The Crack, Then Fear

 

 

 

 

 

"The moment one definitely commits oneself,

then Providence moves too.  All sorts of things

occur to help one that would never otherwise

have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues

from the decision which no one could have

dreamed would have come their way.

 

W. H. Murray

 

 

 

This morning upon wakening, I was in a very happy frame of mind.  I immediately wondered what I had been dreaming, and it all came back to me.  It had been a supportive dream, one of those where everything unfolds perfectly for me.  All of my quests were being successful and my connection with Divine Spirit was so strong.  No wonder I was beaming.

 

Happily at my computer accompanied by my favorite coffee mug, I scrolled through e-mails.  A few laughs, the absence of a few regulars, some an automatic delete, and then one I had overlooked.  A very dear friend of mine is facing a health challenge, in spite of just completing 25 radiation treatments.  This frightens me for her, and with this first crack, fear slips in.

 

As I complete my daily readings, my thoughts turn to a young woman who is still struggling after a lengthy search for what is wrong.  She is loving and kind, just learning to treat herself as so.  Then my mind drifts to yet another dear spirit suffering from her loss.  I can't even begin to imagine her pain.  The crack grows wider, and more fear enters.

 

Going through my morning stretches, my body is stiff and tight.  I try to be kind with my self and attempt to embrace this thing called aging.  I resent being physically limited and begin to feel overwhelmingly sad.  The crack is now wide open and fear marches in.

 

As I begin to withdraw, to crawl into my protective shell, the image of a flower wilting from the lack of sunshine floats through my brain.  Such imagery, but what does it mean.  It only takes a few minutes to recall how my day began, filled with amazing joy and light.  Where had that gone? 

 

It became very clear to me how I had allowed fear to wash away every good thought I had upon awakening this morning.  I didn't hold a balance, and too easily let my self  be swayed.   I focused on the heavy emotions rather than staying in the light.  I didn't bring my sadness into the light; instead,  I walked unprotected into the darkness.

 

I thought about the Universe as an artist preparing to paint my life.  In the early morning light, the artist begins with bright loving colors as this is what I reflect.  As the morning passes, however, so do my lovely colors.  The Universe becomes confused, wanting to paint my life in what colors I reflect, but I change like a chameleon.  And thus my point.

 

We begin the day with a bright and sunny disposition, filled with hope and dreams, but we do not hold them constant.  They become decayed by the overwhelming negative thoughts that crawl into our day.  The dreams and desires are diluted by the invasion of fear.  With this lack of clarity, how can anyone be clear? 

 

I will endeavor to hold my yearnings not only in my dreams, but in my daily thoughts as well.  I will strive to be more consistent and ground myself throughout the day.  When hardship falls upon me, I will hold it in the light and protect myself from fear.   My message to the Universe will definitely be more clear!