The trick, however, is to remember to call forth our tools.  We need to be conscious of the necessity to apply what we know rather than collapse into old behaviors that no longer serve us.

We are not responsible for other people's behaviors.  If someone chooses to scream and yell at us, it is his or her choice to react in such a manner.  We do not have to condone inappropriate behavior.

If we have erred in our work or responsibilities, we have made a mistake not become a failure.  Apologize and sincerely respond with intention for correction.  When the intensity of the moment has passed, we must use our voice by calmly stating we expect to be treated professionally.

When loved ones have had a bad day they are entitled to feel whatever they feel, but are not entitled to come home and take it out on us.  Making healthy statements can help both individuals involved, such as: "I can see that you are very upset.  Why don't you take a few minutes to sort your feelings out, and then we can talk when you are not so upset." 

Encourage the person to journal, take a walk or run, wash the day off in the shower or take some alone time in the garden or listen to favorite music.  If you can objectively listen to your loved one without being pulled into the drama, then it is fine to be a sounding board.  If, however, you find your self cowering with hurt feelings, better boundaries need to be created.

People who respond to us poorly are usually doing so based on situations that have nothing to do with us.  Sometimes just kindly acknowledging the frustration can clear the air.  For example, if we are in a restaurant and the wait staff is acting like it is our fault they have to be working, a comment can be made ... "Sounds like you are really having a bad day!"  If said with sincerity, the person will usually respond with an apology and shift into a more appropriate mode of service.  If we call some one and he or she answers very gruffly, common sense tells us to politely offer, "You sound like you are really busy.  Why don't I call back later?"  Often times, this brings attention to the rude exchange and the person becomes willing to help right there and then.

It serves no purpose to respond in a negative way, as this just adds to the building energy.  Respond in kindness but do not become the 'dumping ground' for some one else's anger.  Listening to a friend is different, but some times even with a friend we must use the tools we know.  "Sounds like you really have a problem.  Let me know how it comes out."

Being a sounding board is quite different from being some one's punching bag.  We must create strong boundaries while having compassion.  If we don't respect our selves, why should any one else?

We are all capable of being rude or inappropriate given the right or wrong circumstances.  As soon as we realize we have acted poorly, it is very important for all involved to apologize as soon as you can.  Send a quick e-mail, text, card or phone call.  We don't have to grovel, but if we don't make the gesture of kindness, a space begins to grow between the involved parties. 

If we cannot return to the situation for whatever reason, we can remember what we are capable of and endeavor to not do so again.  If we remember our own behaviors, it is helpful in understanding the actions of others.  People are frequently reflections of our selves.