Criticism and Compliments ...

When a man spends his time

giving his wife criticism and advice

instead of compliments,

he forgets that it was not his good judgment,

but his charming manners that

won her heart.

Helen Rowland

Why are we so critical of those whom we love dearly, or particularly judgmental to our self?  The terrible mind-chatter that is endlessly repeated in our heads can be extremely destructive and demeaning.

When we become aware of a negative conversation running non-stop  in our mind, stop and ask, "Would I talk this way to a friend?"  Probably not, so why are we saying these mean things to our self?  And why are we believing them?

I can take criticisms

but not compliments.

James Taylor

I frequently find my self rushing through a compliment, but acting the opposite during criticism.  Upon receiving negative assessments of my self, I might even extend and expand the conversation.   This is self-sabotage at its best.

Four female friends can meet for a social lunch lingering over food for hours.  The conversations can be very random and peppered by endless compliments, and maybe just one small careless remark.   When the lunch has ended, each woman walks away remembering the one negative comment while the multitude of compliments are long forgotten. 

While making presentations at spiritual gatherings, I would frequently ask women in attendance to number a paper from one to twenty.  Then I would request them to jot down their negative qualities or weaknesses.  Words would fly out of their pens, quickly filling in the blanks and sometimes even adding more.  Next, I would ask them to  once again number from one to twenty down the page.  This time, however, they were to list their good points or the positive qualities that they recognized within themselves.  Perhaps three might be listed before pens would pause gripped in the hands across the room.  Women would be challenged to complete their list of positive attributes;  whereas, their list of negatives overflowed.   What does this say about our personal belief system?

During one of my many reads, there was a suggestion as to how to handle criticism.  The article said to truly be open and listen carefully to the comments.  Then take a few minutes to evaluate if any of the remarks resonate inside of you.  What does not honestly apply, let go of immediately.  What may have some truth to it, graciously accept and become determined to improve. 

There was a time in my life when in any situation receiving service, if the person providing the service had a negative attitude, I would respond with the same level of negativity.  Eventually, I learned to not take others behaviors quite so personally.   So if a person providing service presents in a very negative manner, I am much more apt to recognize that they are having a bad day and it has nothing to do with me.  It is easier, then, to reply in kindness.  I don't know how many times I have said, "Boy! Sounds like you are really having a bad day!"  Immediately, you can observe a shift in their attitude as well as their body language.  Just acknowledging their apparent frustration, releases some stress.

My Reiki friend Joyce always ends her emails with this wise reminder:

                            

 Be kinder than necessary,

for everyone you meet

is fighting some kind of battle.