Fly

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds' wings.”

― Rumi,

Essential Rumi 

 

 

 

After numerous lessons from life, we realize the need for balance whether it is with sleep, food, exercise, work or relationship.  We understand the phrases about not appreciating light without darkness or joy without sorrow or fortune without misfortune.  Over and over again we begin the walk across the tightrope hoping to use impeccable footing, and not fall, intending to create perfect balance. 

Time passes and we develop a sense of when we are tipping the scales without conscious focus.  We just know what we need and what we need to shed.  It is as simple as breathing in and out if we but discipline our behaviors.

When we have tentatively mastered balance, we seem to experience the momentum changing.  Life seems to slow down and we grow impatient, and then without any indication, life will also speed up leaving no time for real time.  There can be somewhat of a whiplash effect.

So back on the tightrope, we have secured in our memory every step to perfection, but then the rope begins to contract and then expand.  We find our selves desperately struggling to adjust our gait to adapt to these uncertainties.

And is this not what life is ... a series of uncertainties?  Intention and deliberate organization will not hold strong against the winds of change.  We must be adjustable when faced with the unpredictable and flexible with the illusion of certainty.  Finding comfort when we are confined by time and peaceful when we are expanded in creation is necessary for experience with balance.

It is when we gather acceptance and compassion into our heart that we finally become authentic and discover true appreciation and gratitude.  The unnecessary has been discarded through trial and error and we create anew with resilience.  It is through this labor of contraction and expansion we learn to spread our wings and fly.

Largely about Relationship

 

 

 

 

The fear of death follows from the from the fear of life.  A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.      ~Mark Twain

 

 

 

It is easy to live fully in beautiful Key West.  It was 11 degrees back in Illinois today and my daughter reports a light dusting of snow in Nashville.  The day greeting me here is sunny, breezy, and around 70 degrees.  The tourists are running around in their tank tops and flip flops and the locals are bundled up in quilted vests and hoodies with gloves.  Another example of how we respond to what we are used to or what our particular perspective becomes.  Either way, I am most thankful to be here.

 

We have met with our friends, Bill and Sandy who live in a neighboring key year around except when they travel, which is often.  They are the kind of friends we can see every few years and we just pick up wherever we left off.  They are generous, kind, and fun.  Since they have lived in this area permanently since the 1990's, they have very interesting information about the history, the residents, property owners, and business deals.  They both are fun and interesting.

 

We will be attending the Red Barn Theater to see the play THE DIVINE SISTER. The Red Barn Theater sets off Duval Street, tucked back aways and truly is a small barn.  It is offering a comedy with 4 or 5 actors playing two different roles each.  The reviews have been very complimentary and it has been a sell-out show.  We have always had a good time there. 

 

Last night, we went to the old movie theater and saw THE SILVER LINING PLAYBOOK.  The show was packed ... it also sells wine along with the normal popcorn, etc... The movie is about a young man (Bradley Cooper) who is newly released from a mental institute diagnosed as bi-polar.  The father, played by Robert De Niro  is obsessive~compulsive with anger issues.  Although the movie is really quite funny, it also displays the heaviness of trying to fit into a society not necessarily understanding of mental illness.  In spite of the humor, I felt drawn to the abnormal behaviors caused by disease in otherwise every day people.  My awareness for these challenges was heightened, and I wondered what the world would look like if we all truly supported each other in difficult times, individually, as family, or community.

 

The field of psychology is till  not totally accepted by everyone ... which is archaic in my opinion.  I can easily recall my father telling me when I was in high school to never get counseling of any kind as I would then have to report it on job applications and no one would ever hire me.  Thankfully, mankind has taken a giant step forward since then, but as the field of psychology grows, we are called to be more vulnerable.

 

The human experience is largely about relationship with our selves and to others.  In order to deeply communicate we must share our stories to bring richer understanding to our lives and existence.  To do so, however, the fear of judgment and isolation must be removed.  We must embrace diversity found in amazing cultures and accept the uniqueness of each and every person.  If there are complications, together they can be managed and supported rather than intensified and ridiculed. 

 

To be fully present, we must all be free to be you and me.

 



The Pictures We Paint

Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others.  Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval.  Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.   ~  Lao Tzu

Isn't it amazing how we can experience the exact same situation twice, responding in two totally different ways depending upon our mood?  A person can tease us about something, and if we are in a really good mood, we can laugh and shrug it off.  On the other hand, if we are not in a good mood, the teasing can hurt our feelings and leave us brooding ... for hours ... for days ... any maybe even longer.

