Moving through Loneliness

 

When I get lonely these days, I think:  So BE lonely, Liz.  Learn your way around loneliness.  Make a map of it.  Sit with it, for once in your life.  Welcome to the human experience.  But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.

Elizabeth Gilbert

Eat, Pray, Love

Loneliness impacts all of us from time to time.  It is a part of being human, but it does have a remedy for all levels of experiencing life.   Loneliness is especially present during the Christmas Holidays.

We may originally believe that loneliness comes to those who are physically alone, but this is not accurate at all.  There are many people who are surrounded by others and yet feel totally alone.  There are also those who live totally removed from all others and yet do not experience an over abundance of loneliness.

Let us just accept that loneliness is no stranger to anyone.  It is similar to being angry.  We all experience anger at some level and we have a choice as to what to do with it.  We know there are appropriate ways of releasing anger just as there are inappropriate ways.  The same holds true for loneliness.

Prior to being lonely, it is ideal to make a list of things to do:

1.  Take a leisurely bath with a candle, music, and good book.

2.  Buy yourself flowers.

3.  Invite friends over for a potluck.

4.  Go to a movie, museum, art gallery, library ...

5.  Curl up in your favorite chair and read.

6.  Settle in and meditate or pray.

7.  Journal

8.  Get out in nature.

When we normalize loneliness, we can move on to the remedy.  When we can see it as a state of being, accept it, and remind our selves that it won't stay forever, we already begin to feel encouraged.   It is helpful to be aware of when we most likely will have the sensation of loneliness.  Identify triggers like over working, unbalanced social and private time, not enough sleep, not eating correctly, or a particular time of the year. 

Granted, loneliness is experienced differently for each of us, but we all share in the experience.  If we but dare to embrace it with appropriate actions, we will not find ourselves in desperate situations that will be regretted immediately. 

Resolution resides inside each of us when we connect with Spirit and move past the illusion of separateness.  Spirit is always with us, but Divine wisdom is difficult to hear when we are self-absorbed.  We need to be patient with our  'self' and remember  loneliness shall pass.  It just passes more quickly if we honor and respect ourselves with appropriate behaviors.

Unwrapped From Swaddling Clothes

I had become, with the approach of night,

once more aware of loneliness and time ~

those two companions without whom

no journey can yield us anything.

Lawrence Durrell

Leaving 60 degree weather in Nashville, Tennessee was not as difficult to do as I anticipated my visit to Illinois.  I drove through

terribly strong winds as tornadoes whipped across the sky.  My hands remained white knuckled on the steering wheel and I was stressed out by the concentration it took to remain solid on the road.  Now two days later, safely in Illinois, it is 17 degrees outside with snow on the ground.

Although the sun is out and the snow does look pristine, I notice a sense of loneliness seeping into my soul.  It is such a contrast to the elevated awareness I maintained in the warm south.  It is amazing to me how much the weather impacts my disposition.

The time here seems to have a pace of its own, more demanding than when I am alone.  More considerations and distractions call for organization and structure, neither in place when at my home.

When my daughter was younger, I used to tell her it was easy to be a Christian when attending church on a Sunday.  The true test came in how you lived the following days of the week.  Perhaps this is part of what I am experiencing.  It is easy for me to have this elevated awareness or a strong sense of spirituality while I am spending my days in quietude uninterrupted by the presence of others or distracting noises such as the television.  Now in the absence of all that is familiar, with others present and an abbreviation to my personal time, I have greater difficulty maintaining my spiritual connection.

It occurs to me the reason for my sense of loneliness stems from the loss of feeling oneness with everything around me.  I have been extracted from the warmth of my comfort zone, like a babe unwrapped from swaddling clothes. 

My resources are not within my reach nor are old journals near by.  My favorite old chair no longer holds me and the window for bird watching simply isn't here.  Which is it ... have I grown inflexible and too set in my ways or has my appreciation for my created space grown deeply into my core. 

There is much to be said for sacred space, the personal arena where we feel safe to grow or an environment where we can feel vulnerable and take the chance of being wrong.  But perhaps in growing too comfortable we run the risk of not interacting at all.

Tomorrow the temperatures will rise, the snow will melt, and I will walk again breathing in the sky, birds, and trees.  This loneliness will leave surely as the dark night will pass, and with the rising of the sun my spirits will once again soar.

Rubbing Feet ...

Loneliness is the most terrible poverty.

Mother Teresa

  

There is a young college woman who has grown very dear to my heart.  She is poetic, quick humored, brilliant, compassionate and beautiful ... none of which does she acknowledge.  In spite of her college requirements and athletic commitments, Maddie always seems to find ways to be helping others.  She casually mentioned the other day her latest adventure.  She is volunteering at a shelter for the homeless where there is a foot clinic.  While wearing gloves, she washes and massages these homeless feet.  She commented upon the outward physical and marginal emotional changes generated by her humble actions.


As a child, my father randomly rubbed my feet as he mindlessly watched television. The memory of these occasions gifted me not only with attention and affection, but pure physical relaxation.  As an adult, I loved rubbing the feet of my children from infancy through adulthood.  My foot rubs have extended from my kids to grand kids, to friends and those I have encountered along the way.  


Over the years my career led me to be a director of differing programs: nursery school, day care center, social services, seniors, and eventually an Alzheimer center.   In each setting, I gave foot rubs. No matter what the age, when I looked into the eyes, I would see a lonely 'child' needing human touch.  


Reflexology is the mastering of foot massage, but anyone can rub feet.  There is no training necessary or costly tools. Just find some lotion or oil and a small hand towel. You can begin on your own feet and immediately begin to feel the wonderful results.  There are many unsuspecting folks to choose from, young and old alike, so get busy.  Think of my dear friend Maddie while you bring some needed tenderness into the lives of others. 

No Matter How Lonely ...

Wild Geese 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again. 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

© Mary Oliver