Far from Done

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

Jonathan Swift

We went on a day trip to take in an art festival in a small town a few hours away from our home.  I had not visited this town since my college days.  Walking near the river, placing my feet on the same sidewalk cracks, and recognizing the old buildings had me spiraling back into my past.

The last time I stood before this store, my hair was a luscious brown draping half-way down my back.  I was slim and my belly was still flat.  My body was well tanned and I felt as light as the breeze.  I faced the future with undaunted courage and wild anticipation.

Back then I wasn't aware of my gypsy blood, my need to travel so many miles.  I was not thinking of children let alone birthing four!  I did not believe in divorce, and never thought it would come knocking at my door.  My world was all external hiding what I thought was my unworthy self deep within my core.  I was not aware of my strengths nor prepared for what all life had in store.

And here I am today, leaning against this same old tree pondering what all has happened to me.  Resilience and writing remain with me, but my gregarious and aggressive ways have long time fallen away.  I wonder what would have happened if back then my life had been shown to me ... fast forwarded glimpsing the rise and fall of so many masks of me ... what if anything would I have changed?

No, I have no desire to go back.  I don't want to change a thing for if I did, would it not be like a domino effect with one thing changing another?  I could run the risk of making other mistakes while correcting the now obvious ones.  And is anything truly a mistake?   I think not.  Mistakes are building blocks or catalysts for change.

 I will forgive my self for things I have carelessly said or done or even left undone.  I will embrace all of my parts from over the years into this one solid sum.  It has been a reflective journey and actually far from done.