The other day I came across an old picture of myself.  I instantly remembered this place in time, and the exact same feelings I had felt in that moment spread through my present day body.  I felt fat, ugly, and alone facing a professional dinner where I would know no one.  I knew I would be miserable and dreaded going. 

Holding the picture in my hand, I recalled that the evening introduced me to several new friends as well as professional connections.  Looking into the picture I saw a woman dressed very professionally in a business suit, freshly applied makeup, thick shoulder length glossy hair and a terrific smile.  In short, I would have given anything to look this good again!  I had no idea my waist had been so small! 

So why had I painted this terrible picture of myself those twenty years ago?  Then the dawning ... this picture was taken not long after my divorce.  My self-esteem was shot, I was returning to a career that had been dormant for far too many years, and I was a single mom of four.   I was embarrassed about being divorced and was struggling with shame and guilt for what I termed a "failed" marriage.  

My personal assessment did not paint a very good picture.  Sadly, I was focusing on all of the negative things and my internal critic was running wild.  I had been very frightened of all of the responsibilities facing me.

Looking back at this photo, I saw an entirely different image.  I saw a successful business woman, a dedicated mother, loyal friend, and intensely creative human being.  I did not see these things at the time as I looked through the lens of fear. 

We need to paint better pictures of ourselves.  Throw on the paint using brilliant colors and use a small brush to better define details.  Instead of focusing on shadows, highlight all of the good qualities.  We need to see ourselves in a larger picture with all of our strengths and desires aligned.

Belong to Me

  The greatest thing in the world

is to know how to belong to oneself.

Michel de Montaigne

 There were many triggers going off  within me when I first read this quote.  As an unattended child, I believed the only person I really belonged to was me ... and that was rather frightening as I was not sure I liked my self all that much. 

Over the years, I longed for someone to be responsible for me or  to take care of me.  When I did find someone to belong to, he did such a great job I resented being dominated and not having free thought or will. 

Finally retrieving parts of my self that had fallen into others dominion, I attempted to become what I thought others needed me to be so that I could finally belong.  I kept giving and giving until there was nothing left to give.

It has taken years for me to love the 'self' within me, and to see I was  worthy of respect and attention.  The truth is I really like myself now that I have accepted all the sharp edges and weakened floor boards.  I am still 'under construction', if you will, but I am pleased with the progress and results.  I am truly grateful to finally belong to me!

Killing the Messenger

Everyone we meet serves us.  Some help us by bringing us peace and joy;  others help us by challenging us to find clarity within ourselves.  Let us honor both our friends and foes as teachers who lead us to greater power and truth.  ~ Alan Cohen


Friendships have always been a vital part of my life and friends are the treasures deepening my wealth.  Their messages have been accompanied by love, encouragement, and support. 

Then there are the other messengers who have dealt me a harsh blow, whose behavior I will never condone, and yet, forgiveness must be extended.  These messages have been better understood with the passing of time, even if the pain has not yet subsided.

If we are to believe we are all one and at the end of life the most difficult teachers will be revealed as those loving us the most, won't we all have to readjust our thinking!  How different our assessments will be. 

In the meantime, we can be more mindful of how we share messages with others.  We can make a point, even if angry, by using a normal speaking voice.  If our message is unpleasant, we can still choose to use a kind voice. 

Let us try to be kind to all messengers, both friend and foe.  Seek the lesson in what is delivered without killing the messenger!



Brunch, No Cinnamon Rolls!

In every one's life, at some time, our fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

~Albert Schweitzer


After quite a long spell, two of my favorite friends invited me to their home for brunch.  We had a lot of catching up to do, and they asked if I would bring my home baked cinnamon rolls.  I was mindful to prepare the yeast rolls the night before our brunch so by morning they would be twice their size and fluffy. 
While I got ready to go, I popped the rolls in the oven.  When they were golden, I added some special ingredients and then topped them off with a cream cheese icing.  DELICIOUS!

I gathered my things, and I was about to walk out the door, I remembered that I wanted to bring my friends tomatoes from our backyard.  I set everything down, grabbed a bag and went out to pick grape, Roma, and Big Boy tomatoes. 

Again, ready to leave, I had another thought.  I'd really like to bring them some flowers.  So back outside I went.  I snipped some asparagus fern, a few leafy stems from the holly bush, and then asters, Mexican heather, lavender, sage, and zinnias.  Pleased with my random collection, I popped them into an old favorite bottle, placing one yellow ribbon around the neck.  PERFECT!

