Emotional Expense of a Holiday

"... when it comes down to it, that's what life is all about:  

showing up for the people who love you, 

again and again, 

until you can't show up anymore."  

Rebecca Walker

When do we give ourselves permission to stop showing up?  We show up out of obligation, commitment, expectations, or requirement.  We tell ourselves, "It won't be so bad this time.  This time I will hold my tongue, ignore the sarcasm, and leave early."  The family or surrogate family gathers and we are mentally screaming in our heads, "Let me out of here!"

We set ourselves up, believing this time things will be different, knowing they won't.  We place higher expectations upon ourselves hoping to take the higher ground, to be better than last time.  We may even start out content, but as the scene plays out we imagine ourselves doing jumping jacks in the corner of the room silently screaming, "Here I am.  Here, over here!"

The emotional expense of a holiday may be more than we can afford.  It is a challenging event even though it is advertised as a treasured time to rekindle.  Unfortunately, it is the fire in the belly that is rekindled.  The red coals of separateness are fanned by issues repeated year after year.  Even when we continue to love these people who gather for the holiday, when does the time come when we can sadly say, "No more."