One Major Piece

"In daily life, we are often lost in thought.  We get lost in regrets about the past and fears about the future.  We get lost in our plans, our anger, and our anxiety.  At such moments, we cannot really be here for ourselves.  We are not really here for life.    Thich Nhat Hanh


It is a beautiful crisp fall morning, perfect for walking my lovely, Bella.  Her nose is to the ground while I span cloud formations in the very blue sky.  Perhaps it is because of my peaceful state outdoors, my mind jets off to a processing of its own.

I begin to remember how I once kept my self small and endeavored to be as invisible as any living thing could be.  I channeled all of my energy into the elevation of others.  Praise, encouragement, and support all for comfort as I hoped my servitude would gain friendship. 

Long gone are those days, so why do these memories surface now?  I do not ponder long as the realization hits me how I continue to keep myself small.   I feel sick to my stomach with the dawning of how I continue to play it safe.  I no longer try to be invisible as I recognize my strengths and have accepted my weaknesses; but, efforts to  put my self out there are nonexistent.

It disturbs me to find myself shedding yet another layer as I spin through the spiral.  There is more work for me to do which will pull me out of my comfort zone.  Down to my bones, I understand there is yet one major piece out of place.  A commitment had been made out of time and out of space, a desire to accomplish this one last thing to complete my happiness.  It would be the seal to all of my work.

Sigh.  Time is of the essence and I evaluate my remaining energies wondering if I could ignore this last yearning, although I would never be able to rest.  It will require me to place ego aside, turn down the volume of my inner critics, and work very hard.  Once and for all, I am called to stand tall.