Lowering the Wall

"There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened

at the will of others.  My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me."

Jane Austen

Over the years, I knowingly mastered the ability to drop a heavy wall around me at will.  From an early age I felt the necessity of protection from others.  Lack of trust and zero confidence left me feeling easily intimidated by others.  It took great courage to navigate through younger years avoiding any form of intimidation.

Eventually, I understood my wall was not only keeping threats at a distance, it was also keeping nurturing experiences away as well.  Working with emotional intuition, I was able to better detect when to lift or lower the wall.  In time, I accepted the necessity of removing the wall all together.

When I was able to grow the light within me, my focus shifted to sending compassion and kindness to others, trusting I would be just fine.  Centering myself by loving others as they were, taught me how to embrace my self just as I was.  It is no longer about being frightened.  It is about balance between loving and nurturing myself just as I love and nurture others.

Freedom and Uncertainty

"Every body has their taste in noises as well as other matters;

and sounds are quite innoxious or most distressing,

by their sort rather than their quantity."

Jane Austen

Fireworks, fire crackers and cherry bombs were once my delight.  As a child, I loved the Fourth of July and craved the darkness bursting with sounds, colors, and shapes.  It was an anticipated time for gatherings and fun.

Fourth of July as a mother changed things completely.  Babies would scream at the noises and our dearest pets would shake and whine with fear.  It was a time to worry about burns, accidents, and crowd control with a strong desire to retreat home.

Fondness for this holiday has diminished.  Fireworks sound like bombs and I am self conscious about veterans or survivors of violence.  The celebration for freedom stirs an uncertainty of our country's status and just how independent we really are.