"It was like discovering that some part of you wasn't yours at all. And
it made me wonder what else I couldn't claim."
Sarah Dessen
My spiritual momentum had been expanding in a comfortable way and I at last believed I was truly a kind person. I didn't have to think about nice things to do, opportunity just unexpectedly happened into my path daily. How good it was to feel the comfort of finally being 'me'... kind.
In vision, the bottom of my belly may have had some lightly sifted debris, but the layers working their way upwards became soft and gentle. I was finally fulfilled. My body felt aligned, stretched, connected, and I was within kindness to all things.
Then Bella died and my kindness seemed to drain away. Any residue was buried deeply in my gut, layered with dark strains of loss, grieving and judgment. I was filled with doubt ... bouts with anger ... and wisps of abandonment. Conflicted, I am truly glad she is no longer in pain, but selfishly wish her back. Perhaps it is time to turn kindness towards my self and allow my sorrow to lift so I can go back to being kind to self and others.
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