The Person I Intended To Be

Lock up your libraries if you like,

but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt

that you can set upon the freedom

of my mind.

Virginia Woolf

After I made pink lemonade, I sat in my white wicker rocker under the cover of the patio.  I think I was half-wishing to be drawn back into time, to be found on my old screened-in porch, and to have little feet gathered around me.  It was a time when I was secure and not afraid to be bold.  Not yet did I know the magnitude of the challenges in life, but I don't think I would have been as discouraged as I find myself of late.

Twenty-four hours of my life passed by today.  In one sense it feels like a loss, but in an other, is it more of a gain?  Where is home anyway ... is it here or is it there.  I am not who some others expected, and yet, here I am.  The person I intended to be.

Round or square, hot or cold, black or white ... choices I don't seem to care to make.  I hesitate to speculate as nothing seems to be what it appears.  Left or right, up or down, above or below ... all decisions for others to make.

The sun has hidden itself as the rain now pounds down.  The humidity feels like a sadness hanging on me, like a heavy wet woolen coat.  The splashing of the rain drops refresh my toes, but these clean feet have no desire to go.

I seem unable to quench the thirst still lingering in my heart.   I am ever so grateful for the splendor of my mind, but long for an artistic flair to dissipate my despair.  The ancient freedom of my mind whispers, "simply let it be."

Losing the Thread ...

He who every morning

plans the transactions of the day,

and follows that plan

carries a thread that will guide him

through a labyrinth of the most busy life.

Victor Hugo

Perhaps this is my problem, losing the thread that would otherwise guide me through the labyrinth of my life.  I do not like structure after a long life of limits and boundaries.  I quit wearing a watch around 5 years ago as my day has an altogether different cadence without it.  Sometimes I think twenty minutes have flown by when in fact it has been an hour and a half!  Then in other parts of the day, I think I have wasted too much time exploring, but in real time only minutes have passed.

I am amazed when I recall my mother declining an invitation to play the card game Canasta because she had to clean the house.  Are you kidding me?  If I even think someone might call, I am ready to jet!

Not having this thread would explain why my day so easily unravels.  I will have wonderful intentions, but my focus seems to shift as I wander from room to room.  I'd like to think of this lack of discipline as spontaneity.   I am open and willing to change course with the slightest of ease.

Without the entanglement of this thread, I am much more apt to just go with the flow, to allow myself to be called, and to be where I need to be.  I don't suppose there is a right or wrong, just a choice of how you might want to be.