Fallen without Grace

                                May you live all the days of your life.

Jonathan Swift

The first time I read this quote from Jonathan Swift, I didn't really understand it. Now I understand it all a little too well! 

A few weeks back, I was out for my daily walk when I had a very hard fall.  I was lucky not to have broken my jaw, wrist, rib or hip.  My face smashed into the sidewalk, breaking my glass frames, chipping two teeth and grotesquely smacking my chin.  I felt immediate jarring pain shoot up my chin straight into my head. I could feel crumbled teeth in my mouth as I struggled to get up.

My phone was broken from the impact of the fall so I could not call for help.  My face was bleeding, as well as my hands and knees.  I forced myself to walk the remaining four blocks home.

As I limped up our driveway, I began to sob and my body trembled.  I couldn't stop shaking.

Russ was very compassionate and helped me into the house.  He helped to cleanse the abrasions on my face, hands and knees.  I refused to go to the doctor, so I put ice on my chin, knees, and wrist, later switching to heat.  Bio-freeze became my best friend.

Long story short, the bruise on my rib is long gone, and my knees healed just fine.  My phone was repaired and so too were my frames, except there is a chip in my lens.  The dentist repaired my teeth which didn't hurt as much as the bill.  My chin was marbleized with a very rich dark purple with a knot the size of a walnut.  The abrasions on my face and hands have healed.  The worst of the fall ended up being a possible sprain in my right arm.  Being right handed, my every day routine became a painful challenge.

During the next several days, I withdrew to the couch, and tried my best to move through the physical sensation of feeling like I had been beaten up.  Every time I glanced in a mirror I was startled by the bruises glaring back at me.  It was difficult to mentally adjust to looking so battered ... not out of vanity, but from the fear of falling I felt internally. 

During the last few weeks I have not been 'living' life.  I have been tolerating pain and remaining unproductive.  The days have slowly passed me by with very little to show for them.  This is not how I want to be.  I have fallen without grace.

Far from Done

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

Jonathan Swift

We went on a day trip to take in an art festival in a small town a few hours away from our home.  I had not visited this town since my college days.  Walking near the river, placing my feet on the same sidewalk cracks, and recognizing the old buildings had me spiraling back into my past.

The last time I stood before this store, my hair was a luscious brown draping half-way down my back.  I was slim and my belly was still flat.  My body was well tanned and I felt as light as the breeze.  I faced the future with undaunted courage and wild anticipation.

Back then I wasn't aware of my gypsy blood, my need to travel so many miles.  I was not thinking of children let alone birthing four!  I did not believe in divorce, and never thought it would come knocking at my door.  My world was all external hiding what I thought was my unworthy self deep within my core.  I was not aware of my strengths nor prepared for what all life had in store.

And here I am today, leaning against this same old tree pondering what all has happened to me.  Resilience and writing remain with me, but my gregarious and aggressive ways have long time fallen away.  I wonder what would have happened if back then my life had been shown to me ... fast forwarded glimpsing the rise and fall of so many masks of me ... what if anything would I have changed?

No, I have no desire to go back.  I don't want to change a thing for if I did, would it not be like a domino effect with one thing changing another?  I could run the risk of making other mistakes while correcting the now obvious ones.  And is anything truly a mistake?   I think not.  Mistakes are building blocks or catalysts for change.

 I will forgive my self for things I have carelessly said or done or even left undone.  I will embrace all of my parts from over the years into this one solid sum.  It has been a reflective journey and actually far from done.