Thin Ice

 

 

"To see takes time."

Georgia O'Keeffe

 

 

Throughout the holidays I noticed how very well I was controlling my emotions.  I believed that I had finally gained the appropriate balance to navigate securely through family issues either present, passed, or simply absent.  I wondered, however, why I felt a heaviness even when I had successfully reflected feelings away from me.  In time, the truth surfaced. 

 

In meditation, I sat with this unidentified heaviness, truly wanting to understand.  It took time, but eventually I began to see the root of my problem.  Once again, I found myself skating on very thin ice.  One little crack and I would find myself drowning in surfacing emotions.

 

In my endeavor to control my feelings, I saw myself successfully reflecting them when in reality I was simply repressing, suppressing, and numbing myself.  The story I told myself was that I had advanced in mastering my feelings when in reality, I just increased my ability to dissociate.

 

It is so disheartening when we cycle in and out of our lessons in life and discover we have not advanced as much as we had thought.  Maybe we have progressed on one level, but then another area pops up needing adjustment.  In time, we see through our own illusions.

 

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to take down our wall, to stand securely in the present, can really be painful.  It is a necessary practice in order to keep our feelings flowing through us instead of damming them up inside.  When we respect ourselves, it is easier to let other peoples negative projections to pass right through.  We are not as inclined to harbour what others say, as we do believe in our personal integrity.

 

I find it personally amazing to monitor how I feel at any given moment. When I  acknowledge my feelings, it is easier to deal with them head on, and then let them go.   When I am dealing with raw feelings my outlets are writing, painting with water colors, or verbally sharing my stories. By using these outlets,  the heaviness can be  released.  

 

By being more in tune with authentic feelings, I feel better in spite of the painful process.