Invisible and Small

 

Sometimes we deceive ourselves and mitigate our sincerity through good intentions. Often, when insecure and off-center, we love in the way we want to be loved.  Often, when caught in this way of caring, we think we are answering the needs of others,when in fact we are giving them what we would cry for, if we were in their position.  When more centered in ourselves, we tend to truly ask and give what others need.

THE EXQUISITE RISK by Mark Nepo

In all of life, I have endeavored to be a truth teller.  To be otherwise was too confusing for me.  In my opinion this was the right way to navigate through life, but as all peoples are not perfect, I too found the necessity to lie.  Unfortunately, the lies I told were to my inner self and I kept them neatly bundled, building my foundation upon stacks upon stacks of self told lies. 

I was exceptionally good at intuitively knowing how a man wanted to be loved.  Not how I wanted to be loved, but perfecting his desires and dreams.  I eagerly adapted all of my energies into making his life bliss which seemed to be his singular focus as well.  The man and I were totally compatible as we both loved him.

So his needs having happily been met, I told myself lies to survive the loneliness and darkness growing inside.  I told myself that one day he would be interested in my own desires and dreams, and that he would ask and give whatever I might need.  And when this didn't happen, I told myself more lies about how I really didn't have needs and that servitude was a more humble kind of love, making myself invisible and small.

Through many challenges, I eventually learned to love all that is within, to meet my needs, and to tell lies to myself no more.  Life continues to offer me opportunities testing my resilience to remain true to myself.  Staying centered does not come easy for me and when I lapse I awaken to find myself repeating the error of my ways.  I do find joy in giving to others whatever it is they need, but I have discovered to first fill myself and to endeavor to never again be invisible or small.