Let No One Take It Away

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”

Barbara De Angelis

                                                                

Surviving a few major relationships, dedicated to a vibrant career, I willingly faced life as a single, but surrounded by solid friendships.  By living alone, I had freedom to do whatever I wanted within reason.  I resided in a condo much like a tree house, having access to the sky, the stars, and the moon.  I gathered various groups whenever it pleased, and entertained with a creative flair that greatly appeased.  I continued to enjoy the fullness in my life, but I desired to  have a companion to finish out my remaining years. 
  

Living by one's self for any length of time creates spontaneity and flexibility without having to account for impulsiveness.  Freedom to readjust schedules on a whim, eat cereal for dinner without a second thought, and stay in pajamas for a full day without a care.  There is pleasure found in shutting the house down at 7 p.m. retreating to bed for long evenings read. This freedom to do as one pleases creates the ability to become rather indulgent in an innocent but selfish way. 

We hold our selves accountable for what we say and meet our personal needs as so inclined.  We speak our truth without fear of embarrassing a mate or causing conflict and tension within the home.  We can run late and eat on the fly, and change course unable to see the bookstore without dropping by.  Each part of our life is orchestrated exacting harmony in our lives.

There came a time , for me at least, where my life indeed was full, but I wanted to bring someone into my fold, to share and be shared as life would unfold.  And in doing so, one needs to change the notes in one's song, adjusting words to a new harmony.   It takes time and experience to find the balance of two dancing instead of one.

So we speak of integrity and it should continue to hold true.  No matter if we are alone or sharing life we must use our voice to speak our truth.  We must come out of our analytical thinking and express our needs in spite of the confusion that may fall.  We must stay true to our self even while sharing this doubled life.  It is too easy to lose our self, relinquishing our right to freedom we deserve to hold. 

It is necessary for each of us to preserve our freedom and to respect the freedom of others.  It is ours to have and to hold each in our own right.  Let no one take it away. 

Returning Home

 

 

 

 

Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” 

 

Edith Sitwell

 

 

 

Staying in Key West for over a month has been a wonderful blessing.  I am most grateful and thankful to be able to have enjoyed this opportunity especially with Russ.  We have visited an old cemetery,  historical fort, gardens and homes, the gulf, the ocean, Red Barn Theater, Waterfront Theater, intimate garden concert, art show, art festival,  shrimp boats, wharf, cruise ships, and a spectacular evening celebrating Russ's birthday on an island arriving by ferry.  We have haunted most every neighborhood restaurant eating in beautiful gardens.  We have walked extensively every morning, afternoon, and evening.  I am stuffed with fresh fish, lobster and shrimp to say nothing of the homemade ice cream at Flamingo Crossing.  My skin is so soft and once again has some color.  It has been a joy to spend every day out doors surrounding by the abundance of richly colored nature, and the dipping pool in the back yard.

 

 

It is time to go home, however, and I must admit I am prepared.  I am anxious to return to my own surroundings where I can find familiar books, writings, and favorite coffee cup.  I will get the fireplace started and apologize to my plants.  I will reach out to my favorite coffee 'sister' as well as my women's group and writers group.  I have missed all of these tender hearts as they so generously support and encourage me.

 

 

With loads of laundry piled high, I will put away my summer linen and return to my closet to rediscover my winter garbs.  From flip flops to boots, from linen tops and shorts to sweaters and leggings.  I will nest in front of the warm fire in my favorite sweats and baggy thermal shirt.

 

 

I will find time to journal about the holes I have found in my spiritual wardrobe, and begin requests for additional help in mending my ways.  It is curious to me when we grow spiritually stronger, it allows us to see more areas of personal repair. My father used to use an old Swedish saying, "The hurrier I go, the behinder I get!"

 

 

Fare thee wells will be extended to our friends and paradise will be imprinted upon my memories.   I will stay present in the moment, letting go of this abundance, making room for what will next unfold.  As one adventure ends, a new journey begins.

 



Paddling As Fast As We Can

   "paddling as fast as we can ..."

A friend of mine had been dealing with several stresses in her life, and I was concerned about her.  We agreed to meet for coffee and as I expected, my dear friend looked exhausted. 

I quietly listened as she shared her challenges with me and my respect for her grew greatly.  She had taken on measures above and beyond what had been called for making only one response, " I am so glad that I am in a position to help!"

I praised her efforts and supported her the best I could, but I also cautioned her about taking care of her self, finding balance so she wouldn't come undone.  She laughed and shared a conversation she had with her husband about how she looked like a duck calmly gliding across the water when in reality her feet were paddling 90 miles per hour.  It was such a great visual, we both found our selves laughing heartily.  Laughter is good for the soul!

This image of a calm gliding duck with bionic feet stayed with me throughout the day.  So many times when crisis hits, we go into some kind of automatic drive, taking charge, surging to the rescue as everyone else sighs in relief that control has been taken.  Unknown to them, under the surface, we are paddling  as fast as we can!  I believe it is referred to as an adrenaline rush.

It is admirable to help others, but not at the risk of our own health.  There is a fine line between helping and enabling.  It is not helpful to be invasive nor is it good to allow others to take advantage.  If we feel used, we need to step back and use our voice.  If we need to restore, we need to invite others to assist in our absence.  We must be able to recognize what is best for our selves, not just the people we help.

I was very impressed to learn that my most thoughtful friend had arrived on the scene, determined what she was willing to do and where she would draw the line.  Her intentions were clear, and she is now tending to her own needs.  I am proud of her!  Her little duck feet are on solid ground in slow motion.  In time her resilience will return! We do not always have the strength to keep healthy boundaries nor recognize our own limitations.

Quote from Mary Oliver

I stood willingly and gladly in the characters of everything -
other people, trees, clouds.  And this is what I learned, that the
world's otherness is antidote to confusion - that standing within
this otherness - the beauty and the mystery of the world, out in the fields or deep inside books - can re-dignify the worst strung-heart.

Mary Oliver
American Poet
(September 10, 1935)



Life brings challenges, some we are prepared for while others we are not.  We can easily become confused when we try to resolve our challenges, but we are not responding from a balanced emotional or physical state.  Frequently, we will find ourselves withdrawing rather than reaching out to resources surrounding us.

When we find ourselves indecisive, we can bring balance to our decision making by spending time out in nature with a quiet mind or deep into a favorite book where insights might arise.  This gives our thought process time to consider options that might not be apparent if we have withdrawn into ourselves dispondent.  

General anxiety can be calmed if we just take pause.  Step back from the situation and breathe.  Do not react impulsively.  Contemplate and then act out of informed decision.

By spending more time out in the beauty and mystery of nature, we feel more connected to all that is.  We do not feel quite as separate or overwhelmed.  When we quietly open ourselves to surrounding guidance, we will be nudged in the direction we need to go.