Freedom of My Own

"Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as time changes, truly are powerless because they cannot think new thoughts."

Salman Rushdie

My story began to spin in early childhood.  It welcomed a broad range of  characters  and as the story line grew, it became difficult to discern from reality.   As experiences cropped up, I fashioned them to fit within the context of my imagination.  Life was too fragile to question the shape or form it presented, as I needed to keep moving forward.

After years of living my story, I was able to finally step out of it for editing. With a mighty red pen, I corrected areas using less harsh examples.  With a permanent  marker, I blacked out paragraphs seemingly to be unimaginable.  The new draft of my fiction, seemed more acceptable if I were to share it.  It also triggered questions regarding the sources and accuracy of my material.

Through years of self-exploration, I have learned to stand outside of my childhood tale and be accountable  for the resistance and falsehoods of my life.  I can now understand the different roles I played and observe the impact I had on others.  

My writer's mind has filed each chapter of my life separately, deciphering repeated patterns that are not healthy for me.  With understanding the how and the why of incidents in my younger years, I can peel away layers of heaviness which had kept me depressed.  I can evaluate each passing moment of my day as an isolated event, not connected to any passed memory.  

It is easier to embrace individual moments with broadened vision to appreciate authentic significance before me.  I have a willingness to open my mind to alternative interpretations rather than tunneled through my childlike view.

As in all stories, there are permanent aspects of truth that cannot be changed.  I understand trauma shapes us into the character we become, but I am willing to tie my story to the tale of a kite, letting it fly into the sky, providing me with a freedom of my own.