Far from Done

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

Jonathan Swift

We went on a day trip to take in an art festival in a small town a few hours away from our home.  I had not visited this town since my college days.  Walking near the river, placing my feet on the same sidewalk cracks, and recognizing the old buildings had me spiraling back into my past.

The last time I stood before this store, my hair was a luscious brown draping half-way down my back.  I was slim and my belly was still flat.  My body was well tanned and I felt as light as the breeze.  I faced the future with undaunted courage and wild anticipation.

Back then I wasn't aware of my gypsy blood, my need to travel so many miles.  I was not thinking of children let alone birthing four!  I did not believe in divorce, and never thought it would come knocking at my door.  My world was all external hiding what I thought was my unworthy self deep within my core.  I was not aware of my strengths nor prepared for what all life had in store.

And here I am today, leaning against this same old tree pondering what all has happened to me.  Resilience and writing remain with me, but my gregarious and aggressive ways have long time fallen away.  I wonder what would have happened if back then my life had been shown to me ... fast forwarded glimpsing the rise and fall of so many masks of me ... what if anything would I have changed?

No, I have no desire to go back.  I don't want to change a thing for if I did, would it not be like a domino effect with one thing changing another?  I could run the risk of making other mistakes while correcting the now obvious ones.  And is anything truly a mistake?   I think not.  Mistakes are building blocks or catalysts for change.

 I will forgive my self for things I have carelessly said or done or even left undone.  I will embrace all of my parts from over the years into this one solid sum.  It has been a reflective journey and actually far from done. 

Street Light Sarcasm

sarcasm: 

a form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.   
                         American Heritage Dictionary

When I was in the seventh grade attending a Roman Catholic grade school, a woman was attacked just outside the church door.  She struggled with the man and fortunately broke away from his grip.  She had been waiting outside of the church for a student meeting to be dismissed.  Although it was only 6 p.m. darkness had already fallen in the city.

Being inside of the building, the news of the attack spread quickly.  We were instructed to leave the grounds immediately and to go directly home.  The police had not been called as the woman refused to report the incident and the man had already fled down the street.  

The thought of the man still being in the neighborhood frightened me.  To get home, I would be walking eight city blocks alone.  I walked to and from school every day, but usually I would meet friends along the way and it was never dark.

I went to the office phone and asked permission to call home.  I was very relieved when my father answered. Quickly, I told him what had happened at the school and how frightened I was to walk home by myself in the dark.  

"Dad, could you please come and pick me up?"

My father laughed and replied, "You have nothing to be afraid of.  If someone grabs you, he'll drop you and run as soon as he gets you under the first street light!"

This was my father's sarcasm.  It was a permanent part of his language.  Growing up, I found him to be highly amusing, not really understanding that his humor was covering his criticism and prejudice.  As an adult reviewing my past, I quickly realized how condescending he was to others.  I always kept my eyes glued to my father's handsome face watching him smile and hearing him laugh, but never thought to glance at the reaction on the face of my father's target.

Just a few years ago, I was talking with a very dear friend.  As usual, I was laughing and told her the story about the street light.  I was using it as an example of how funny my father was to me.  She looked me in the eye and gently asked, "But, how did that make you feel?"  I was stunned.  No one had ever asked me that before. The remark seemed irrelevant until the answer slowly took form.

My friend's question triggered all kinds of imprinted memories of being an ugly and incompetent child. Stemming from my father's sarcasm, his "sense of humor" fostered my lack of self-worth.  When I expanded my memory of how he used his sarcasm on my mother, humiliation seeped into my awareness.  I recalled laughing hysterically at things my father would say to my mother never understanding how the condescending  words must have hurt her.  

Let there be no mistake, my father was a gregarious fun loving man who drew friends to him.  He was the kind of man everyone would want to be with hunting, fishing, golfing, or just having a good time.  Certainly we all suffered from his quick tongue, as his sarcasm had no limits or boundaries.  He used his cutting words of disguised criticism on politics, religions, ethnic groups, the lesser female, and the ignorant child.  

Ironically, the strong bias of my father turned me in the opposite direction.  I did not care about politics, but I sought out religious and ethnic diversity which was easy to do in the city.  It took years for me to shed the role of the lesser female, but when I did, I became a  spiritual warrior for women.  And the ignorant child?  She still needs to be calmed, encouraged, and nurtured, but she will never be made to feel 'small' again.

Criticism and Compliments ...

When a man spends his time

giving his wife criticism and advice

instead of compliments,

he forgets that it was not his good judgment,

but his charming manners that

won her heart.

Helen Rowland

Why are we so critical of those whom we love dearly, or particularly judgmental to our self?  The terrible mind-chatter that is endlessly repeated in our heads can be extremely destructive and demeaning.

When we become aware of a negative conversation running non-stop  in our mind, stop and ask, "Would I talk this way to a friend?"  Probably not, so why are we saying these mean things to our self?  And why are we believing them?

I can take criticisms

but not compliments.

James Taylor

I frequently find my self rushing through a compliment, but acting the opposite during criticism.  Upon receiving negative assessments of my self, I might even extend and expand the conversation.   This is self-sabotage at its best.

Four female friends can meet for a social lunch lingering over food for hours.  The conversations can be very random and peppered by endless compliments, and maybe just one small careless remark.   When the lunch has ended, each woman walks away remembering the one negative comment while the multitude of compliments are long forgotten. 

While making presentations at spiritual gatherings, I would frequently ask women in attendance to number a paper from one to twenty.  Then I would request them to jot down their negative qualities or weaknesses.  Words would fly out of their pens, quickly filling in the blanks and sometimes even adding more.  Next, I would ask them to  once again number from one to twenty down the page.  This time, however, they were to list their good points or the positive qualities that they recognized within themselves.  Perhaps three might be listed before pens would pause gripped in the hands across the room.  Women would be challenged to complete their list of positive attributes;  whereas, their list of negatives overflowed.   What does this say about our personal belief system?

During one of my many reads, there was a suggestion as to how to handle criticism.  The article said to truly be open and listen carefully to the comments.  Then take a few minutes to evaluate if any of the remarks resonate inside of you.  What does not honestly apply, let go of immediately.  What may have some truth to it, graciously accept and become determined to improve. 

There was a time in my life when in any situation receiving service, if the person providing the service had a negative attitude, I would respond with the same level of negativity.  Eventually, I learned to not take others behaviors quite so personally.   So if a person providing service presents in a very negative manner, I am much more apt to recognize that they are having a bad day and it has nothing to do with me.  It is easier, then, to reply in kindness.  I don't know how many times I have said, "Boy! Sounds like you are really having a bad day!"  Immediately, you can observe a shift in their attitude as well as their body language.  Just acknowledging their apparent frustration, releases some stress.

My Reiki friend Joyce always ends her emails with this wise reminder:

                            

 Be kinder than necessary,

for everyone you meet

is fighting some kind of battle.