Feeling really festive, I threw a batch of Sangria together ... white moscado, peach liqueur, and sprite, adding fresh peaches, strawberries and blueberries.  Now I was ready to attend the brunch!

Arriving twenty minutes late, which is definitely not my style, I offered sincere apologies for my delay.  I anxiously unpacked my car ... Sangria, tomatoes, flowers ... but no cinnamon rolls!  I had packed everything BUT the cinnamon rolls! 

Boy did I ever get teased!  Throughout the morning, my friends took turns causing laughter by saying:  "Pass the cinnamon rolls, please.  Oh, that's right, we don't have any!  Boy, I sure am hungry for a cinnamon roll, we should have asked someone to bake some!" 

Sisters of my heart, great conversation, and sharing of our food ... all makings for a perfect gathering.  In spite of the teasing, my spirit was rekindled by their love, compassion, and acceptance.  Driving home, I was both grateful and thankful for the beauty brought so generously into my life by these two lovely souls.  Their presence in my life is indeed a present!

What We Think

Action and reaction

ebb and flow,

trial and error, change ~

this is the rhythm of living.

Out of our over-confidence, fear;

out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope.

And out of hope, progress.

Bruce Barton

There is a definite difference between the words action and reaction.  Action is frequently well planned or based on previous outcome; whereas, reaction is generally a response triggered by an emotion.  In various situations, we have the choice of acting or reacting.

Whether it is the lady behind you cluelessly bumping her grocery cart against the back of your ankles or the driver behind you blasting his horn or small children screaming, we may find ourselves 'flying off the handle' which would definitely be a reaction.  Throughout our day, we may have 'knee jerk' reactions to a variety of people or situations.  We react as though we were on automatic pilot.

Action is when we take pause or preparation prior to the response.  In order to have this kind of action, we must slow down.  So when a person hurts your feelings, instead of rippping off his or her head, we can take a breath and think of what we really want to express.  Too often, we react spewing words that we will later regret.

In slowing our selves down, we have time to think ... I don't want to be lesser than I am ... I don't want to hurt someone even though they have hurt me ... I don't want to escalate or extend this situation.  We have choice.

The very best response is based on a different perception.  Instead of letting some one else's words or actions hurt you and trigger a negative action, switch your perception and acknowledge their actions. 

"You seem to be having a bad day."

"Why don't we talk again when you are not so upset." 

"Let's take a few moments here and work this out."   

These responses will not escalate nor extend hostilities or hurtful situations.  We do not let the offender pull us out of the behaviors we want to be demonstrating for others.

When we let our emotions override our good senses, we say or do things we never intended.  When the incident has passed and we find our selves saying, "I can't believe I did that," you know you have just reacted.

Even in a positive situation our immediate reaction can pull us into an unwanted element.  My daughter is always eager to buy me something when we shop, so I am careful to say, "Oh, I love that ... but I don't want it for me ... but I do love it!"  Reactions, as I said, are not always well thought out as they are usually an immediate response that may not hold true in the immediate future.

What is the old saying, "Think before you leap!"  Don't wait for a situaion to arise to start pausing just prior to response.  Try pausing in your daily stream of thoughts first, as we become what we think!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

 There is in every true woman's heart

a spark of heavenly fire,

which lies dormant

in the broad daylight of prosperity;

but which kindles up, and beams and blazes

in the dark hour of adversity.

Washington Irving

THE SKETCH BOOK, 1820

My thoughts grow conflicted when I ponder words of judgment like good, bad, and ugly.  I have known people who have portrayed themselves as good, but who have fallen far from the mark.  I have never really thought of people as being bad, but have known those displaying very demented behaviors.  And as for ugly, isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder?

There have been some things I once considered good for me, but now with science's advanced research I realize they are bad for me.   There are some actions I once thought were bad, like not attending church, but I definitely no longer hold that to the extreme.  There are objects that I once found to be ugly, but they have grown on me as my tastes have changed.

The basic nature of man is goodness, but through bad choices, he can appear to be ugly.  With so many varying factors, how in the world can I align my thoughts and make a decision!  Perhaps this is the point.  In many cases I will never know the truth of the matter and so I will never be able to decide.  More to the point, perhaps one never needs to decide on matters he or she knows nothing about.

