"Some trees grow very tall and straight and large
in the forest close to each other,
but some must stand by themselves
or they won't grow at all."
Oliver Wendell Holmes
From a very tender age, I learned to keep my own counsel. My mind was always observing, measuring, and testing waters. My existence seemed to be dependent upon my ability to gauge existing energies in a room. I interpretations were consistently challenged by the differing perceptions of others. There were so many games to be played; a variety of masks to be worn; and a multitude of perceptions in reference to reality.
I found myself to be dumbfounded at what others tolerated or didn't choose to see. Everything could shift within minutes making life so very confusing to me. Nothing was permanent and everything was subject to change. One learns to carefully walk a tightrope above a community of conflict.
Children have resilience and coupled with imagination, a creative existence can be portrayed. Discipline is helpful in remembering not to fall into the lucrative traps of insincerity. There is nothing but internal sadness for the child who pretends to be loved and cherished. Forsaking needs, desires, and minimal wants, the child hopes to find a way to be invisible to others while still being present for the self.
Woe is to the child who has no one to validate her. Just being recognized even for falsehoods becomes a measuring stick for hope of acceptance. The golden nugget of essence is hidden deep within, forever unsafe to be shown. Carefully accepting small gestures from unfamiliar sources can create increments of possibility. Biding time until one is old enough to choose for herself is a seemingly forever process.
I have never been able to grow straight and tall like other trees in the forest. Being so close in proximity could not be tolerated. In isolated spaces, reaching for full sun light, digging roots deeply, and braving the storms I found optional survival for this tree who stands alone.
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