So I don't sit in judgment.  I listen and watch, and I may assess and process, but I do not become rigid in my conclusions.  To form rigid judgments is just being opinionated.  It is good to have an opinion if you can leave your mind open for other consideration.  Many people have used the saying, "The mind is like a parachute. It works best when open!"

Do not misunderstand.  I do have passions of the heart, mind, and soul.  I will hold my tongue respecting others right to voice until I am disrespected my self.  Then my spiritual light ignites and hardily beams and blazes.  I will say my truth with clarity and dignity holding an open heart with compassion for others ... hopefully tempering the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Remember to use Tools

Tell me, and I'll forget.

Show me, and I may not remember.

Involve me, and I'll understand.

Native American Saying

There are so many tools in life.  As we grow up we learn acceptable behavior and unfortunately, we are not taught how to handle the emotions that we stuff down inside of our selves.  Rules of the Road, tools of the trade, Robert's Rules of Order, and life skills, but seldom do we learn how to navigate through our emotional landscapes.

In some ways, life itself teaches us how to cope and we also meet mentors along the way.  Perhaps through reading or creative expression or spiritual practice we also learn how to process our experiences.

As life draws on, we have gathered several tools to help us in daily living and in challenge or crisis.  The trick, however, is to remember to call forth our tools.  We need to be conscious of the necessity to apply what we know rather than collapse into old behaviors that no longer serve us.

We are not responsible for other people's behaviors.  If someone chooses to scream and yell at us, it is his or her choice to react in such a manner.  We do not have to condone inappropriate behavior.

If we have erred in our work or responsibilities, we have made a mistake not become a failure.  Apologize and sincerely respond with intention for correction.  When the intensity of the moment has passed, we must use our voice by calmly stating we expect to be treated professionally.

When loved ones have had a bad day they are entitled to feel whatever they feel, but are not entitled to come home and take it out on us.  Making healthy statements can help both individuals involved, such as: "I can see that you are very upset.  Why don't you take a few minutes to sort your feelings out, and then we can talk when you are not so upset." 

Encourage the person to journal, take a walk or run, wash the day off in the shower or take some alone time in the garden or listen to favorite music.  If you can objectively listen to your loved one without being pulled into the drama, then it is fine to be a sounding board.  If, however, you find your self cowering with hurt feelings, better boundaries need to be created.

People who respond to us poorly are usually doing so based on situations that have nothing to do with us.  Sometimes just kindly acknowledging the frustration can clear the air.  For example, if we are in a restaurant and the wait staff is acting like it is our fault they have to be working, a comment can be made ... "Sounds like you are really having a bad day!"  If said with sincerity, the person will usually respond with an apology and shift into a more appropriate mode of service.  If we call some one and he or she answers very gruffly, common sense tells us to politely offer, "You sound like you are really busy.  Why don't I call back later?"  Often times, this brings attention to the rude exchange and the person becomes willing to help right there and then.

It serves no purpose to respond in a negative way, as this just adds to the building energy.  Respond in kindness but do not become the 'dumping ground' for some one else's anger.  Listening to a friend is different, but some times even with a friend we must use the tools we know.  "Sounds like you really have a problem.  Let me know how it comes out."

Being a sounding board is quite different from being some one's punching bag.  We must create strong boundaries while having compassion.  If we don't respect our selves, why should any one else?

We are all capable of being rude or inappropriate given the right or wrong circumstances.  As soon as we realize we have acted poorly, it is very important for all involved to apologize as soon as you can.  Send a quick e-mail, text, card or phone call.  We don't have to grovel, but if we don't make the gesture of kindness, a space begins to grow between the involved parties. 

If we cannot return to the situation for whatever reason, we can remember what we are capable of and endeavor to not do so again.  If we remember our own behaviors, it is helpful in understanding the actions of others.  People are frequently reflections of our selves.

Recognizing Worthiness in Each Other

Our stresses, anxieties, pains and problems

arise because we do not see

the world, others, or even ourselves

as worthy of love.

Prem Prakash

Yesterday, our neighbor did a very kind deed for us.  He happened to see something that got overlooked, so he took it upon himself to correct it before we even knew things had gone awry.  He reacted as a good neighbor, knowing we would have done the same if the situation were reversed.

What interested me, however, was the difference between responses to this neighborly gesture.  I immediately was touched by the unnecessary but deeply appreciated action, whereas my 'significant other' politely gave thanks, but focused more on how he should have noticed it himself.  The good deed somehow ended up as a sign of his own neglect.

Throughout the evening, my mind just kept looking at this situation wondering why two people would react so differently.  Why would some one choose to criticize himself rather than be thankful for some one else's actions?

The answer eventually surfaced and I readily recognized it as it was an area I have worked on all of my life ... worthiness.  There were many yesterdays that I resented help from others, thinking I should be able to meet my own needs.  I disliked if someone unasked assisted me as I believed they viewed me as being incapable of completing the task on my own.

As the years passed, I learned a great deal about myself and others.  I started to recognize my strengths and gifts, as well as the strengths and gifts of others.  Life no longer was a competition and the only one I needed to compare myself to, was me.  I began to honor my accomplishments and respect the outcomes of my challenges.  Self-worth eventually surfaced and changed my out look of the world surrounding me.

It is far easier to embrace kind gestures of neighbors, strangers, or cultures when we are comfortable in our own skin.  The immediate reaction is no longer to look within to find fault, but to look out wards at the kindness of another with a thankful heart.  With recognition of the good actions of others, we allow them to feel respected and we grow closer together.

By graciously receiving the help of an other, we begin to feel hope in each other and in the world.  Instead of focusing on weaknesses we can focus on strengths finding a place for every one to live side by side in harmony.

The next time you feel ungrateful or defensive about a person's kind gesture, examine what those feelings are really about.  Look inside and determine what it is about you that is triggering this reaction. 

Balancing Relationships

Reconciliation is to understand both sides;

to go to one side

and describe the suffering being endured

by the other side,

and then go to the other side,

and describe the suffering

being endured by the first side.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Vietamese Monk and Writer

(1926 ~     )

There is a story about three blinfolded men and an elephant.  Each man is positioned at a different side of the elephant and then asked to describe the animal before them. 

The first blindfolded man is standing at the tail.  He describes the animal as being a large rodent, based on holding the elephants tail.  The second blindfolded man is positioned at the side of the elephant.  He declares the animal to be a huge round ball not having a head nor tail.  He has come to this conclusion by spreading his arms far and wide.  The last blindfolded man is holding the trunk of the elephant in his hands.  He reports his findings as some sort of large snake.  This story is an excellent example of personal perceptions.

There is also the saying of 'walking a mile in another man's shoes.'  Even if we walked in another man's shoes, our experience may be entirely different.  We would have our own perceptions.

From this stand point, how would we ever balance differences in relationships?  If we can never really feel what another person is experiencing, how can we truly find resolution to balance the scales?

The answer, I believe, resides in understanding differences with an open heart.   I am certainly not suggesting lowering standards, tolerating violence of any kind, nor condoning extreme behaviors, but to simply cognitize differing opinions.  If we do not understand, we grow farther from each other.  Through understanding, we can be brought together creating balance.  We can agree to disagree.

When I do not feel emotionally safe, I usually withdraw protecting myself when stepping forward might be the better choice.  Exploring the other persons behavior and responding might be better than simply reacting in an inappropriate way.  By understanding the other person's motivation, it is easier to navigate justice for both parties.

Too many times we feel the need to win rather than to balance.  If we are sincerely interested in advancing any relationship, the intention needs to be considerate of both sides desires. 

Compromise is a wonderful tool for resolution.  It allows both sides to feel respected and expidiates balance.  It tends to take away the sense of competition. 

Whether we are finding discord in our personal or professional lives, remember that perception is in the eye of the beholder.  To open our hearts with compassion and to try to catch a glimpse of another possible interpretation, we are much more apt to find compromise which results in balancing the scales.

Light Breaking Through

I am always there.

I am always helping.

I never leave you.

I was there yesterday.

And every day before that.

And I'll be there every day that ever follows.

I mean, where else am I going?

The Universe

http://www.tut.com/ 

Why do I forget I am never really alone?  How is it I allow my focus to narrow excluding all of the support I so badly need?  Today, there seems to be light breaking through this darkness that has been hovering over me for days. 

Gathering strength, I reached out to a trusted one and felt life seep back in.  It is so difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable, to let someone see in when I feel so lost.  Too often I forget how wonderful it has felt to stand present in someone's life during a challenge and how important it is to allow that someone to stand present for me in return. 

Compassion and acceptance are gifts we not only offer to others, but we must also extend them to our selves.  We must be gentle and allow our selves the opportunity to explore our dark moments, to resolve residing issues and move forward into healing. 

We become empowered by releasing the pent up fears.  When fears have been removed there is new space for light to shine!